Baby steps.

I've done better this week but not great by any means. My head is still not fully back in the game. Not even close really.  I'm making itty bitty baby steps in the right direction.  I see the disappointment in Jason's face and it makes it really hard to look at him. He was so proud of how well I was doing and how far I had come. I'm really hoping that July brings less stress and more time to focus.  For now the baby steps are going to have to suffice.  I'm trying to balance time for myself and time for my family in my future plans. Right now my main focus has been on my family.  I realize without me getting healthy I am detrimental to the success of my family.  I am weighed down with guilt a lot right now.  I am working and away from home a lot and Ani is seeking negative attention from me.  She wants nothing more than for me to be home 24/7 and all of my attention be placed on her precious little self.  There is no way I could have mothered more than two children.  I feel consumed by guilt all the time.  One of the perks of being a mother I guess?  This weight loss journey is seriously a part time job.  I will get it figured out. I have too.

Slippery Slope.

I have not posted for a few weeks because I have been hiding. I am no longer a inspiration to anyone especially myself.  I have fallen and can't seem to find my way back up.  The past two months have brought so much frustration, worry, and stress.  I cannot seem to figure out a way to relieve my stress other than eating.  I don't even feel good when I do binge eat. I feel guilty the entire time I am shoving food in my face.  I guess I get instant gratification but then feel like a fat cow. I see all of the progress I had made going away.  The inches I have lost are back. I have gained a good 10 pounds in 2 months.  I wish that my mentality would change.  I wish I could relieve my stress in a healthy way.  I wish.  Anyone can wish but only the strong make things happen.  I always say I am a self sabatoger and these past 2 months are proof of that.  I am always my own worst enemy.  I feel like I am a record playing the same song over and over again.  I seriously feel like I need a fat girl support group.  I need to figure out ways to lift myself up instead of beating myself down.  I had big plans to run races this year and get fit.  So far half the year has passed and neither one of those have happened.  I am currently in physical therapy for my back.  The MRI showed some mild to moderate disk bulging and I was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease.  Basically I have a old fucking back.  I posted my beautiful day 1 of the gym picture a couple weeks ago.  I was ready to start fresh and get fit.  I ended up only being able to walk for 15 minutes before my back felt like it was on fire and shooting pains were running down my leg.  I haven't been back since.  It hurts to try and stand to cook let alone run.  So I am at the mercy of the physical therepist.  I want more than anything to be a confident person who feels like I deserve to be healthy.  My brain is so twisted all the time when it comes to self image and self worth.  I was hoping to write a "life is fabulous" blog entry but this is my reality.  The battle to lose weight rages on.  I hope some of you all are doing better than me.

Gym day 1

Woke up at 5 and walked my ass down to the gym like I said I would. I didn't make it very long due to my back but I worked up a sweat! Yay me! I go Wednesday for a MRI of my back to hopefully figure out what is wrong. The burning pain makes exercising or even walking difficult sometimes.  I have the most energy and time in the morning but that's when my pain is the worst! Got to love chronic illness. Anyway I did today! It may not of been the workout of the century but I did it.

Hiatus.

I've taken a hiatus from weighing in. I need a break from the scale. I get so fixated on the number and let it get me down. I am tired of letting my stress control my life. When I let it take hold I end up eating way to much. I am going to start taking my stress to the gym. Our apartment complex has redone our gym and i am excited to try it out. There are several cardio machines and upper body as well.  I'm done with this woe is me mentality. I eat my weight in stress and then get depressed. Being depressed isn't helping anyone especially myself. I feel like I am failing myself and all of you who supported me through this year. I won't let myself nor you all down. I'm done.

Starting Over.

I feel like I am starting from scratch. I know despite how I feel that I have not completely destroyed my progress. The scale has not changed a whole lot but the way I feel about myself has. Those non scale victories are slowly becoming non victories.  I've honestly let financial stress and Lupus get me very depressed. I'm glad I can honestly say that. It sucks keeping things to yourself.
 I very rarely let Lupus get me down this way. I have seen symptoms come back that have been in hiding for almost 8 years. It's kind of ironic that it is Lupus Awareness month and I am feeling very AWARE of its existence.  I've had numbness, tingling and weakness happening in my legs for the past 6 months or so. My headaches are occurring on a regular basis and migraines are becoming a weekly occurrence. The intense deep in my bone leg pain that I used to have is showing itself again too. I don't miss that symptom. Nothing worse than wanting to rip your legs off just to get a moment of no pain.  The fatigue is ridiculous. I never feel well rested or close to rested. I constantly feel like I have just ran 10 miles on 48 hours of no sleep.  My vertigo and ear ringing are back too. Got to love feeling like you are spinning in circles while trying to stand still.  The best lupus symptom is the brain fog and memory issues. It makes your daily life a true circus event.  I've let this disease destroy me this month.  I've let it destroy my positive attitude.  I think a lot of fear is what's next?  The Drs are going to want to order this test and that test to tell me that "yeah it's Lupus".  They will tell me I can take this medication for that symptom and this medication for this symptom.  I honestly don't want to hear it.  So I have to challenge myself and pick my ass back up and be a big girl. This is what life has dealt me and I can either continue to let it get me down or say fuck you Lupus.  I didn't type this out for sympathy or to sound pathetic I promise. I typed it out to vent mostly.  It's to let people know that a person can look healthy and happy and be seriously hurting like hell on the inside.
The point of this post is that I have set my alarm for 5 a.m. and I am getting up to walk/run in the morning. I've said it a million times on here and have not followed through. So tomorrow I am getting up no matter how shitty I feel or how shitty I slept and I am going out to spend some quality time with myself while burning calories.  I love how I feel after running and am unsure why I have had such a hiatus. It's easy for me to make excuses and not follow through. I've done that my whole life.
I am hoping that I find my way back to motivated me.  I have my water brewing in the refrigerator, my running clothes laid out, and my lunch pre-packed for work tomorrow.  Let's do this thing Autumn.

Weigh In.

I didn't even go there this week. I know how shitty my diet and decisions have been and was to ashamed to even see the number that would be looking back at me. At this moment I'm pretty low and not liking myself at all. I so wish I handled my stress a different way. I seriously need someone to follow behind me on a daily basis. I have good plans and intentions but have yet to incorporate them back into my daily routine. I officially suck.

Weigh in.

I weighed in on Friday and my weight went up again. I was 173.5. I keep teeter tottering between 169 and 175. Am I happy with this weigh in? No. Did I expect to go back up? Yes.
Tomorrow I start a new challenge. I think I need that accountability again.  I am starting a pedometer challenge. It starts tomorrow and continues until November. I am in a team of 8 and there are multiple teams within the clinic participating. Which ever team walks the most steps in that 6 month period wins. There is also a weigh loss challenge. Which ever individual loses the most weight in the 6 month period wins as well. Friendly competition in the work place!  I am relieved that it is starting so I can continue my weight loss.  I need something to give me motivation.
I am hoping that the exercise will help get me out of the funk I am in as well. I hate the depression/anxiety feeling that seems to take over my entire self.  I love to be outside. I am nervous however because so far this year I have gotten so sick when out in the sun. Lupus is a bastard.
So going to go eat the Mothers Day meal I prepared myself and enjoy it. Tomorrow starts a new day. I have to stop binge eating and find a different outlet for my stress. I am hoping exercise will help with that as well.  Have a good week friends.

Feeling good.

I got back on track again and it feels so good!! I had a few victories today!
 I stared a big delicious chocolate muffin in the face and said screw you muffin! The only way to get rid of the existing muffin top is to avoid big delicious chocolate muffins! I battled that damn muffin for a good 30 minutes. I was forever indebted to the Toyota oil changer guy who popped in and said my car was ready. Phew! Crisis avoided.
Secondly I went to the store to find me an outfit and for the first time in a long time I pulled an outfit off the rack and it all fit. I typically avoid dressing rooms like the plaque. I went in today thinking I would look like a joke as usual but to my surprise it all fit! I was wearing a size medium shirt! A medium! I haven't tried on nor worn a medium shirt in 10+ years. What a wonderful day!
So despite all of the stress going on right now I am handling it all without eating everything I see. Yay me!!
Also as some of you have seen on my Facebook page its Lupus Awareness Month! I will have many posts through the month regarding lupus. I hope you all gain some knowledge and insight about this disease. People that don't know me usually have no idea that I have the disease. Its hard to live with sometimes but I can't let it define who I am. Thank you friends for reading the facts and asking questions!!!

16 week/4 month weigh in.

Today is my 16 week weigh in.  I CANNOT believe that I have stuck with this for 4 months!  I am proud to say that I have worked my butt off and am back to 169.5!  I was so excited to see the 160's again!  Jason has been an amazing support and has helped me get through the stress eating and the weight gain slump and I could not be more grateful.  This 4 month stretch of time has had plenty of failures (one in particular that I am to embarrassed to write about just yet)  but right now I feel like a success.  The set backs have only made me want to do this more.  I do think about all the weight I could have lost by now without those crazy food addicted binges.  All I can do is think about it and not dwell on it.  Ive loved seeing all of my friends posts of their success and even being called out as a source of inspiration!  It feels amazing to be able to help others with my success.  I still have a long journey, a life long journey, to get to the weight I feel will make me happy.  I have to say though I am overjoyed that I can fit my ghetto booty in a pair of size 12 capri's and they are loose!  Now to get my butt to running again!  I will be unstoppable!

Week 15 weigh in.

I weighed in yesterday morning at 173 exactly. I've lost 2 pounds since last week! I still have to lose 3.5 pounds to get back to where I was before I went a little food crazy! I plan on running this weekend! I'm actually excited to see how I do. Everyone have a wonderful weekend. Its supposed to be beautiful! Get outside and exercise!

Stress eating.

Why in the world can I not be a stress exerciser? Why cant I be a stress house cleaner? How awesome would that be?!  I would essentially be a hot maid! Unfortunately I am a top of the class A+ stress eater!!

A few stressful events have happened since Friday and I am struggling to breathe. The hubby had knee surgery Friday which was to have a recuperation time of 2-3 days.  He hobbled out on crutches 3 hours later with a recuperation time of 6 weeks. So my mind automatically went to everything that was going to have to be rearranged and of course I stressed out immediately. The next day I had to take a trip to the walk in dentist for a crown that had fallen off and a rank decaying going on in the leftover tooth. I walked out of there 1300 dollars poorer. Of course finances are always a source of stress. Paying for a bridge with money I don't have was just cause for a slight panic attack and binge. Last but not least my oldest daughter "forgot" that her glasses were off of her face and on the floor when she went to stand up. Those glasses broke right down the middle and my credit card screamed.  So all of that in a span of two days was detrimental for me running and jumping back on the wagon. I totally tried to jump as it went by but I missed and fell on my ass hard!
I know all of this is a mind game. Its a game I don't care for at all. I think mind games are worst.  I am fighting a mental battle with myself. I've checked my weight and I am less than I was last Friday. I have lost some weight with all of the running around I have done this weekend. At the rate I'm going it will not be pretty by weigh in day.  I've got my lunch together to take tomorrow so I won't cheat at work. I'm so incredibly frustrated with myself!!  Jason is trying to keep me in check and I am thankful for my team mate. I love him.
I forgot to mention that the "get fit" awards night was last Tuesday. Unfortunately I didn't win but am happy to say Dr. Bratsch won the whole thing!! She lost over 7% of her body fat in 12 weeks!!! So very proud of her and her hard work!  She won a multitude of items one being a spa trip for two. She so graciously asked me to join her when she goes! She said it was for all of my hard work! She is awesome! So blessed to work for someone I love to death. As for my results I lost 17.6 pounds, 5.8% body fat and 8+ inches. I was pretty proud of those results! I may not of won the big prize but I did win a challenge I had for myself. So in the end I felt like a silver medal winner.

Disappointed.

I am so incredibly disappointed in myself. I weighed in today and am sad to say I was 175. I have gained 5 freaking pounds in a week!!! I've just went berserk. It is so easy to stray away. Three steps back I swear. This weight battle is going to last my entire life! I HAVE to get my head back on straight. I gorged myself on blasted cheesecake last night to the point of no turning back!  I will NOT go back to that miserable person who weighed almost 200 pounds. I will NOT!
Telling you all my weight this week and struggles is embarrassing! One day at a time......

Results.

Sooooooo I had my final weigh in with the GET FIT program today. My final weight is 169.8. I have lost 17.6 pounds since the middle of January (still 25 pounds since I started my journey January 1st).  My starting weight was 187.4.
The final measurement results are:

1. Chest 40.5 inches and now 38.5 inches. Total: 2 inches
2. Hips 49.5 inches and now 46. Total: 3.5 inches
3. Waist 35.5 inches and now 32. Total 3.5 inches

The other measurements are caliper readings. I have not the slightest idea how to read them or understand them. If anyone can fill me in and help me understand I would appreciate it! They all went down so I am assuming that is a good thing!

1. Triceps 47/48 and now 35/34
2. Abdomen 40/35/39 and now 28/28
3. Thigh 53/55 and now 50/50

Body fat percentage was 44.7% and now 39.7%

All in all great results I think!! I am thinking about doing a "No Boundries" 5K program starting in May. I think it would be a great way to stay motivated! I love running once I get started. I am hoping that since I weigh less running will be a bit easier. Quite honestly I am a suckish runner!! Pretty comical to be exact!

Thankfully this week I didn't gain (well 3 ounces) like I thought I was going too! Score one for this lovely lass!!

Slacker.

Slacker by definition means "a person who shirks work and obligation". I have been a horrible slacker for the past week. HORRIBLE. I've made terrible diet decisions and my old frame of mind and thoughts have crept back in. If I eat a cookie I think well I already ruined my calories for the day so eating another cookie or two won't make a difference. What the hell?! Why am I doing this! I will have an official weigh in tomorrow. I am not looking forward to the results. I feel like I need to go to a room covered in mirrors and scold myself!! This weekend is going to be just as bad due to it being Noelle's birthday. I am starting back up hardcore on Monday. There is no way I will succeed with Noelle's food plans. We are doing Ihop for breakfast so I will "need" pancakes. I ordered the "healthy" breakfast from there before and it was disgusting!! She wants Camino Real for lunch and who can turn down queso cheese? We are doing a ice cream bar and homemade chicken and dumplings for dinner!!  Yeah trying to be good and healthy with all of that going on would be detrimental to my well being!!  I need to make better choices and lose some more of this belly and butt!  I bought new capris today and it felt amazing to try on smaller sizes.  I have patients noticing and commenting on my weight loss daily now which feels wonderful!! I have to remember those moments to knock myself back into the right frame of mind. All of this is on my shoulders. I am the only one who can do this for myself.

Valleys.

Ive had a really rough week in the eating department since the weekend.  I got to the 160's and did so good last week and now this week has been a complete bust!  I seem to have the same pattern every month.  I will do really well and then sabotage myself.  I haven't made good decisions this week.  I have over ate and binged a couple times.  Jason asked me how Ive done this week and I was to embarrassed to even tell him.  Ive done better today but Monday and Tuesday were really *bleeped* up!  I haven't lost complete focus.  I know this because I realize what I am doing and am reeling it all back in.  I have slacked on "my fitness pal" terribly and need to jump back on the journaling wagon.  I guess I felt I needed a little break.  I am disappointed in myself but moving forward,  There always has to be those valleys after the beautiful sun covered peaks.  I don't expect my weigh in Friday to be very good at all.  I am sure I will see the 170's pop back up.  There isn't anyone to blame but myself.  Pulling up my big girl panties and carrying on!

Week 13 weigh in.

I am in the 160's!!!!!  I am beyond excited!  I am now weighing in at home on Fridays since I am done with the medical program.  I was 169.5 this morning!  I am down 25 pounds and I could not be happier!  I have amazed myself with what I have been able to accomplish!  Next week I will get measured again as the get fit challenge will be coming to an end as well.  Excited to see the results from that!  I'm becoming a new person with everyday that passes and I love it!  If I can do this you all can for sure!  I have never stuck with anything for this long.  Onward to the 150's!

Flips and Flops

Over the past week I have had many flips. What's a flip? It's when something happens that makes you want to do a double triple fliple! Yes I made up a word. I like to do that. Lol. When something exciting happens I become a Olympic gold gymnastic star (in my head of course).
My first flip came last week when I went and called a patient who was there for her 6 week post partum appointment. As soon as she and her husband walked through the door he said "Congratulations!" I was confused because I should have been congratulating them on having their beautiful baby girl. Instead he was congratulating ME on my weight loss! I was so thankful that they had noticed! I was very proud that I made it to that 12 week point where other people start noticing. Hooooooray!!
My double flip came yesterday! I went into my closet and saw my goal capris laying on the floor.  Last time I tried them on I could barely pull them up over my thighs/hips and I couldn't button them at all.  Well yesterday I slipped those babies on and buttoned them!!! I ran out to the living room so excited to show Jason. He was so proud and Noelle said "you are getting skinny".  I had the biggest smile on my face!! Now I couldn't keep the cute capris on because I may have been able to button them but I still had a muffin top! I tend to lean toward comfort and prefer no extra baggage coming along for the ride.
My triple flip came Monday when I spent the majority of the day with my sweet husband. Most of the day was spent at the VA but that time was spent just us talking, relaxing, and holding hands. When you have children your marriage is placed second to often. You need moments to just be.  The evening was spent walking around the mall holding hands and a surprise purchase from my love. I got some rocking orange sunglasses!! Since I have lost the weight I feel much more attractive and that is due to the compliments from Jason.  I love my marriage and feel so loved.

Onward to the flops. You know that moment when you jump off the high dive and belly flop smack into the water? That's how my flops feel.  This week has been hard.  I've been off work since Saturday and have been incredibly busy. Busy days mean poor eating decisions. I've not ate three times a day in several days. Breakfast has been later in the day so I will skip lunch or dinner. We are eating out more so I know the meals are packed full of calories. If I eat a high calorie meal I'm usually full for quite some time so I end up going to bed having not eaten. Once the clock hits 8 I try not to eat anything else. So I'm happy that I am observant of what I'm doing and am making decisions to help myself. I do however also know that I'm probably not eating enough.  Things should get back to normal after tomorrow.
Enjoy those flipping moments and embrace the flopping moments!

Stay tuned for my Friday weigh in!!

Aging.

This doesn't fully have to do with losing weight but I do have a point to my mental madness!!  As I have gotten older I think about aging a lot.  Every year that passes gives me a little more anxiety.  Older family members are dying and turning gray.  Death and dying has become a in my face reality.  I see wrinkles forming around my eyes and areas sagging that I would love to be perky and pristine!  I hear about kids younger than me dying and it makes me think about life and how it could come to an end in a second.  My kids are growing and changing on a daily basis. Noelle is becoming a teenager with boy crushes, attitude, and physical developments (so scary).  Ani is a true toddler always up to no good making me have mini heart attacks multiple times a day.  Life is flying by and it's hard to catch up!  I see my parents and grandparents aging and that is one of the most difficult to see.  I find myself counting how many more years the ones I love will be alive.  If you all haven't realized I have a bit of anxiety (don't judge me!) LOL. My mind runs a million miles an hour.  I guess the point of all this gibberish is stay healthy!  One of the best things you can do for yourself and the ones you love is to eat healthy and to exercise.  Take care of your body in every way possible to prolong your life. We all want to age gracefully and live a long life right?!  All of this is not a guaranteed life saver but every little bit helps!!  Be that healthy parent and role model. Pat yourself on the back and be proud of every step in the right direction to a healthy lifestyle you have made!!

12 week weigh in!

I am officially on my own! Today was my final weigh in at the wellness center. I've got all the tools and knowledge I need and I am ready go!! My final weight was 173. I have lost 20.8 pounds!! I have lost 5 inches from my waist and 2.5 from my hips! I'm pretty excited to see how well I can do counting only on myself. I am going to continue counting calories and hope to start exercising more. Next week is supposed to be gorgeous and I am off until Thursday so running is on the top of my to do list.  I get frustrated with myself and think " if only" often. If only I had exercised more these past 3 months I could have lost much more.  I try not to think about that but it's only natural I think. I am going to continue weighing in and letting you all know how it's going.  I'm taking my 12 week bra and panty pictures tomorrow and so hoping I see some changes. I hate that part.  If you really want to see who you truly are and what you look like take a picture. It's a humbling moment.  I've had many readers go on their own weight loss journeys and love seeing the statuses on Facebook! I hope you all continue with me! There is nothing better than getting a message or text telling me that my blog is inspirational. I love hearing about your successes!  Have a great weekend friends!

Oooops I did it again.

Oh five guys.  Five guys is sooooooo delicious.  I gave in today and went and had the above delicious goodness!!  Heck it was even my idea on where to go.  Tsk Tsk!  I have no excuses. I just wanted to eat it.  I knew I didn't need to go eat it but I did anyway.  I've learned through this journey that I can't limit myself to much.  I do realize and understand that by Friday (the day of my weigh in) I more than likely will not lose much weight.  I've "grown up" through this process.  I know that if I make a mistake through the week it will most likely reflect on the scale. I've also learned to not beat myself up for it.  This is a slow process. I've learned that along the way as well.  Of course I get discouraged when I don't lose a big chunk of weight but I get over it quickly.  Have I regretted splurging today? I can't lie and say I don't.  I have to say though those bag fries were pretty damn delicious!!  Cheater cheater five guys eater!!

11 week weigh in

I had my weigh in today and I was 174.2. I only lost .2 ounces but I am okay with it! I didn't expect to lose a huge amount after my 3 pound loss last week.  I feel good with where I am right now! I have my head on straight and I know what I need to do to get where I want to be!  I did lose 1.8 pounds of fat but gained in water. I'm drinking more soda again so I know that's where my water retention is coming from! Shhhhhhhhh don't tell anybody!  A girl needs her caffeine!  Enjoy your weekend my friends!!

Self esteem

I often wonder if there will ever be a weight that I can get to where I will not feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have lost the twenty pounds and am so proud of myself but I still see a whole lot of fat when I look in the mirror.  I look down in the shower and critique everything.  I will stand in front of the mirror and lift the fat up from my stomach and daydream about how I would look without it.  I do the same thing with my outer thighs and my breasticles.  My thighs and hips are so big and always have been.  I have the hardest time losing fat in those areas.  If you really want a visual my thighs measure 27 inches.  That my friends is as big as a average persons WAIST!  My old jeans still don't feel much different to me.  I hear stories of people losing 20 pounds and dropping 3 pant sizes.  How does that happen?!  Ive dropped 20 pounds and the only clothing change I've noticed is that I need new bras because my boobs have gotten smaller.  I am still wearing size large shirts although they are roomier in the waist.  I honestly just want to feel good about myself.  I know the outside physicality isn't all that matters but to me it means a lot. I often make jokes about myself because its easier to deal with that way.  It may sound harsh to people who read what I write about myself but to me it's a coping skill. Being able to type out all of my thoughts on this journey has helped me immensely.   I just want the inside to match the outside as cliche as that sounds.  Don't get me wrong I am so thankful that I am losing the lard!  I just wish (my husband HATES to hear "I wish") I could see more changes.  I guess in reality everyone wishes they could have more or do more or see more.  I just have to keep trucking along and lose the weight slowly. Its been almost 3 months since I started this blog and my "change in lifestyle".  This is the longest period of time that I have EVER stuck to a weight loss plan. My old self would have given up and thrown in the towel long ago. The end of February was difficult for me as I didn't lose any weight for two weigh ins in a row.  2013 Autumn would have said F-it give me a candy bar!  I'm proud of myself for continuing.  I'm a little nervous about doing it on my own soon. In two weeks my time with the weight loss clinic will be done.  I guess that will be my true test.  I'm scared but I think I will be okay. I've changed a lot. I've learned how to portion my food and count calories. I look at labels now which makes a huge difference and helps immensely.  I have to think ahead and remember that in three months I've lost 20 pounds so it is feasible to be able to lose 60 pounds in 9 months!  Slow and steady wins the race right?!  I know that this will never be over. I know that I will always have a love/hate relationship with food.  I'll never be able to eat whatever I want and get away with it. At least I have realized it will be a lifelong battle.  Suck it up and lose the lard!!!

10 week weigh in.

I am officially 20 pounds lighter!!!!! I am beyond excited to have reached this milestone!  I have never been so excited to see 174 show up on the scale.  I've proven to myself that if I put my mind to this I can do it!!!  Taking the evening off and enjoying some Mexican and ice cream! Enjoy the weekend friends! Thank you for the support!

Hungry.

I swear I have never been as hungry as I have been the past 3 days! I have no idea what changed but I feel like I'm starving 24/7. Monday morning I woke up at 130 in the morning with my stomach growling and sooooooo hungry! I never did get full that day. I would eat and never feel satisfied. It has been really strange and a true challenge. I woke up Tuesday morning at 4 feeling the same exact way all day long. I ate yesterday at lunch and finally had a full feeling but it didn't last long. Today has been just the same.  In the beginning of this weight loss journey I was hungry all the damn time but I at least understood why. It's not even that I am having massive cravings.  The only thing I've really wanted that isn't the best for me is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I could eat those all day if I was allowed!  I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to lose weight and watch calories but I'm seriously really freaking hungry. It's not "I'm bored" hunger. It's not "I'm stressed" hunger. I've actually felt surprisingly fabulous!! I've been started on a new medicine for my fibromyalgia and lupus and it has done wonders for my pain! It's been such a relief to not hurt every moment of the day. I've looked into side effects of the medicine and have found none to be "overly hungry to the point of feeling starved" in my research. So it's really a conundrum. Any thoughts? It takes everything I have to not go invade the kitchen. It's been a true test of my willpower. I am seeing new numbers on the scale and it makes me want to stay true to my plan. I am seeing results again and it is addicting. So as much as I want to go get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I will not. I will continue typing this blog for you all to read and then head to bed.  Exciting I know!  I'm sure I'll dream of FOOD!  Next weigh in is Friday! Hoping to hit the 20 pound mark!!

I saw this picture and was automatically intrigued with it! I know some may find it disturbing and disgusting but I think it is true to life. If your diet consists of greasy hamburgers, fries, and cookies you are headed in the wrong direction.  Our bodies are what walks us through life. If you want to live a long life make some adjustments to what you eat on a daily basis. Our internal organs can only handle so much abuse before they turn on us.  This lifestyle change has made me think differently about so many things. I only have this one body. I depend on it to get me through life healthy and happy.  It's already damaged by Lupus. It's only fair to feed it what it needs to stay strong.
On that note I hope I at least made one of you want to make a lifestyle change!  It's not all glitter and ponies but it sure is rewarding!

Makes me smile.

Jason told me he could really tell that Ive lost weight today

Having Jason notice small physical changes makes me smile really big.  Nothing better than having your husband give you compliments.  That most definitely keeps me in the right frame of mind and makes me want to continue on the journey.

Food Nazi.

Today I am so very thankful to have Dr. Bratsch in my weight loss corner! Yesterday she convinced me NOT to go get chocolate fudge pie from the kitchen at work. This pie was apparently amazing! After talking to her I went and got my dark chocolate covered blueberries instead. They curbed my craving for that damn pie! Later on in the day Dr. Bratsch told me she feels like a food Nazi. So the name stuck! Lol.  She keeps me in check and I am so glad!  I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a new number!!!!! So I was even more thankful for not eating the delicious pie! It's so nice to have other people noticing the physical changes too! This has been a long 9 weeks but well worth it. I'm excited to see who I am next January!
Dr Bratsch is also doing amazing on her own weight loss journey. She has lost almost 18 pounds!

A side note I was a 40 DD and I am now a 38 C!!

9 week weigh in.

Weighed in today and lost .6 pounds putting me at 177.4. Not a huge loss by any means but definitely better than a gain!

Plateau.

I think I have hit my plateau. No weight loss for going on 3 weeks. I have my official weigh in tomorrow but based on my own scale it has barely moved. At this point I feel indifferent.   I know that I have made some mistakes in the past 3 weeks. The week after my big weight loss I went a little food crazy. I have been back on track however for the past 2 weeks now.  I've been exercising more than before and staying within my calories most days.  I have splurged on pizza one time this week. I ate three pieces instead of two like I should have.  I've been drinking diet Pepsi more often and not telling my Dr's (I am bad like that). I don't drink it everyday but I do drink it about three times a week now. I've given up a lot and I don't think a few diet sodas will make that big of a difference. Every other time in my life that I have hit a plateau I end up giving up. It's hard to have a different perspective. I have to reel myself back in every time I want to stray and give up.

I haven't given up for multiple reasons.
1. I've lost 16 pounds! Why in the world would I give up only to regain all of the weight I worked so hard to lose.
2. I've lost lots of inches!! My clothes fit different. I can zip my coat up. I can wrap a towel around my whole body.
3. I've become an inspiration for friends and even my husband! What an honor.
4. I'm now a wonderful example for my children.  I have found that Anistyn loves fish and broccoli. She would have never gotten the opportunity to eat either of those if I hadn't changed my diet!
5. I see the start of a different person when I look in the mirror.

This experience has allowed me to build some confidence. I still have a long way to go to be the confident person I want to be but I have made baby steps. None of this means that I won't be discouraged if the numbers don't change. None of this means I wont turn to ice cream to help me out of a funk.  What I have realized is that this is a process. It's a long frustrating, joyous, irritating, depriving, happy, triumphant process.

Breakfast option.

I made a breakfast casserole yesterday to have for breakfast this week. I have to admit that it was incredibly easy to just pull the dish out of the refrigerator plop it on a plate heat it and eat it. It was pretty filling but nothing like my oatmeal. Hoping it grows on me. There are more calories in this but less carbs even with the fruit. Here's to lifestyle changes!

I'm mentally better this week than I have been the past few weeks.  I went to the Dr and had some medication changes that will hopefully help with the Lupus/Fibro issues. This is the first time in years that I have let Lupus get me down. Sometimes your body just screams for a break and you have to oblige.

Thank you readers and thank you for all of the support and advice along the way!

New sweet treat.

I went to the grocery store today hungry!!! Don't do that! I did make good choices during the trip one being these little ice cream bars. They curbed my chocolate and ice cream craving! They only have 100 calories in them which is perfect for a snack! Enjoy!

6 week measurements (GET FIT)

2 month weigh in.

Well this weigh in did not go as expected. I haven't lost any weight the past two weeks and it sucks. I thought I had gotten back on track this week even exercising more but to no avail I gained. I weighed in at 178.2. Only a 2 ounce gain but it stabs the heart never the less.  I did lose another 1/2 an inch on my waist which was good news.  I needed some kind of good news. I am getting a bit frustrated with the restrictions. I've started eating oatmeal every morning because it quick,easy, and filling. The downside is that it has 40 carbs per serving. When you are restricted to 75-100 carbs the 40 is a lot.  They now want me to cut the oatmeal completely. Urgh. Last I knew oatmeal was great for you!! I'm also finding it difficult to curb my sweet tooth because I'm limited on the fruit I can eat. Fruit has a ton of carbs!! I'm wondering what the hell can I eat?  I've never been told to not eat fruit. So there is a lot of irritation going along with the lifestyle. I go tomorrow for my GET FIT second assessment. I had my body fat checked with calibers the first time so I'm hoping I will get some good results there.  I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for reading.

Two more victories.

Today it was suggested by my fabulous Dr that I pull out my goal pants and make them my motivation. She is brilliant!  I went in the closet when I got home and pulled them out. I thought for sure I would not be able to get them over my knees. To my surprise I pulled those size 10 capris over my knees up my thighs and over my butt!!!  I still have a ways to go because I couldn't button them but what a motivation boost!! I actually feel that by summer I will be able to fit in them comfortably and button them with no problem.

I have also noticed that when I wrap my towel around myself after the shower it goes all the way around me! I know that may seem silly but to me it brings much needed confidence!

I know this blog makes me sound horribly bipolar but I am not! Lol. This journey is just hardcore. Today I'm all for the challenge!

10 minute workouts.

I recently found an app on my kindle for free 10 minute workouts.  There is an individual app for legs, butt, arms, abs, cardio and an all over workout.  It has been great for me during the week when I don't have a lot of time.  It really works because my muscles are sore!!  Some of that probably (for sure) is due to me being horribly out of shape but none the less it is working!  So for you ladies who are struggling with finding the time to go to the gym this is perfect for you.  You can do it at home which doesn't take away time with your family.  Ive enjoyed focusing on one area of my body for 10 minutes and then another for 10 minutes.  The 20 minutes goes by so fast!! It has you do a different exercise every minute so the variety and change makes it interesting.  Hope you all will try it out!

Here we go again.

Sabotage: deliberate destruction/ to hinder.  That's a good word for what I keep doing to myself. I knowingly stress eat and binge eat. I have had this issue my entire life. I am well and full aware of when I am stress eating and yet I continue to do it. I think that makes me an idiot. This has felt like the longest craziest roller coaster of my life. It's only been 2 months and I have screwed up numerous times. I'm wondering if I will ever learn.  I was doing well today and then life happened. I got home to a cranky 2 year old which in turn made a cranky husband and made me want to turn around and go back to work. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating. I really wanted to reach 20 pounds by my weigh in Friday but at this rate it most definitely will not be happening. I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day with a clean slate. Cheers to that.

Ridiculous cravings.

I woke up craving pancakes.  PANCAKES!  Why in the world can I not wake up craving high protein low calorie low carb options?!  LOL!  I know absolutely ridiculous to think that would really happen!  The cravings this past 2 weeks have been nuts!  One (well lots more than one) taste of sugar last weekend and that's all I want!  So for the folks who don't think that sugar is addicting or not bad for you listen up.  SUGAR IS THE DEVIL!    I want all things sugar and its driving me crazy.  Ive been pretty good since Monday and this weekend I haven't cheated much at all.  I really wanted the thin mints in the freezer last night but I stayed away.  I went to the gas station down the street and bought a Reese's peanut butter egg (MY FAVE) and it is still sitting on the banister.  Sadly it is all Ive thought about!  I did however make the conscious decision to wait to eat it today instead of 9:00 p.m. last night.  Thinking that way takes effort let me tell you!  I had to of lost like 50 calories just thinking that way!  Almost 2 months in and its getting harder.  I guess this is one of the downs.  I am ready for another up!  So friends who aren't dieting and can eat whatever you want PLEASE eat some cookies for me!  I will be eternally grateful!

7 week weigh in.

I weighed in today at 178 pounds. I gained .4 ounces today. I was told that the gain was water. My fat mass went down 1.2 pounds. So in retrospect it wasn't a terrible weigh in.

I started my day very angry after my weigh in.  I knew I didn't lose weight and I knew it was because I got stupid with my choices over the weekend.  I am always so hard on myself. I am constantly thinking "if I had or hadn't done this or that the result would have been better". So of course my thinking was if I hadn't of went crazy devouring everything I saw over the weekend I would have actually lost weight. I had several friends tell me that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to take a small step back. Those kind words helped a lot. I was still growling about the .4 when I got home this evening. I saw the quote above while scrolling through Facebook and it changed my perspective.  Sometimes this journey seems unattainable and so out of reach but I am proud of the progress so far. I have lost 16 pounds in less than 2 months!  So despite my mistakes this past weekend I am happy. I know that I have done well this week and am ready to continue the journey. I would love nothing more than to reach 20 pounds in 8 weeks!!

Disappointment.

This has been a very hard week for me.  I lost my focus last Friday and have had a horrible time getting it back.  I feel so incredibly disappointed in myself.  I was doing so good thinking I had this all in the bag and I was sorely mistaken.  What a slap in the face this week as been.  I know it may seem silly to some but I am really terrified of tomorrows weigh in.  I am embarrassed of all of the mistakes Ive made this week.  Every cheat I have written down is a reminder of the way I let myself go.  It is really crazy how fast a frame of mind can be turned upside down.  Ive gotten back on track for the most part but there have still been those moments of weakness.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I seem to always destroy my progress.  I swear I am my own worst enemy.  I started getting compliments and people started noticing the changes and automatically I let myself go to shit.  Trying to rewire my brain again and get with it.  I am hoping I haven't gained to much.  I really don't want to take steps backward.  Ugh.  This is most definitely a real life weight struggle. 
Thank you to the friends who continue to read this blog and root for me. 

Jumping back on.

This has been a rough weekend. I have gotten way off track and am so angry with myself.  There is a reason that I don't have cheat days. I end up sabotaging myself.   I am trying to convince myself that it will end up being okay but all I can think about is the lack of progress I have made these past 2 days. I can't believe I was on such a weight loss high just 2 days ago.


The above was written this morning when I woke up feeling defeated.  It was also written after I ate a m&m cookie for breakfast and was feeling pretty shitty about myself.


 I am now doing great!  I talked myself out of my funk and jumped back on the right track.  The weather is beautiful and that helped with the slump.  I had to begrudgingly talk myself into putting my running shoes on to attempt to run for the first time in almost 3 months.  Once I got outside and took that first stride I felt AH-MAZING!  I instantly became relaxed and felt like I could run/walk forever.  I am looking forward to more beautiful days so I can get out there and run some more!  I am beyond excited for spring to get here as I so enjoy being outside.  I love sitting outside watching the kids play and going on family walks. 


I am still stressing about my upcoming weigh in but I feel better for having the motivation to get back up and keep moving.

Cheat Day.

I had my first official cheat DAY in 6 weeks.  I didn't eat very healthy but I am okay with it.  I've ate something unhealthy here and there but nothing extreme like yesterday.  I honestly felt like I deserved to take it easy and indulge a little bit.  I was terrified before to sway to much because I thought I would completely lose control and end up going back to the old me.  I can tell that my mind set has changed though and that feels good.  I didn't journal my calories yesterday.  I had a running count in my head but I knew if I started writing them down I would panic.  The idea of seeing all the calories tracked on paper makes me stress just a little bit.  Okay it makes me stress a lot!  I don't know if that's a good sign or a OCD sign?  Either way it keeps me in line most of the time.  I started my day with a hot pink rice krispie treat.  The ONLY reason they were in my house was because we made them for Anistyn's Valentines Day party at daycare.  That was my breakfast. Healthy? No not at all.  Yummy?  Absolutely.  We decided to have lunch delivered at work and in hind site I should have just ate the lunch I packed but I wanted a break.  I looked at the nutrition menus of 3-4 different places and honestly they were all not very good.  The girls at work decided to order Jimmy Johns (sandwich shop).  My first time eating lunch with the ladies since I started my journey (well besides eating what I would bring in my lunch).  I ordered a turkey lettuce wrap and a pickle.  I skipped the chips and asked for no mayo.  I thought that was a good decision.  Again in hind site I should have ordered no cheese and no avocado spread but then would that really be worth ordering?  It was good but definitely not fabulous and I wouldn't order it again.  After eating it I looked up the nutrition.  That lettuce wrap was 540 calories!!  That is over half of my allotted caloric intake.  Now minus the mayo is was probably under 500 but still it was ridiculous.  It amazes me how many calories are in the food we eat.  It is no wonder we are an obese country.  Most fast food meals have 1000+ calories in them.  For a normal person on a 1200 calorie diet 1 meal will destroy their day!  I skipped my snacks yesterday (another not so smart decision) to allow me the calories for the rest of the day.  There was a Valentines Day party at work and they had candy and cookies.  I made a conscious decision that I didn't want to waste my calories on that.  I settled for a small glass of diet coke.  Once home however the remnants of the rice krispie treats were still there and I couldn't resist them!  I ate more than I should and ended up throwing them in the trash so I would stay out of them.  That's why we don't buy things like that for our house.  If it is never bought or made you cant make a poor decision and ruin your day.  Since it was Valentines Day we made reservations to take the girls to Chick-fil-A as they had a special evening planned for RSVPers (I know that's not a word.  Anyone that knows me will attest that I make up my own words often).  Of course there were better for you meals but I chose the classic chicken and waffle fries.  I tried hard not to feel guilty and just enjoy this day of not logging calories.  I didn't eat all of my bread and I left over half of my fries.  They did have a chocolate fountain with strawberries, marshmallows and pretzels so I had to check that out.  I chose strawberries (they ARE healthier right?) and skipped the marshmallows (I do believe I had enough with the 500 rice krispie treats I ate).   I started to feel guilty and my mind was going a million miles an hour.  I was worried that Jason was thinking I was a glutton and destroying my progress.  Rationally though I know he wasn't paying any attention and is proud of what I have accomplished.  I cant believe how much guilt comes with a cheat day!  All in all it was a very nice relaxing dinner with my girls and guy!  On the way home I really wanted a blizzard from DQ but didn't say anything.  I knew that I really didn't need it and neither did my kids.  They have had their fill of chocolate the past 3 days.  I'm surprised Anistyn hasn't broke out onto Noelle's balcony and ran across the roof as much sugar as she has had!  I got home and the poor decisions continued.  I wasn't even hungry and I ate way to many damn Samoa girl scout cookies.  I ended up throwing the rest away.  Some may say it was a waste but for my own good I had to not have access to them.  So that was my day.  Phew!  What a roller coaster.  I don't know my final calorie count but I know it was ridiculously high.  I am already terrified that I have destroyed my weigh in for this coming week.  Some day I hope to not feel guilty about everything in my life.  Tonight Jason and I are going out for OUR Valentines Day date kid less.  I will have to make MORE decisions but I know today they will be the right ones.  Thanks to the Dr I work for I have strawberries and a CALORIE free chocolate and marshmallow sauce to indulge in tonight!
Thank you to everyone who commented on the pictures I posted last night on facebook.  It was overwhelming to have so many friends comment on how they can tell I have lost weight in my face.  Its exciting to have other people notice the changes occurring!  I told you all I had a double chin before!  It was enjoyable telling it goodbye! 

6 week weigh in.

I am so proud of myself today! Facebook friends have already heard my news so I'm not sure how many people will actually read this tonight. I am so happy to share my news again! I went in to my weigh in with two goals. I wanted to have lost 15 pounds and I wanted to be in the 170's. I kicked both of my goals in the ass! I weighed in at 177.6 and I have lost a total of 16.4 pounds!!! It feels amazing to see the numbers go down and to see the physical changes occurring. I have learned how to eat healthy and control my urges. Learning how to eat healthy is hard. I feel like I have made huge strides to become a new person. What a wonderful day!!!!

Goal time.

I have two very big goals I am striving for this week! I am wanting to be in the 170's and wanting to have lost 15 pounds in total! Who thinks I can do it?! I figure if I put my goals out there for you all to read I will HAVE to make them!
 I am still doing great with my diet!  I have all of that down pat.  I am having difficulty with exercising.  I never thought it would be that way.  I have never been able to stick with good nutrition.  Now of course I sway.  I just don't sway to far in the wrong direction.  I indulge but still stay within my caloric restraint most of the time. 

Right now I am having a difficult time with fatigue, lack of energy, and generalized weakness.  That is all thanks to the big douche Lupus.  I am struggling to make it up the stairs without getting winded and weak. I find myself out of breath just walking across the living room.   I have times like these and know that it will pass but it doesn't get any less frustrating.  I haven't let Lupus get the best of me in many many years and don't plan on doing it now.  I am just doing what I can when I can.  If diet is all Ive got right now I will work with it.  I tried to walk on the treadmill last night and only made it 20 minutes before half of my right foot/toes down to my arch were numb and two toes on the left foot were heading that way.  Did it make me angry?  hell yes.  Today however is a new day and I'm pressing forward.  For those of you who don't know anything about Lupus should read and educate yourself.  Usually nobody knows I am hurting (except my hubby of course and I even try to hide it from him) or having any issues.  I have learned to take everything in life lightly and press on.  Dwelling on the fact that I hurt everyday isn't going to make me or the day any better. 
As for the girl scout cookies sitting on the counter they aren't going to win either!

Small victories.

It's the small things that matter the most right?!
I am now able to wear my coat zipped up and over my butt/hips with no struggle!

Month 2. Weigh in 1.

I went to my weigh in today with no confidence what so ever and came out having lost 1.2 pounds!!! I know not a huge weight loss but definitely better than what I expected. I am at a total of 12.4 pounds lost since 01/03/2014! Wow!!! I am so incredibly proud of myself. I have never been one to lose weight easy or stick to a plan for so long. I am ready to become a new person and I am well on my way to finding her!
Tonight we celebrated Anistyn's 2nd Birthday. That of course meant cake, ice cream, and pizza! I decided to take a small hiatus and indulge a little bit. I didn't go crazy but I did eat all of the junk. My stomach is making me pay for eating all the sugar. I have had stomach cramps since partaking in the unhealthy food. Makes me reconsider eating like that again for sure.  Was it worth it? Nope.
I am going to try very hard to get to the 170's at my next weigh in! For the first time in my life I have confidence that I will.

Not ready.

Tomorrow I have my weigh in and I am fairly certain I have gained weight.  I haven't exercised but one time since my last weigh in.  I have had terrible fatigue, lupus pain, and no motivation.  It is also that wonderful time of the month where cravings are at an all time high.  My appetite is ridiculous and I am bloated.  All of this combined with an upcoming weigh in makes for a disaster.  I do believe I have reason to have low to no confidence.  The up side is that I still stuck to my 900 calories.  90% or so is diet right? 

Wowzah.

Jason and I went on a date yesterday and I went rummaging through my closet trying to find something to wear. After trying on multiple shirts that fit just 4 weeks ago now hang off of me and look ridiculous! I also pulled a pair of size 12 skinny leggings that I hadn't wore in quite sometime because quite frankly my ass was to big and my muffin top was disgusting. These pants went right on!!! I didn't have to lie on the bed to zip them up or anything! How wonderful it is to see my body change. It's becoming more apparent and I love it!!!
Thank you to everyone rooting me on and reading my blog! My last blog post was read by over 100 people! I hope you all are finding motivation and seeking a healthier lifestyle from reading this! I get my motivation from all of you! I can't wait for the months to come. In 1 month I've lost 11 pounds, dropped 2 pant sizes, and said goodbye to 6.5 inches! I never thought it was possible!!
Enjoy your super bowl parties and eat in moderation! You can still make healthy choices. It's all about willpower.

1 month weigh in and measurements.

Today was the day for my 1 month weigh in!  I have to say I went in with very low confidence.  I just knew I wasn't going to do well but to my surprise I did!!  I lost 2.2 pounds this week and that puts me at a grand total of 11.2!!!!  I wanted to break 10 pounds in a month and I did!  They also checked my waist and hip measurements.  I had no idea that they were going to do that this time.  Apparently they do it once a month.  My waist the first visit was 44 and it is now 40 in.  I lost 4 inches in my waist!!!  I can tell that I am slimmer there by how my scrub tops fit.  I cant say that when I'm naked looking at myself that I can see much of a difference.  I still see a whole lot of belly fat.  My hip measurement the first day was 49.5 and today it was 47 in!  I lost 2.5 inches in my hips!  So far I cant tell a difference at all in my hips not even with how my jeans fit.  I'm excited for when I can tell though. That is a total of 6.5 inches lost!  I am so very proud of myself.  I don't tend to stick to things very long and I have stuck to this for a month now.  It has become my way of life.  I feel great setting an example for my kids!

A new recipe.

Chicken Pizza

I don't know about you but I LOVE pizza!  It is something I have missed A LOT since starting this journey.  I decided today that I wanted to try out a new healthier version of a pizza pie.  It turned out so DELICIOUS!  Jason even liked it and he couldn't fathom chicken on a pizza.  I put in all of the ingredients and it came out to 110 calories a slice!  Not to bad if I do say so myself.  So how did I do it? Read on.

- Boboli thin pizza crust (pre made and ready to go)
-1/4 cup of Ragu homemade pizza sauce
-1 cup of shredded spinach (raw)
-1 small can of sliced olives
-1 chopped tomato
-1 can of canned chicken (with the tuna)
-1 cup of mozzarella cheese

The result was scrumdiddlyumpcious!

Anxiety.

I'm not sure what has got my anxiety meter on high right now but I don't like it.  I am freaking myself out about everything.  Anistyn is having her surgery this week and I know that has me stressed.  I know this isnt a major surgery but my children have never had to be put under and to me that is scary. 
I hate that society's mistakes make me panic.  I went on a mommy/daughter date with my oldest yesterday and worried the whole time I was in the theater.  I was making sure I knew of ways to get out if I needed to.  I wondered if this would be the next theater some screwed up kid would decide to shoot up.  It really terrifies me that my children will live in a world of fear. 
Anyway what does that have to do with a weight loss blog?  I am a stress eater if you recall.  When I am anxious or stressed I want to eat.  I am thankful that today is Monday and I am going back to work.  Work is an easy outlet to relieve my stress.  Stress also causes weight gain especially that lovely belly fat we all know and love so much.  This all in turn makes me anxious for my weigh in on Thursday. I already have a head full of doubt and don't feel like I am going to do well.  Why do I let my brain control so many aspects of my life!?  I hoping that I get a sense of relief and peace soon. 
Also I noticed that Anistyn stepped on the scale last night by accident and it came on.  So me being the scale addict that I am have stepped on it 3 times since last night.  This isn't good.  I know in my head I need to just stop or I'm going to screw myself up but if only it were that easy.  I thought the battery was out of the scale and I hadn't stepped on it in over 2 months.  Ugh.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Nope that didn't help.  Man this journey is a up and down battle.  Have a good one folks.

Hummus!

I asked my Facebook friends a few days ago about hummus.  I honestly had never tried it and was a little scared to buy it.  The name sounded weird and it looked like packaged vomit.  I did however like the health benefits.  I liked that it was low in calorie and carbohydrates.  So I ventured to Kroger yesterday in search of hummus.  After taking a lap around the store and coming up hummus less I asked an employee where it could be.  She directed me to the deli section and Hazzah! it was there.  I got "roasted red pepper" as that was the most talked about flavor on my Facebook post.  I looked into getting pita chips to go with it as that was a common recommendation by you all.  However after reading the nutrition label the carbs were way to high for my particular diet.  I decided to get raw cauliflower and broccoli.  I got it home and reluctantly dug in.  To my surprise it was DELICIOUS!  I am so excited to have a low calorie and carb snack!  The veggies give me that crunch (which for whatever reason I feel I need in a meal) and the hummus gives me the salt I need.  It was a very pleasant surprise.  Thank you to everyone who recommended it! Next step is making my own!

Weaker? Food cravings and double chins. OH MY!

I have been on this journey since January 1st.  I didn't start the wellness program until the 3rd but I was already trying to eat better and exercise on my own.  I am 25 days into this and exercising seems to be getting harder!  I thought that by now I would start to build up some stamina and this would be a little easier.  I know it wont be crazy easy because I am fat and out of shape but I didn't think it would get harder.  Why is it getting harder?  *pouting* Its frustrating to me!  Full of frustrations the past few days.  I don't know if its due to a stressful long week at work or what.  Ive tried to exercise as much as I can despite the long late days at work.  I'm doing the same tapes (alternating between about 4) so they aren't new moves I'm doing.  I just don't know.  I'm just glad I am keeping up with it all. My later days I try and do Yoga or Pilates and short days and weekends I do my cardio tapes.  Id say I am averaging about 4 days a week of exercise.  It makes me very nervous to get out there and try and run again.  I have big dreams in my head of who I want to be but am still scared to get out there and do it.  Hopefully by this time next month I will be stronger.  Luckily I work at an awesome place and they are now going to be offering Yoga and Zumba to their employees starting next week.  Yoga will be on Tuesday and Zumba will be on Thursday.  Ive never tried Zumba and have an inkling that I will not look real sexy doing it!  There will be a tremendous amount of fat jiggling.  Ewwww. The best part of this is that I wont have to leave work and go to another facility to do it.  I always feel guilty leaving work and going to a gym to work out before going to see my family.

Food cravings.......I hate them.  Yesterday was a rough one.  I wanted something sweet!  I craved candy bars, cake, and ice cream like nobody's business at work.  Jason ended up bringing me a cappuccino (I know not a great choice) and it made those cravings go away.  After the long week I forgot to take anything out of the freezer to thaw yesterday.  Pisses me off when I do that.  Noelle of course wanted Arbys.  I checked the nutrition of each item before I even went through the drive through so I would have my plan in place. I ended up getting a turkey and cheese kid meal with a water.  Yes I could have chosen apple slices but I didn't (I suck sometimes).  I did however end up sharing the fries between Anistyn (I did get her apple slices) and Jason.  So I did feel better not having ate the entire contents by myself.  Was it worth the calories?  Not really.  I would have been just as happy eating a can of soup.  The good news I didn't go to far over my calorie allotment (1027).  I exercised after dinner and that helped with the excess.  The best news is I woke up not craving a damn thing.  There are ALWAYS going to be temptations and it is on you how you decide to conquer them.

Damn Double Chin

Last but not least DOUBLE CHINS.  Who likes them?  I sure as hell do not!  Anyone that knows me (especially my photographer friends) is well aware of my aversion to double chins.  I am always terrified that I will have a double chin in a photo.  I am a pro at situating my face in a manner that will hide the second chin.  We were born with one chin (well except as a baby we have about 10) and I enjoy only seeing one chin. The good news is that I have been told by a few people that my face looks slimmer.  They didn't come out and say "Your nasty ass double chin is disappearing", but that is what I heard loud and clear!  LOL.  If my face slimming is the first thing to go I will surely take it!  Its exciting to see small changes.  It would be even more exciting to see some BIG changes.