Starting Over.

I feel like I am starting from scratch. I know despite how I feel that I have not completely destroyed my progress. The scale has not changed a whole lot but the way I feel about myself has. Those non scale victories are slowly becoming non victories.  I've honestly let financial stress and Lupus get me very depressed. I'm glad I can honestly say that. It sucks keeping things to yourself.
 I very rarely let Lupus get me down this way. I have seen symptoms come back that have been in hiding for almost 8 years. It's kind of ironic that it is Lupus Awareness month and I am feeling very AWARE of its existence.  I've had numbness, tingling and weakness happening in my legs for the past 6 months or so. My headaches are occurring on a regular basis and migraines are becoming a weekly occurrence. The intense deep in my bone leg pain that I used to have is showing itself again too. I don't miss that symptom. Nothing worse than wanting to rip your legs off just to get a moment of no pain.  The fatigue is ridiculous. I never feel well rested or close to rested. I constantly feel like I have just ran 10 miles on 48 hours of no sleep.  My vertigo and ear ringing are back too. Got to love feeling like you are spinning in circles while trying to stand still.  The best lupus symptom is the brain fog and memory issues. It makes your daily life a true circus event.  I've let this disease destroy me this month.  I've let it destroy my positive attitude.  I think a lot of fear is what's next?  The Drs are going to want to order this test and that test to tell me that "yeah it's Lupus".  They will tell me I can take this medication for that symptom and this medication for this symptom.  I honestly don't want to hear it.  So I have to challenge myself and pick my ass back up and be a big girl. This is what life has dealt me and I can either continue to let it get me down or say fuck you Lupus.  I didn't type this out for sympathy or to sound pathetic I promise. I typed it out to vent mostly.  It's to let people know that a person can look healthy and happy and be seriously hurting like hell on the inside.
The point of this post is that I have set my alarm for 5 a.m. and I am getting up to walk/run in the morning. I've said it a million times on here and have not followed through. So tomorrow I am getting up no matter how shitty I feel or how shitty I slept and I am going out to spend some quality time with myself while burning calories.  I love how I feel after running and am unsure why I have had such a hiatus. It's easy for me to make excuses and not follow through. I've done that my whole life.
I am hoping that I find my way back to motivated me.  I have my water brewing in the refrigerator, my running clothes laid out, and my lunch pre-packed for work tomorrow.  Let's do this thing Autumn.