Tough.

This week has been incredibly trying for me.  Making the decision to wean off of some of my medications seemed like a logical decision.  I knew it was going to be a challenge but I honestly had no idea how much of a challenge it would truly be.  Mix in the pressure I've been under this week to get closer to the Dr's pre-surgery weight goal and it has been a recipe for disaster. Like train derailment tumbling down a cliff and disappearing into a black abyss disaster.
I finally broke down and took a ibuprofen and a pain pill today because I couldn't move without a ton of pain. I ended up sitting in the middle of the living room floor trying to clean and just sat and cried.  I tried the whole no medication thing and it just worsened my already worsening depression.  For now while I still can I'm taking my pills. I have too.  Nobody understands this kind of pain. It is pain from the skin to the bone.
I am so thankful for all of the support from certain people in regards to the surgery.  I don't need the negative opinions of some people.  I am aware that I may have this surgery and still have pain. I'm not stupid. I don't need people to tell me that.  I know losing weight isn't a cure for lupus or fibromyalgia. I can be 90 pounds and still want to crawl out of my skin due to pain. I want to at least give it a shot. I want to get healthier to try and help myself feel better.  It doesn't help to have nay sayers tell me that I'm probably going to still have pain.  I don't need any extra negativity. I am always filled with doubt so having extra questions about why I am doing something doesn't help.  I know this is a drastic life change, boy do I know it.  I need a drastic change.  I need to know I can have this done and succeed.
I go tomorrow and find out my surgery date. I am excitedly terrified.  The closer its getting the more nervous I'm getting.  It's only natural right???  This lack of life control is so scary.  I'm not a chance taker. I'm not spontaneous.  I need plans and control.  Ugh. What kind of life is that?!