Reality.

This picture has been my reality my entire teenage to adult life.  I have flipped through magazines wishing I could look like the women in them. I'd stare at them and then look at myself and dwell on how I would never be like them. I would never be as tall as the beautiful models. I would never have perky breasts like the models. I would never have a tiny little waist and small hips.  I can't tell you how often I have thought about lifting the fat from my body and just cutting it off.  Those are my brutally honest morbid thoughts.  I've stood in front of mirrors wondering why I looked the way I do.  Wondering why I had to be called "big bottom Autumn" in grade school.  Why was my weight so important to people in school?  Why was my weight so important to my mother?  Why was I not good enough for anybody???  Why was my weight so important to everyone?  All of that caused me to hate the way I looked very early in life.  It's extremely hard to not automatically feel like I am not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not skinny enough.  This picture makes my heart hurt.  It is sad that the models in magazines are how our girls feel like they need to look like to feel accepted.  I have made a conscious effort to tell my girls they are beautiful, gorgeous, and amazing.  I want them to know that regardless of the size of waist they have they are worthy of love. I never ever want them to think their weight makes them the person they are.  I want them to look in the mirror and see why they are beautiful.  I never want them to question if they are good enough. I want them to KNOW they are good enough.

 Jason and I went on our redo dinner date tonight thanks to the wonderful package I received yesterday.  I was able to get dressed and not stress about fitting into an outfit. I was able to smile instead of cry while I fixed my hair and makeup.

 I was able to focus on the fact that I was on a date with my wonderful husband. I was told by Noelle that I looked pretty and was told I looked beautiful by Jason.  I felt really good tonight.  Thank you to the one who sent me the package of confidence yesterday.