Panic at the disco.

I had my pre op class today.  I walked into the room not knowing what to expect and walked out of the room having heart palpitations and a full on panic attack.

The class went over the pre op diet and post op diet.  It also went over the hospital stay and what to expect.  I was told that after surgery I will have a 30 ml pouch.  I will have a "stomach" the size of a medicine cup!!  When sitting in the class I couldn't help but think about how my life is going to completely change.  The way I think about food is going to change.  The way I drink a bottle of water is going to change.  I have got A LOT of fear of the unknown.  I will now have to be diligent with taking vitamins (I am awful at taking those damn things).  My body and the way it absorbs nutrients is going to be completely changed.  Food is my go to!  I am truly scared of not having that crutch anymore.  I'm not sad about not being able to eat the junk. I know its what is best for me regardless.  I am just terrified of not having the food to fall back on. Does that make sense?? Does that sound pathetic??  I feel pathetic.  Really pathetic.  The closer I get to October the more unnerved I find myself.  By next week I will be starting my 2 week pre op liquid diet.  I will be drinking 5 shakes a day.  

I have to say that my 2 biggest fears right now is the surgery itself. Not ever having surgery I have no idea what to expect.  I don't know how my body will react to any of it.  I've never even had my wisdom teeth removed!  I'm scared to death of being put under anesthesia.  I know crazy reactions aren't common but there is that "what if" factor.  My biggest concern is pain control. I was told today that I will not be able to take NSAIDs anymore.  For me, a chronic pain patient not being able to take anti inflammatorys is terrifying!! The only way I get out of bed with lupus and fibro is by taking prescription strength Ibuprofen.  I don't want to think about the chaos that will go on in my body with no medication.  I know I'll get through it all but its still really scary.  I just keep thinking of the nay Sayers who think this is the easy way out. I'm learning quickly that this is most definitely not the easy way out.