Another day.

It's just another day of being a fat girl.
Jason and I planned to have a date today. A very much needed date.  With the date came finding something to wear. That would be easy if I weren't a fat girl.  I have always refused to buy anything bigger than a size 18 or a size XL.  I have ended up buying 2-3 XL shirts and that in and of itself was extremely difficult.  I also told myself I would never get over 200 pounds ( you all know how that went). I've slowly lived unhappily going up size by size. Usually it doesn't matter that I don't have anything bigger than a size 18. I wear scrubs during the week and on the weekends stretchy pants or pajamas.  Today was different. I had to wear something decent. I took on the daunting task of finding something, anything that I could fit into.  I walked into the closet and tried on multiple pairs of pants most of which I couldn't get up past my lower thighs.  I just stood in there crying. I finally found a pair of 18W ( makes me think of wide load) jeans that I was able to get over my fat ass.  I had an incredible muffin top and couldn't breathe but they would have to do.  A day that was supposed to be great (we get like 4 dates a year) turned into me being a fat crying mess.  I thought I had already felt as repulsive as humanly possible until today. Today was my all time low. Today I cried and wondered how I got here. Today my already depressed self fell even further into the pit of self hate.  My fear is that I will have this surgery and still see a fat girl.  I'm afraid I will never get self confidence or a positive self image.
 I feel like I am a horrible example for my girls.  My main reasons for getting this surgery are:
1. To feel better physically.  I walk around in pain on a daily basis. Since I've gained this weight I've been hurting a lot more.  I have terrible pain in my feet and knees.  Some of it is lupus and fibro but my weight contributes to a lot of the pain. I am carrying 130 pounds more than I should.  I am hoping with weight loss I can get back into running. The prospect of running again gets me so excited! I love being by myself running off steam. I haven't been able to do that in over a year. Just walking up stairs is hard on me. I sweat profusely and that is embarrassing. I know with weight loss I won't feel like a hot mess all the time.

2. To feel better mentally and emotionally.  I want to have a positive self image. I want to love myself. I really do. I want to look in the mirror and not want to throw a brick and shatter the glass.  I am my own worst enemy.  I yearn to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am so self conscious all the time. I feel like a fat ass ALL OF THE TIME.  I know that what's on the outside isn't supposed to be the most important but it will mean something to me.  It will be important to me.  I know that going to counseling is an important part of this journey as well.  I need the counseling. I need to figure out how to get all of the negativity out of my head.  I need to love me.

3. My girls. I want my girls to feel as beautiful as they are. I want to be a positive influence for them.  Right now I am setting an awful example.  Noelle hears me beat myself up. She knows I dislike who I am. I want more than anything for my girls to NEVER feel this way about themselves.  I see self image and esteem problems with Noelle already and I blame myself. I know that she has grown up hearing me bash myself.  It is imperative that I change the direction she is going.  I never want my girls to feel the way I feel about myself.  I can tell them all day long that they are beautiful but do they feel that way about themselves??  When I hear Noelle talk about her "ugly legs" I hear myself talking.  The self confidence, self esteem, and positive self image of my girls is my driving force.

4. I want to do something for MYSELF.  I have always done everything for everyone else and for once I am doing something for me.  I am being selfish for the first time in my life.

I want to get out of this depression.  I have been incredibly depressed. I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything.  I feel empty. I'm trying to doggy paddle from the deep end but I'm moving very slow. I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I am just walking through my days like a zombie.  So when I said I was a fat ass hot mess I wasn't kidding.