This year has been difficult. I joined MMC weight management and was able to lose 25 pounds in 3 months! I was so happy and proud of what I had accomplished. I was let go by the weight clinic the 1st of April and I went crazy with the food. I went from eating 900 calories to who the hell knows how many! The month of April was the start of our difficult year. Jason went in for a routine knee surgery and came out being told he could not place any weight on the leg for 3 months. With that news came a lot of stress. I am a known stress/emotional eater. Jason was unable to work for 3 1/2 months. There was a lot of juggling and switching things up. I had to do a lot on my own because Jason was unable too. With all of that came a lot of financial difficulties and credit card use. I of course just ate my stress. Soon after Jason got back on his feet Anistyn broke her leg. With her broken leg came a lot of guilt. Being a parent brings daily guilt and second guessing. I was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease in the middle of the year. My back issues made it extremely difficult to exercise. I would try to walk on the treadmill and my back would burn and pain would run down my leg. It made daily life difficult and of course I ate my feelings. The second half of the year both girls were sick every other week it seems. If I'm followed on Facebook most know that my Lupus has been a bitch since the beginning of November. I've been very depressed and angry. I usually handle Lupus well. I am usually able to get up in the morning and just "handle" it. For the past 2 months though Lupus has controlled me. In the past 2 months I've had 2 ER visits and seen multiple doctors. The first visit was due to pleurisy. I had been having difficulty breathing for for several days prior but I just pretended it wasn't happening. Once I started having pain in the back and chest I knew it was time to get some steroids. Soon after I finished the medrol dose pack I began having pain in my left hand and difficulty gripping things. The pain quickly increased and I had trouble bending the fingers of my left hand. As a nurse I need my hands. As a mother I need my hands. I was given another medrol dose pack and about a week after I finished it I started having neurological symptoms. I was at work and started having difficulty concentrating, blurred vision, fullness in my head, difficulty talking, and running into things. I was sent to the ER. That ER visit turned into a hospital stay and high dose steroids were given. The steroids helped a ton but for the past 2 months now all I've wanted to do is eat! I already have a difficult time with overeating but taking steroids everyday has made it all so much worse. I've been back on my maintenance steroid dose for the past 3 days and this morning my hands hurt so bad I had difficulty pumping gas. So more than likely I will be having to increase my steroid dose again. I know this blog isn't about my Lupus but it has had a huge impact on my overeating and bingeing the past few months. I don't like myself and am disgusted at what I look like. I am at my heaviest weight ever. EVER! I know my weight doesn't define the person that I am but it means a lot to me. I am far from the young skinny girl that Jason fell in love with. Jason doesn't find obese people attractive. He finds them to be disgusting and grotesque. I want to be attractive. I want to feel attractive.
Over the past year I have bought over eaters anonymous books, listened in to a over eaters phone meeting, joined weight watchers, and joined hot yoga. I never read the over eaters books. I hung up on the phone meeting after 2 minutes. I stopped going to weight watchers after 1 month. I never even stepped foot into the hot yoga class. I am currently a joke. I'm a failure.
So that is where I am. I am going to try and write in here every couple of days as it helped me in the past. I am sure hoping this year I succeed in some way.
Until next time.....
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