2 month weigh in.

Well this weigh in did not go as expected. I haven't lost any weight the past two weeks and it sucks. I thought I had gotten back on track this week even exercising more but to no avail I gained. I weighed in at 178.2. Only a 2 ounce gain but it stabs the heart never the less.  I did lose another 1/2 an inch on my waist which was good news.  I needed some kind of good news. I am getting a bit frustrated with the restrictions. I've started eating oatmeal every morning because it quick,easy, and filling. The downside is that it has 40 carbs per serving. When you are restricted to 75-100 carbs the 40 is a lot.  They now want me to cut the oatmeal completely. Urgh. Last I knew oatmeal was great for you!! I'm also finding it difficult to curb my sweet tooth because I'm limited on the fruit I can eat. Fruit has a ton of carbs!! I'm wondering what the hell can I eat?  I've never been told to not eat fruit. So there is a lot of irritation going along with the lifestyle. I go tomorrow for my GET FIT second assessment. I had my body fat checked with calibers the first time so I'm hoping I will get some good results there.  I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for reading.

Two more victories.

Today it was suggested by my fabulous Dr that I pull out my goal pants and make them my motivation. She is brilliant!  I went in the closet when I got home and pulled them out. I thought for sure I would not be able to get them over my knees. To my surprise I pulled those size 10 capris over my knees up my thighs and over my butt!!!  I still have a ways to go because I couldn't button them but what a motivation boost!! I actually feel that by summer I will be able to fit in them comfortably and button them with no problem.

I have also noticed that when I wrap my towel around myself after the shower it goes all the way around me! I know that may seem silly but to me it brings much needed confidence!

I know this blog makes me sound horribly bipolar but I am not! Lol. This journey is just hardcore. Today I'm all for the challenge!

10 minute workouts.

I recently found an app on my kindle for free 10 minute workouts.  There is an individual app for legs, butt, arms, abs, cardio and an all over workout.  It has been great for me during the week when I don't have a lot of time.  It really works because my muscles are sore!!  Some of that probably (for sure) is due to me being horribly out of shape but none the less it is working!  So for you ladies who are struggling with finding the time to go to the gym this is perfect for you.  You can do it at home which doesn't take away time with your family.  Ive enjoyed focusing on one area of my body for 10 minutes and then another for 10 minutes.  The 20 minutes goes by so fast!! It has you do a different exercise every minute so the variety and change makes it interesting.  Hope you all will try it out!

Here we go again.

Sabotage: deliberate destruction/ to hinder.  That's a good word for what I keep doing to myself. I knowingly stress eat and binge eat. I have had this issue my entire life. I am well and full aware of when I am stress eating and yet I continue to do it. I think that makes me an idiot. This has felt like the longest craziest roller coaster of my life. It's only been 2 months and I have screwed up numerous times. I'm wondering if I will ever learn.  I was doing well today and then life happened. I got home to a cranky 2 year old which in turn made a cranky husband and made me want to turn around and go back to work. Sometimes it feels like I am suffocating. I really wanted to reach 20 pounds by my weigh in Friday but at this rate it most definitely will not be happening. I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day with a clean slate. Cheers to that.

Ridiculous cravings.

I woke up craving pancakes.  PANCAKES!  Why in the world can I not wake up craving high protein low calorie low carb options?!  LOL!  I know absolutely ridiculous to think that would really happen!  The cravings this past 2 weeks have been nuts!  One (well lots more than one) taste of sugar last weekend and that's all I want!  So for the folks who don't think that sugar is addicting or not bad for you listen up.  SUGAR IS THE DEVIL!    I want all things sugar and its driving me crazy.  Ive been pretty good since Monday and this weekend I haven't cheated much at all.  I really wanted the thin mints in the freezer last night but I stayed away.  I went to the gas station down the street and bought a Reese's peanut butter egg (MY FAVE) and it is still sitting on the banister.  Sadly it is all Ive thought about!  I did however make the conscious decision to wait to eat it today instead of 9:00 p.m. last night.  Thinking that way takes effort let me tell you!  I had to of lost like 50 calories just thinking that way!  Almost 2 months in and its getting harder.  I guess this is one of the downs.  I am ready for another up!  So friends who aren't dieting and can eat whatever you want PLEASE eat some cookies for me!  I will be eternally grateful!

7 week weigh in.

I weighed in today at 178 pounds. I gained .4 ounces today. I was told that the gain was water. My fat mass went down 1.2 pounds. So in retrospect it wasn't a terrible weigh in.

I started my day very angry after my weigh in.  I knew I didn't lose weight and I knew it was because I got stupid with my choices over the weekend.  I am always so hard on myself. I am constantly thinking "if I had or hadn't done this or that the result would have been better". So of course my thinking was if I hadn't of went crazy devouring everything I saw over the weekend I would have actually lost weight. I had several friends tell me that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to take a small step back. Those kind words helped a lot. I was still growling about the .4 when I got home this evening. I saw the quote above while scrolling through Facebook and it changed my perspective.  Sometimes this journey seems unattainable and so out of reach but I am proud of the progress so far. I have lost 16 pounds in less than 2 months!  So despite my mistakes this past weekend I am happy. I know that I have done well this week and am ready to continue the journey. I would love nothing more than to reach 20 pounds in 8 weeks!!

Disappointment.

This has been a very hard week for me.  I lost my focus last Friday and have had a horrible time getting it back.  I feel so incredibly disappointed in myself.  I was doing so good thinking I had this all in the bag and I was sorely mistaken.  What a slap in the face this week as been.  I know it may seem silly to some but I am really terrified of tomorrows weigh in.  I am embarrassed of all of the mistakes Ive made this week.  Every cheat I have written down is a reminder of the way I let myself go.  It is really crazy how fast a frame of mind can be turned upside down.  Ive gotten back on track for the most part but there have still been those moments of weakness.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I seem to always destroy my progress.  I swear I am my own worst enemy.  I started getting compliments and people started noticing the changes and automatically I let myself go to shit.  Trying to rewire my brain again and get with it.  I am hoping I haven't gained to much.  I really don't want to take steps backward.  Ugh.  This is most definitely a real life weight struggle. 
Thank you to the friends who continue to read this blog and root for me. 

Jumping back on.

This has been a rough weekend. I have gotten way off track and am so angry with myself.  There is a reason that I don't have cheat days. I end up sabotaging myself.   I am trying to convince myself that it will end up being okay but all I can think about is the lack of progress I have made these past 2 days. I can't believe I was on such a weight loss high just 2 days ago.


The above was written this morning when I woke up feeling defeated.  It was also written after I ate a m&m cookie for breakfast and was feeling pretty shitty about myself.


 I am now doing great!  I talked myself out of my funk and jumped back on the right track.  The weather is beautiful and that helped with the slump.  I had to begrudgingly talk myself into putting my running shoes on to attempt to run for the first time in almost 3 months.  Once I got outside and took that first stride I felt AH-MAZING!  I instantly became relaxed and felt like I could run/walk forever.  I am looking forward to more beautiful days so I can get out there and run some more!  I am beyond excited for spring to get here as I so enjoy being outside.  I love sitting outside watching the kids play and going on family walks. 


I am still stressing about my upcoming weigh in but I feel better for having the motivation to get back up and keep moving.

Cheat Day.

I had my first official cheat DAY in 6 weeks.  I didn't eat very healthy but I am okay with it.  I've ate something unhealthy here and there but nothing extreme like yesterday.  I honestly felt like I deserved to take it easy and indulge a little bit.  I was terrified before to sway to much because I thought I would completely lose control and end up going back to the old me.  I can tell that my mind set has changed though and that feels good.  I didn't journal my calories yesterday.  I had a running count in my head but I knew if I started writing them down I would panic.  The idea of seeing all the calories tracked on paper makes me stress just a little bit.  Okay it makes me stress a lot!  I don't know if that's a good sign or a OCD sign?  Either way it keeps me in line most of the time.  I started my day with a hot pink rice krispie treat.  The ONLY reason they were in my house was because we made them for Anistyn's Valentines Day party at daycare.  That was my breakfast. Healthy? No not at all.  Yummy?  Absolutely.  We decided to have lunch delivered at work and in hind site I should have just ate the lunch I packed but I wanted a break.  I looked at the nutrition menus of 3-4 different places and honestly they were all not very good.  The girls at work decided to order Jimmy Johns (sandwich shop).  My first time eating lunch with the ladies since I started my journey (well besides eating what I would bring in my lunch).  I ordered a turkey lettuce wrap and a pickle.  I skipped the chips and asked for no mayo.  I thought that was a good decision.  Again in hind site I should have ordered no cheese and no avocado spread but then would that really be worth ordering?  It was good but definitely not fabulous and I wouldn't order it again.  After eating it I looked up the nutrition.  That lettuce wrap was 540 calories!!  That is over half of my allotted caloric intake.  Now minus the mayo is was probably under 500 but still it was ridiculous.  It amazes me how many calories are in the food we eat.  It is no wonder we are an obese country.  Most fast food meals have 1000+ calories in them.  For a normal person on a 1200 calorie diet 1 meal will destroy their day!  I skipped my snacks yesterday (another not so smart decision) to allow me the calories for the rest of the day.  There was a Valentines Day party at work and they had candy and cookies.  I made a conscious decision that I didn't want to waste my calories on that.  I settled for a small glass of diet coke.  Once home however the remnants of the rice krispie treats were still there and I couldn't resist them!  I ate more than I should and ended up throwing them in the trash so I would stay out of them.  That's why we don't buy things like that for our house.  If it is never bought or made you cant make a poor decision and ruin your day.  Since it was Valentines Day we made reservations to take the girls to Chick-fil-A as they had a special evening planned for RSVPers (I know that's not a word.  Anyone that knows me will attest that I make up my own words often).  Of course there were better for you meals but I chose the classic chicken and waffle fries.  I tried hard not to feel guilty and just enjoy this day of not logging calories.  I didn't eat all of my bread and I left over half of my fries.  They did have a chocolate fountain with strawberries, marshmallows and pretzels so I had to check that out.  I chose strawberries (they ARE healthier right?) and skipped the marshmallows (I do believe I had enough with the 500 rice krispie treats I ate).   I started to feel guilty and my mind was going a million miles an hour.  I was worried that Jason was thinking I was a glutton and destroying my progress.  Rationally though I know he wasn't paying any attention and is proud of what I have accomplished.  I cant believe how much guilt comes with a cheat day!  All in all it was a very nice relaxing dinner with my girls and guy!  On the way home I really wanted a blizzard from DQ but didn't say anything.  I knew that I really didn't need it and neither did my kids.  They have had their fill of chocolate the past 3 days.  I'm surprised Anistyn hasn't broke out onto Noelle's balcony and ran across the roof as much sugar as she has had!  I got home and the poor decisions continued.  I wasn't even hungry and I ate way to many damn Samoa girl scout cookies.  I ended up throwing the rest away.  Some may say it was a waste but for my own good I had to not have access to them.  So that was my day.  Phew!  What a roller coaster.  I don't know my final calorie count but I know it was ridiculously high.  I am already terrified that I have destroyed my weigh in for this coming week.  Some day I hope to not feel guilty about everything in my life.  Tonight Jason and I are going out for OUR Valentines Day date kid less.  I will have to make MORE decisions but I know today they will be the right ones.  Thanks to the Dr I work for I have strawberries and a CALORIE free chocolate and marshmallow sauce to indulge in tonight!
Thank you to everyone who commented on the pictures I posted last night on facebook.  It was overwhelming to have so many friends comment on how they can tell I have lost weight in my face.  Its exciting to have other people notice the changes occurring!  I told you all I had a double chin before!  It was enjoyable telling it goodbye! 

6 week weigh in.

I am so proud of myself today! Facebook friends have already heard my news so I'm not sure how many people will actually read this tonight. I am so happy to share my news again! I went in to my weigh in with two goals. I wanted to have lost 15 pounds and I wanted to be in the 170's. I kicked both of my goals in the ass! I weighed in at 177.6 and I have lost a total of 16.4 pounds!!! It feels amazing to see the numbers go down and to see the physical changes occurring. I have learned how to eat healthy and control my urges. Learning how to eat healthy is hard. I feel like I have made huge strides to become a new person. What a wonderful day!!!!

Goal time.

I have two very big goals I am striving for this week! I am wanting to be in the 170's and wanting to have lost 15 pounds in total! Who thinks I can do it?! I figure if I put my goals out there for you all to read I will HAVE to make them!
 I am still doing great with my diet!  I have all of that down pat.  I am having difficulty with exercising.  I never thought it would be that way.  I have never been able to stick with good nutrition.  Now of course I sway.  I just don't sway to far in the wrong direction.  I indulge but still stay within my caloric restraint most of the time. 

Right now I am having a difficult time with fatigue, lack of energy, and generalized weakness.  That is all thanks to the big douche Lupus.  I am struggling to make it up the stairs without getting winded and weak. I find myself out of breath just walking across the living room.   I have times like these and know that it will pass but it doesn't get any less frustrating.  I haven't let Lupus get the best of me in many many years and don't plan on doing it now.  I am just doing what I can when I can.  If diet is all Ive got right now I will work with it.  I tried to walk on the treadmill last night and only made it 20 minutes before half of my right foot/toes down to my arch were numb and two toes on the left foot were heading that way.  Did it make me angry?  hell yes.  Today however is a new day and I'm pressing forward.  For those of you who don't know anything about Lupus should read and educate yourself.  Usually nobody knows I am hurting (except my hubby of course and I even try to hide it from him) or having any issues.  I have learned to take everything in life lightly and press on.  Dwelling on the fact that I hurt everyday isn't going to make me or the day any better. 
As for the girl scout cookies sitting on the counter they aren't going to win either!

Small victories.

It's the small things that matter the most right?!
I am now able to wear my coat zipped up and over my butt/hips with no struggle!

Month 2. Weigh in 1.

I went to my weigh in today with no confidence what so ever and came out having lost 1.2 pounds!!! I know not a huge weight loss but definitely better than what I expected. I am at a total of 12.4 pounds lost since 01/03/2014! Wow!!! I am so incredibly proud of myself. I have never been one to lose weight easy or stick to a plan for so long. I am ready to become a new person and I am well on my way to finding her!
Tonight we celebrated Anistyn's 2nd Birthday. That of course meant cake, ice cream, and pizza! I decided to take a small hiatus and indulge a little bit. I didn't go crazy but I did eat all of the junk. My stomach is making me pay for eating all the sugar. I have had stomach cramps since partaking in the unhealthy food. Makes me reconsider eating like that again for sure.  Was it worth it? Nope.
I am going to try very hard to get to the 170's at my next weigh in! For the first time in my life I have confidence that I will.

Not ready.

Tomorrow I have my weigh in and I am fairly certain I have gained weight.  I haven't exercised but one time since my last weigh in.  I have had terrible fatigue, lupus pain, and no motivation.  It is also that wonderful time of the month where cravings are at an all time high.  My appetite is ridiculous and I am bloated.  All of this combined with an upcoming weigh in makes for a disaster.  I do believe I have reason to have low to no confidence.  The up side is that I still stuck to my 900 calories.  90% or so is diet right? 

Wowzah.

Jason and I went on a date yesterday and I went rummaging through my closet trying to find something to wear. After trying on multiple shirts that fit just 4 weeks ago now hang off of me and look ridiculous! I also pulled a pair of size 12 skinny leggings that I hadn't wore in quite sometime because quite frankly my ass was to big and my muffin top was disgusting. These pants went right on!!! I didn't have to lie on the bed to zip them up or anything! How wonderful it is to see my body change. It's becoming more apparent and I love it!!!
Thank you to everyone rooting me on and reading my blog! My last blog post was read by over 100 people! I hope you all are finding motivation and seeking a healthier lifestyle from reading this! I get my motivation from all of you! I can't wait for the months to come. In 1 month I've lost 11 pounds, dropped 2 pant sizes, and said goodbye to 6.5 inches! I never thought it was possible!!
Enjoy your super bowl parties and eat in moderation! You can still make healthy choices. It's all about willpower.