1 month post op.

I am now 1 month post op.  I am weighing in at 204 pounds. I'm so close to the 100's!  I have now lost 34.6 pounds and I feel great!!  I'm amazed at the difference in the way I feel compared to last week.  I have been able to eat more this week with very little pain! I got to experience the "foamies" and vomiting Monday due to reheated eggs. I definitely won't be doing that again. It was a horrible feeling.  I also bought very low sugar (3 grams) and low carbohydrate ice cream that I have tried to eat twice now and both times it made me feel like shit.  So that was a disappointing reality.  Oh well Ive realized its just my body letting me know that I don't need it.  I did wake up this morning after having a dream that my Dad bought donuts and I ate one and it didn't hurt me at all. Imagine the let down when I realized it was all a dream.  My subconscious obviously wants some sugary carbohydrates.  

 I am to the point in my journey that other people are noticing the changes.  It's always been hard for me to take compliments. Most often I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  It's that whole negative self image and confidence.  I am ready to release that and feel good about myself.
I hope everyone has a great Halloween. It's been hard not digging through my daughters sack of candy. Really hard.  It's the smallest changes that are the hardest.

Normalcy.

I was actually able to sit down with my family last night and eat a meal with them! I made crockpot chicken tacos and I was able to eat the chicken with some black beans and salsa!! It was nice to actually be able to eat a normal meal.  I am so happy to be getting better!
Oh and I am 34 pounds down!!

Looking up.

Oh what a difference a day makes.  Today I have been able to eat scrambled eggs, potatoe soup and pumpkin pie yogurt with no dumping or abdominal pain!!! That is ahmazing!! I have felt pretty great all day! I've sipped on Gatorade zero and water.  I'm trying my hardest to keep myself healthy.  I felt well enough to take Ani to a Fall Hoedown hosted by a local church.  I of course got tired but it was amazing to spend time with my kiddo and see her smile.  I'm a Mom first and foremost.  I had this done to be a better mother.  A fun mother.  A healthy mother. We got home and carved pumpkins and we are roasting pumpkin seeds! It's been a fantabulous day.

Another day in the life.

What a whirlwind of a week this has been
 It definitely did not go as planned. My intentions were to go back to work Monday and be a bad ass.  I thought I felt well enough to go back in full force. This surgery quickly said "No".  I blogged about the week on Thursday. I woke up feeling horrible and was given a IV at work to get me through the day. The IV helped but not for long.  I can only imagine how dry my insides were. I imagine it soaked up that bag in a hurry and then laughed.  Laughed really loud.  Friday morning I woke up and knew that I did not have the energy to work.  I was seriously concerned I would pass out.  So I placed a call to Dr. Westmoreland (surgeon) and gave them a run down of my symptoms.  The nurse called back and said she wasn't concerned about a pulmonary embolism but was concerned about pneumonia and to get in with my primary Dr.  So I went in and saw the NP and she ordered a chest X-ray that came back clear (phew). She gave me a bag of fluids and drew some blood along with checking me for the flu.  The NP told me " You look like crap on a cracker" and that was pretty accurate to how I felt.  After the liter of fluid I still wasn't feeling good and my blood pressure would drop and my face would turn ghost white when I sat up.  She decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital for at least a 24 hour observation for fluids.  So Jason and I headed over to the hospital. Once there I had two nurses trying to start an IV and destroying my arms.

Every time they would stick a vein it would go flat and blow because of the dehydration.  I felt like a human pin cushion. Between the IV Thursday, Friday and the 4 lab draws so far I look like a hot mess.  I am feeling much better though.  I haven't been able to eat a whole lot but the fluids from the IV have perked me up.  Everything I eat tastes bad. I feel like this surgery has completely changed my taste buds.  I'm on prophylactic heparin ( blood thinner) every 8 hours to ensure no blood clots. I will be seeing a nutritionist today to go over some things which I think will help me a lot.
I don't want to deter anyone from this surgery by being open and honest.  We all have a strength in us to handle anything.  I am reminded of why I did this surgery when I look in the mirror and remember how much I hated myself.  I was 206.3 at the Dr's office yesterday.  I am down 32 pounds.  That's just insane to me.  I may be having a rough time right now but it will get better.  This will all be in the distant past soon enough.

New milestone.

Today I got on the scale and weighed 208.6. That means I have lost 30 pounds now!! That is the amount of cheese an average person eats in a year. As much as I wanted to jump up and down I couldn't because I was so damn weak. Everyday is getting a little bit harder.  Today I couldn't lift my arms to get Ani dressed.  I was short of breath and breathing heavily just trying to walk across the floor.  I was extremely tired. I was dizzy and lightheaded but I came to work because I cannot afford not to. I planned on going to the ER after work to get some fluids but it was offered to get a bag done at work and I said "lets do this". The bag of fluids helped with the difficulty breathing but I am still weak and shakey. I still feel like I could fall out on the floor at any moment. I just keep telling myself this has to get better.  I have to be able to eat and drink more soon. Right?? It has to happen?? Soon??

Adjusting.

My days of laying on the couch and taking it easy came to an end on Monday.  It's been a really big adjustment.
Monday I had a lot of abdominal tenderness by the end of the day and of course I had that whole dumping incident (ewww again). By the early afternoon I was pretty tired but was able to come home and rest.  I've had a nasty cough that is causing an increase in belly pain too.  A cough after surgery SUCKS. It sucks bad.
Tuesday I was able to eat some apple/blueberry baby food for breakfast. Yes I said baby food.  Its been quite the experience taste testing baby food. A lot of them are so incredibly nasty.  For lunch I ate half of a peach Oikos triple zero yogurt and some unsweet tea.  Its been hard being back to work and around all of the junk food.  There was a drug rep lunch with Mexican food!! Mexican. My favorite.  It's been a real mental challenge because I have head hunger.

 I'm not physically hungry but the smells and sights of food are wonderful!! I am reminded of why I had the surgery. I needed the tool to help myself.  The rest of the afternoon I had a lot of abdominal cramping and was in and out of the bathroom. I don't know why I've had so much trouble with gas and pain. I can only figure it's because I am up moving and its shaking things up.  Apparently my stomach was unimpressed with the non-sweet tea I tried.  I found that my fatigue and weakness was worse and I had difficulty holding ladies arms up to check blood pressure.  I didn't realize I was so weak.  I got home and made some scrambled eggs and had a pretty uneventful evening. My stomach seemed to settle which was a relief.
Today started off okay. I felt pretty good this morning.  I didn't have any patients and was able to catch up on my tasks and paperwork. Lunch came around and I had cottage cheese. Apparently my stomach wasn't happy with that and I ended up in and out of the bathroom again.  I got home and tried to eat soup and I automatically became nauseous and had to lay down.  To put it bluntly I felt like ass.  Ive been short of breath and weak.  I believe I'm expending way more energy and not enough calories. It's so hard to get the calories and liquids in when your stomach hurts all of the time.
It's been 3 days of wishing I was "normal" if only for a day.  I want one day of having energy. One day of being able to drink and eat without a stomachache.  Even with all this happening I am still very happy with my decision to have the surgery.  I've been told several times by co-workers that they don't know how I have done this and they give me props.  This surgery is no joke. It's not easy.  You have to be mentally strong to handle it all.

Dumping.

Dumping syndrome is exactly what you would think it is.  It's not fun at all. I got to have my first experience with it today and of course I was at work. Convenient huh???!!  I happened to drink 3 sips of fairlife chocolate milk.  I thought it was a good option as it is lower in sugar and carbohydrates.  I was apparently very wrong.  About 30 minutes after my 3rd sip I got severe abdominal pain, sweating, nausea and diarrhea.  Gross topic I know, but it is something I wanted to share so you can get the full experience of this surgery.  I've said before that everything has to be thought about before you eat or drink.  So today I have eaten about 5 cubes of jello.  This pouch has a mind of its own.  Work went well otherwise. I am tired as expected and some left abdominal tenderness.  This isn't easy. Not easy at all.

Realization.

This is my life.  This is how things are going to be for quite some time. For the past 2 days I have just wanted to be a normal person.  I've wanted to be able to sit down and eat a normal meal.  I knew before this surgery that I was going to have food grieving days.  I'm a food addict so it was inevitable.  It didn't help that I woke up this morning and had gained a pound.  I know weight gain will happen but it honestly scared the shit out of me this early in the game.  Hell I'm 2 weeks out from surgery and I have a pound weight gain???  I was able to eat a little more than I have been yesterday which I appreciated then but today I am regretting. It makes you scared to eat. In the crazy fat girl part of my brain its terrifying.
On a positive note (I like to throw those in) I took 2 week progress pictures and I am amazed. I can really tell the difference and it feels good! So that 1 pound essentially means nothing when I see the progress :)

2 weeks post op.

I made it to 2 week post op status.  Today has not been a good day so far.  I have been nauseous all morning. It feels like when I was preggo and had all day sickness.  I woke up and took a drink of water and my stomach cramped.  I decided to make oatmeal and after getting it all done I smelled it and threw it away.  I decided to eat some apple/blueberry baby food and did okay I thought. About 5 minutes later I was so nauseous I had to take some Reglan.  So it seems dehydration is inevitable today unfortunately.  To all of you who have had WLS is this normal???? Normal to have a day of being able to eat pretty good and the next day unable to eat or drink?

Puree stage. Day 13.

I decided to venture into the puree stage today.  Tonight I am regretting that venture.  I did decide to try a day early and maybe that is the issue. I have not had much luck with the liquid diet. Every thing I tried to eat prior has not tasted right or was unappetizing. I would get everything prepared and sit down to eat it and change my mind.  So today I pureed tuna, sweet pickles, and Greek yogurt.  It tasted so good but caused a lot of stomach gas.  I am hoping it's because I am introducing new foods into my new stomach and not an indicator of how it will always be!! I ate some blueberry/apple babyfood that went down good with no trouble.  Tonight for dinner I decided to try refried beans with Greek yogurt.  Of course it tasted amazing but I have been miserable ever since.  The gas is awful!! I have taken 5 gas strips between this afternoon and evening.  I think I'll take it easy on the food tomorrow because good grief! I feel like an old man who can't hold in the gas.  Lord I hope my husband chooses to not read this post. Lol.
On another note my incision scars are itching like a mother!  I've tried to lotion up my stomach with very little relief. I just want to scratch the heck out of these suckers! Gah!!
I went to the park to walk today with Danielle to get in some exercise and although it wasn't for very long but it felt good!

Post op appointment.

I had my post op appointment with Dr Westmoreland today.  He was very happy to see that I have lost 15 pounds since my pre op appointment. I have lost a total of 25 pounds since September.  It was decided that I wait to go back to work until Monday. That gives my body more time to heal and more time for me to start eating and drinking more to get my strength back.  I feel really good.
I still can't believe I had gastric bypass. Sometimes I think maybe I did take the easy way out.  Then I look back at my life and this journey and realize that this is far from easy.  Every decision I make now is a very conscious one.  I am very aware of every single thing I consume.  I have to make sure I am not gulping my fluids because it will cause gas and vomiting.  I have to make sure I only eat a few tablespoons of something and chew the heck out of it before I swallow.  I don't get to go out and grab a cheeseburger from Burger King if I want too.  Every decision has a consequence whether it be good or bad.  I have had to be very mentally prepared for this change.  I still desire the thought, the idea of food.  I still smell something (like popcorn) and think I would love to swim in a pool of that! The thought of actually eating it turns my stomach.  Everyday is a new day with new obstacles.  Some days I wake up and I can drink water no problem and then other days water gives me stomach cramps. I just never know. It's a toss up.  I still have a lot of mental work to do because I have nagging thoughts that I know will ruin me.  I think about how great I am doing now but if I start to get an appetite I am going to gain weight.  In the intelligent part of my brain I know eating is important. I know I need protein. In the "fat girl" part of my brain I am still pretty pessimistic unfortunately.  I know continued therepy will help with that.  I am relieved that I am at least present in my thinking process.  It could be worse.
I am most amazed at the confidence boosting the bypass and weight loss has provided.  I haven't had a lick of confidence for so long that it's nice to see the blooming of confidence each day.  I went last night and got a new hair do and color to go with the new me!  I'm getting there and very excited for my future.

Forget me not.

Today I forgot to eat! Me. I forgot to eat food.  I have never ever ever forgotten to eat a meal.  I'm not saying this is a good thing by any means. I know right now its imperative that I get my nutrients.  I honestly didn't have food cross my mind once.  I am happy that my every waking moment isn't spent thinking about what my next meal will be.

I have always felt pathetic that I think about food 24/7.  I was a good food junkie.  I WAS.  It's so amazing to know that food no longer consumes me.  I am also forgetting to drink which is not a good thing at all. This new life is hard to adjust to. Hard to find a balance.  I'm really never thirsty either so I keep a cup with me all the time but then get busy with something and forget about it.  I know right now I am not the poster child for a healthy post op bypass patient.  I am really trying to figure it all out and I know I will it will just take some time.  I haven't found any sort of routine yet.
I ran, ran, ran all weekend and am feeling the after effects.  Tomorrow I plan to lay on the couch and relax.  I'm having difficulty slowing down because I have energy I have never had before.  This is the kind of energy I have wanted for the past 15 years.

 Because of that I end up over exerting myself and suffer in the evenings.  I woke up this morning still having the nagging internal tenderness from being so active Friday and Saturday.  Instead of relaxing I ended up cooking for several hours.  So tonight as I lay in bed I am in a lot of pain.  I'm having pain with laughing or taking deep breaths.  So tomorrow I am being lazy.  I have too.  I have to get my body healed before I attempt to go back to work.  A busy day at work means I never stop moving and rarely sit down.  So this week I plan to do as little as possible to get myself where I need to be.
On a very positive note I have not had any lupus pain and very very little fibro pain. That is extremely exciting and such a relief.  This surgery has been a life changer.  I am so thankful I was strong enough to get through the process.

Because I'm happy.

I am at the point that I finally feel like this surgery has changed and is changing my life.  I am HAPPY. I am truly happy.  I see the happiness in my face.

I've been getting out and about a little bit more since I've been feeling better.  Last night I got to attend Anistyn's Fall Festival at her daycare. I did pretty good for about an hour and then the fatigue and stomach tenderness became apparent.  I slept well last night though! Today I woke up at 10:00! I felt well rested. I didn't have ANY pain through the night. I was able to roll from one side to the other without having to hold my belly.  So much easier to rest when you don't have to be on alert just to roll over.  I woke up this morning and got dressed to go spend some of the day with Danielle.  I caught Jason looking at me which made me smile.  I love making him do a double take!  Noelle walked in from a friends house and told me I looked pretty.  I felt pretty.  The confidence booster that this surgery has given is AMAZING!  I feel strong and empowered.  I never would of thought I could go through all of this and stay sane.  I was able to go out to lunch today and proudly order a cup of soup and eat just a bit of the broth.  Really weird leaving a bowl full of soup on the table.  I've always been someone who eats everything on my plate. I've never had trouble eating all of my dinner.  We store hopped for a few hours and I got to a point that I was beat.  The fatigue hit me and I knee and Danielle knew I was finished.  Despite being tired I can tell a huge difference in my energy levels.  The later into the day it got the more achy my belly started to feel. I could tell that I hadn't laid down one time today.  So now I am happily laying on the couch typing up my blog.
I'm still not eating a whole lot. I managed a few teaspoons of the soup broth, 2 tsp of a protein shake, a few jello cubes and 2 tsp of sugar free pudding.  I have been able to up my water intake by drinking room temperature water.
The best news of the day has been that as of today (day 8 post op) I am in the puree stage and I can eat eggs!!! I have craved eggs since my 2 week pre op liquid diet.  I am excited to be able to get some protein in my system. The more protein I can eat the better the weight loss!
This journey is amazing.  Everyday is getting better and better.  I feel mentally strong which is awesome. I'm happy.

1 week post op.

I am SO sorry for the blah post yesterday. I have heard everyone has their WTF did I do day and I guess mine was yesterday.  Not being able to eat or drink much without pain is rather exhausting. Takes a toll on your psyche.  Last night I ended up with a sharp burning pain in the upper left abdomen that had me concerned.  Every time I tried to stand up I hit the floor.  I called the on call surgeon and he was fairly certain it was 6 day post op pain. No fever or vomiting was a good indicator that all was well.  I had Jason take a late night Sonic run for a cup of ice and I was able to get about 1/2 a cup into me before bed.  I took a ativan last night before bed to help me relax.  I've been so anxious worrying that I am doing something wrong or going to mess up something inside that I needed to chill.  That allowed me to sleep until 9:00 a.m. and I woke up feeling so so so much better.
Today is a brand new day! I can't believe it's been a week already. The longest hardest week but a week nonetheless.  I decided to buy some baby food. That was weird. Who knew I would be buying baby food for my 34 year old self????  I bought a new cup that has a very small opening which will hopefully help with the intaking air problem. The best thing I've done so far that has become a very exciting thing is I've tried hot decaf tea. It goes down amazingly!!! No pain. No gas. No cramps. It's actually very soothing. Who knew???  I'm a drink everything on ice kind of person and hate room temperature or hot drinks (unless its a cappuccino, yummy!)but I went through Dunkin Donuts (to get the 3 yr old a chocolate frosted donut) and because I can't stand coffee I tried a hot tea. It's wonderful!!!!

I want to take the time to thank every single person who has brought meals, sent cards, came to the hospital, sent texts or called, has sent advice through Facebook, and has let me know you care. It means so much to have those of you in my life.

216 this morning! 22.6 pounds gone forever!

You think you know. (6 days post op)

You think you know but you don't know.  I thought I researched the hell out this surgery. I joined 15 Facebook groups to get as many questions that I had answered and even read answers to questions I had never thought of.  I've went to psych to figure out the mental part of the journey and support groups to build up the support system I need. I'd never had surgery so I didn't know what to expect with it. I was scared to death and I remember that being my only emotion. I couldn't see past the anesthesia.  I remember trying to talk when they put the mask up to my face and I couldn't. I wanted to tell them I wasn't ready. I just thought "holy hell what if I this is my last thought???!!!". Of course it wasn't and when I woke up on and off last Friday I thought " holy hell what did I do???!!!"  I'm on day 6 post op and overall I think I'm doing okay.  I expected to be able to drink something by now. Even water.  When I wake up in the morning I feel good despite the tenderness in my belly. As soon as I try and take a sip of a protein shake or just plain water my stomach cramps and fills with gas.  It's not the good kind of gas that you can relieve with a massive fart or burp. No, this kind of gas hurts like a mother.  This gas is why I'm on my 3rd box of Gas X!  I already don't feel hungry.  Not. Hungry. At. All.  Mix lack of appetite with cramping with water and you start to feel like shit. My current urine color is orange.  Like nasty burnt orange...rust of a car orange. It's not healthy looking.  I am trying to get what fluids I can in as much as possible.  I DONT want to be taking another trip to the hospital. Hells No We Won't Go!  All of that on top of having no idea when I will be taking a poo.  To say I'm a little anxious is the understatement of the century.  I ended up with a ton of questions I didn't think I would have like if I drink the 2 tablespoons of liquid I'm allowed when do I know its time to drink more? Does it need to go full circle?  I don't want to over fill the pouch and then vomit because that sounds way miserable.  Everyone has said that walking helps with the gas but when I walk it makes my gas worse.  Why do I need to be different in this instance??  I'm at that point of WTF did I do¿?¿?¿?  I'm happy to see the scale continue to go down. It is however so hard to see my family eat and talk about how good food is. I wouldn't expect them to spend the rest of their lives not peeping a word about a delicious roast.  It still doesn't make it any easier.  Its hard thinking i will need to go back to work soon.  Its hard to get excited about the future when the present sucks so bad right now! Just an off day.

First Milestone.

I weighed in this morning at 218.6!!!! I am officially down my first 20 pounds!!!!

Thank you for the support! I changed the blog name to symbolize a change in the way I see myself!

Day 5. Post op.

So about that feeling good yesterday....lol. I started feeling pretty crappy yesterday evening and its continued through the day today. My incision sites are tender especially the 2 on the left.  I am also having sharp pains near my belly button.

I guess it is the process of healing but damn.  I managed a couple sips of a protein shake and some water today. Every single time I drink something I end up with horrible gas. Not the "excuse me I need to let one rip" types of gas.  Its the pent up bloated "if someone poked me in the stomach I would deflate" kind.  I haven't went to the bathroom since the clean out Thursday/Friday.   I'm getting more and more anxious about that happening at any moment.  My belly is pretty large and in charge. I swear if you didn't know it you would think I was 6 months pregnant.

On a positive note everyday that I step on the scale I am seeing a new number. So thats exciting! I've lost 18 pounds since August 10th.

Post op Day 4.

I am amazed at how well I feel today!!! Everyday is getting a little easier to function.  I am able to stand up straight today with very little pain. I'm still taking the pain medication around the clock until I reach a week post op.  I was able to eat a small amount of sugar free vanilla pudding and drink about 1/4 cup of crystal light so far today. I'm really trying to pay close attention to how I am drinking so that I don't take in a lot of air.  It's really hard to drink when you are concentrating on how you're drinking.  Hmmm that didn't make a whole lot of sense but I know what I mean.  The strangest sensation so far is literally being able to feel liquid go down my esophagus and into my pouch and intestine. It's really freaking bizarre!  Its like a magic trick in the middle of my body! Lol. I have had some mild heartburn after I try to drink but I think that is due to air getting trapped.  Last night I was running a low grade temp but was told that is normal.  I started taking all of my vitamins yesterday. There are a ton of them now. I use a vitamin b-12 nasal spray, iron, calcium with d3 and a multivitamin. So everything is going by pretty uneventful so far!
Thank you to everyone checking in on me!

Surgery.

I have been bypassed and sent home.  I didn't sleep much the night before surgery. I kind of expected that though. I got up at 4 a.m. and took a shower as directed by the pre op nurse with the soap that smelled like alcohol!  We got to the hospital at 5:10 and was taken back at 5:30 for all of the pre op stuff.  Jason had to leave at this point to get Ani ready for school.

I sat in pre op for what felt like FOREVER!  It was actually for about 2 hours.  I got my surgical cap,  spoke to anesthesia, and then a dose of Versed.  Dr Westmoreland cane in and prayed over me and the surgery and we were off.

After I was wheeled back I remember them putting a mask on me and then I was out cold apparently.  The rest of Friday was a blur. I woke up on and off hurting a lot and was extremely nauseous. The girls came to see me at some point and I couldn't keep my eyes open to visit. Nikki came by and brought me some amazing flowers! Everyone that walked in the door commented on them and how wonderful they smelled.  I finally was coherent enough to communicate like normal around 9 or 10 p.m.  

I was up walking the halls at 2 a.m.  It was exhausting but felt good to get out of bed. I asked for my pain meds when they were due. I didn't want to hurt if I didn't have too.  I was discharged around 1 p.m. and went home.  Since being home I've slept a lot. The pain meds kick my ass. I haven't drank much at all. The gas pains are horrible. I am eating Gas X strips like candy.  I have had so many friends and some family check in to see how I'm doing and I am so thankful for you all! 

Twas the night.

        Twas the night before bypass surgery
                     and all thru the house,
                  not a piece of food eating
                        not even an ounce.
     The overnight bag was hung by the front                              door with care

In the hope that things go smoothly when I get there.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but a glass bottle of mag that will soon clear!

A little night of sleep so short and so quick. I knew in the a.m. I would be sick.

And more rapid than eagles to the hospital we came. And the nurses and Dr's continually ask me my name.

And so onto the table I nervously flew. With my heart racing I just knew I had too.

The surgeon spoke not a word but went straight to work. Moving the liver and intestines with a jerk.

And laying his tools aside as he finished. He pulled his mask down and said this woman's fat has diminished!

I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight. There will be a new woman in the mirror tonight!!!