Pre op.

Today I went to my pre op testing at the hospital.  I found out that as of today I am the first case on Friday.  I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.

I am now on my 10th day of liquids and I am so tired of protein shakes.  So so so tired of them. I was only able to drink 1 today.  I feel liked I've failed at this diet.  I've only lost 5 pounds.  Most people lose 15-20 pounds being on a 2 week liquid diet. I fear that if I am failing at this how am I going to do with the bypass?????? Down in the dumps and feeling frustrated this evening.

Day 8.

Today is Day 8 of the liquid diet! As of this morning I was 225.6. I have lost a total of 13 pounds in the past 6 weeks! I've lost almost 6 pounds since last Monday.  This morning I finished off my first big tub of protein!

 Everyday is getting a little easier.  Surgery is Friday and I am getting VERY nervous!!! I'm excited but so scared.....

Empowerment.

I am only at the beginning of my journey.  When I started this I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea if I would grow or change. I feared I would fail.  I had no idea what to expect and it was scary.
Starting the liquid diet this week was daunting.  At the first of the week I didn't think I would be able to do this.  Day 1 was a serious shock.  Now it's day 5 and I feel empowered.  I feel like I have control over my food addiction. I've realized that I can survive without binge eating. I have control over how I handle my anxiety and stress.  It feels amazing.  Today I feel empowered. I feel like I can conquer this addiction. Tomorrow may bring a new hurdle but I'm ready.  I'm ready for this surgery. I'm ready to become a healthy version of myself.

Day 4.

Im on DAY 4 of my liquid diet! I've got 7 more days until surgery!  Iv'e lost 3 pounds this week so far. I've lost 10 pounds since August 10th. I am still hungry and want a cheeseburger but I'm feeling great!

Liquids.

This has become my life.  I'm on day 3 of my preop liquid diet and it is so incredibly hard!  I have so far only been able to drink 2 protein shakes a day.  I am trying to get a 3rd one into my day but ugh!  The hunger pains are around all the time.  My stomach is making some ridiculous noises.   Today I have felt really weak, tired and had some blurred vision. I am drinking at least 100 oz of water a day and I feel like I have pee up to my eyeballs!!!  I bought some jello and some brothy soup to try and fill up some belly space.  I just keep hoping it gets easier.  As a food addict all I think about is food. All. The. Time.  The days seem to be creeping along and I am really nervous about the weekend.  I know I'm not doing everything right but I am trying the best that I can!

I GOT A DATE!!

I got my date!!!! I will be starting my new life on October 2nd!!! I have to say I am terrified but so excited!!!

I wanted to share this picture.  I sit and stare at it A LOT.  I think it is precious in the sense that my baby girl is napping with me.  These are the moments you treasure. This will happen less and less as the years go by.  When I look at this picture what I see is a fat mother.  I see the fat arm rolls. I see the double chin. I see the huge thigh. I see all of the negative in this picture and it makes me so sad.  I don't want Anistyn to look at this picture in the future and think of how fat I look.  I hope that this wasn't the last time she crawls on me and falls asleep.  I hope she crawls back on me in a few months and I can focus more on the preciousness of the picture and not the "elephant" in the room.

Time off.

I thought that Tuesday nights meal was my "last supper".  I was in the right mind set and ready to start my 2 week liquid diet. After the chaos of waiting for the surgery date call I got extremely frustrated and ate a lot of food I shouldn't have. I should have just stayed on track with my head where it needed to be.  With all the frustration mixed with my growing depression and medication changes I just screwed myself.
The good news is I have started a new medicine and so far it seems to be opening the clouds in my head a bit.  Depression is real and so serious.  I have never been suicidal so I don't worry about myself like I probably should.  I have however felt extremely sad, emotional, lonely, confused, and misunderstood to name a few.  I have really felt hopeless. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling out of control.  I am relieved to have a new medicine on board.  I was supposed to have a paych apt on Friday and he had to reschedule so that made a lot of the feelings worse.  This weight loss battle/journey has been hard and brought up a lot of feelings from my past and they leak into my present life and cause problems.  It's all a mental game.
So tomorrow I am going to wake up with a better attitude and a craving for protein shakes!! Onward I go!

Surgery date?

09/14/2015

I went and saw Dr Westmoreland today to see if I could get a surgery date.  I stepped on the scale and weighed 229. I saw 228.8 for a split second!  That put me at 9 pounds lost and the nurse told me that was plenty to qualify!  He walked in and told me that my weight loss was perfect and asked when I wanted to schedule.  I told him lets do this thing and he sent in his scheduler.  I was given the date of October 7th initially but I asked for an earlier date if at all possible.  I was then given the date of September 30th and subsequently told "oh no I made a mistake I thought you were getting the sleeve".  Because I am getting Gastric Bypass two surgeons are required to be in the operating room (why am I just now being told this?) She then told me that she will work on still getting me scheduled for the 30th or possible the 2nd and call me tomorrow.  A huge thanks to Danielle for being my support and going to my appointment with me!

09/15/2015

Well " today" is "tomorrow" and I am still without a surgery date.  I called Dr. Westmorelands office today at lunch and was told that it was not scheduled yet but I would get a call back later today.  5:10 p.m. came around and I called his office only to be told everyone was gone for the day.  Whomp whomp whomp. 

09/16/2015

Today is the day after tomorrow and I am still none the wiser. I did get a call telling me that it was being worked on and more than likely the 2nd was not going to work. At this point I just need a set and scheduled day so I can figure out when I will need off of work. Urgh I'm getting frustrated!

09/17/2015

I ended up calling Dr Westmorelands office today because I was growing more and more impatient by the second.  I was told that I could go ahead and schedule the surgery for OCTOBER 28!!!!!????? Or I could wait until she talks to him on MONDAY!? I have had so much anger brewing. When I started this process I asked the Dr specifically if I would be able to have surgery the week of fall break. I was told that would be no problem.  Now I'm being told Oct 28th when 3 days ago I was told October 7th at the latest but she was going to work on getting me scheduled for the last week of September.  I could just scream right now.

So about that Last Supper.....

The last supper.

Tonight I had my last (for a long while) big meal.  I've been able to enjoy food (to excess) the past 2 days.  Tonight I was treated to dinner by Danielle (someone I have been blessed with through this process) to celebrate my losing the weight to get my surgery scheduled.  Danielle has been through this ENTIRE process (2012) and has lost 145 pounds.  To anyone contemplating getting this surgery or any bariatric surgery make sure you have a support system.  Your support system is imperative to succeeding.  Being blessed with support who has been through the same process is even more amazing.  Deciding to go on this journey has been a HUGE (like my ass size huge) life changer.  At the end (or the beggining of this new life, however you want to think of it) I will be a different person both physically, mentally, and emotionally.  This process makes you feel very isolated at times.  Feeling isolated sucks.  I have contacted psych and I will be seeing him on Friday so we can figure out where my head is before the surgery and I have already scheduled 3 more sessions for after the surgery.  I know the mental aspect of all of this is a HUGE (like my thighs) component. But anyway enough about all that and onward to my "last" supper!!! I've had some cravings I needed to squelch in the past 2 days.  I wanted chocolate cake, Mexican, and a burger.  So Danielle recommended going to Longhorn because they have a MASSIVE ( like my breast bahaha) chocolate cake!!! That's all I had to hear to agree!  I enjoyed every single thing I ate ( except for the spicy chicken balls, they were hella hot) and left STUFFED ( like my belly in Spanx!).

My last diet coke/carbonated beverage. I plan to kick these out of my life for good! Carbonation can cause a lot of indigestion after surgery and stretch the pouch. I so enjoyed the hell out of this though!

Spicy chili (or something like that) chicken bites. Shoo they weren't joking. Good but I needed a fire extinguisher and Kleenex!

 If course had to have the "healthy" salad with lots of ranch!! I won't be able to eat a salad for 3-4 months and that is only if my pouch tolerated it after that long

 I forgot to take a "before" picture of the 6 oz steak and loaded baked potato. So good!

Last but not least the "Texas Stampede".  Heaven on a plate right there folks.

Yes this was a lot of food BUT for the first time in my life I didn't clean every plate.  I left something on each plate and I feel good about it.  That's a big deal to someone with a eating disorder of sorts.  Besides the annoying drunk lady who laughed loudly like a man sitting at the table beside us it was a great evening!!

Tough.

This week has been incredibly trying for me.  Making the decision to wean off of some of my medications seemed like a logical decision.  I knew it was going to be a challenge but I honestly had no idea how much of a challenge it would truly be.  Mix in the pressure I've been under this week to get closer to the Dr's pre-surgery weight goal and it has been a recipe for disaster. Like train derailment tumbling down a cliff and disappearing into a black abyss disaster.
I finally broke down and took a ibuprofen and a pain pill today because I couldn't move without a ton of pain. I ended up sitting in the middle of the living room floor trying to clean and just sat and cried.  I tried the whole no medication thing and it just worsened my already worsening depression.  For now while I still can I'm taking my pills. I have too.  Nobody understands this kind of pain. It is pain from the skin to the bone.
I am so thankful for all of the support from certain people in regards to the surgery.  I don't need the negative opinions of some people.  I am aware that I may have this surgery and still have pain. I'm not stupid. I don't need people to tell me that.  I know losing weight isn't a cure for lupus or fibromyalgia. I can be 90 pounds and still want to crawl out of my skin due to pain. I want to at least give it a shot. I want to get healthier to try and help myself feel better.  It doesn't help to have nay sayers tell me that I'm probably going to still have pain.  I don't need any extra negativity. I am always filled with doubt so having extra questions about why I am doing something doesn't help.  I know this is a drastic life change, boy do I know it.  I need a drastic change.  I need to know I can have this done and succeed.
I go tomorrow and find out my surgery date. I am excitedly terrified.  The closer its getting the more nervous I'm getting.  It's only natural right???  This lack of life control is so scary.  I'm not a chance taker. I'm not spontaneous.  I need plans and control.  Ugh. What kind of life is that?!

Inspiration.

I was fortunate to have this video posted to my Facebook Wall today. It is truly an amazing and inspirational video to watch.  I wanted to share and hope you all are touched the same way I was.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3228045/Mother-three-strips-bikini-middle-busy-marketplace-invites-strangers-draw-hearts-body-effort-promote-self-love.html

Weaning.

After talking to my PCP I have decided to go ahead and start weaning off of some of my medications.  I don't want my body to go into complete shock after surgery when I won't be able to take them anymore.  This is probably going to be the hardest step in this process for me.  I have pain everyday even with my medications so not taking ANY pain medication is scary.  

I am dropping the NSAID's completely. I will no longer be taking my Ibuprofen first thing in the morning.  I'm scared. The morning is the hardest time of the day for me.  Every muscle and joint in my body hurts just trying to get out of bed.  If I can't have the anti inflammatorys after surgery I my as well get use to it now.  I am also on Cymbalta to help with the pain and also depression/anxiety.  I have decided to stay on this medication. I have tried to go off this medicine in the past and I end up with severe withdrawals.  My pain always get 10x's worse.  I end up with terrible migraines and generalized flu like symptoms. Cymbalta is capsule form so if anything I can open it up and put it on applesauce or something.  I've decided to go ahead and eliminate my Wellbutrin.  With chronic pain comes anxiety and depression. As worried as I am about leaving one antidepressant out of my daily regime I am more worried about having surgery and then trying to go through a withdrawal.  My only concern is that I also take the Wellbutrin for PMDD.  I am worried that the PMDD will go haywire.  I'm also going to eliminate the gabapentin that I take at night for my degenerative disk disease.  I am so hoping that after surgery and weight loss the DDD will improve and won't affect the nerves in my back and legs anymore. 

 That's the start of my weaning!!! Pray for me!! This is a super scary step! I am hoping my body doesn't freak out with the eliminating of medicines.

I know this isn't my most interesting post ever but its on my mind and I want to share my entire process!

Panic at the disco.

I had my pre op class today.  I walked into the room not knowing what to expect and walked out of the room having heart palpitations and a full on panic attack.

The class went over the pre op diet and post op diet.  It also went over the hospital stay and what to expect.  I was told that after surgery I will have a 30 ml pouch.  I will have a "stomach" the size of a medicine cup!!  When sitting in the class I couldn't help but think about how my life is going to completely change.  The way I think about food is going to change.  The way I drink a bottle of water is going to change.  I have got A LOT of fear of the unknown.  I will now have to be diligent with taking vitamins (I am awful at taking those damn things).  My body and the way it absorbs nutrients is going to be completely changed.  Food is my go to!  I am truly scared of not having that crutch anymore.  I'm not sad about not being able to eat the junk. I know its what is best for me regardless.  I am just terrified of not having the food to fall back on. Does that make sense?? Does that sound pathetic??  I feel pathetic.  Really pathetic.  The closer I get to October the more unnerved I find myself.  By next week I will be starting my 2 week pre op liquid diet.  I will be drinking 5 shakes a day.  

I have to say that my 2 biggest fears right now is the surgery itself. Not ever having surgery I have no idea what to expect.  I don't know how my body will react to any of it.  I've never even had my wisdom teeth removed!  I'm scared to death of being put under anesthesia.  I know crazy reactions aren't common but there is that "what if" factor.  My biggest concern is pain control. I was told today that I will not be able to take NSAIDs anymore.  For me, a chronic pain patient not being able to take anti inflammatorys is terrifying!! The only way I get out of bed with lupus and fibro is by taking prescription strength Ibuprofen.  I don't want to think about the chaos that will go on in my body with no medication.  I know I'll get through it all but its still really scary.  I just keep thinking of the nay Sayers who think this is the easy way out. I'm learning quickly that this is most definitely not the easy way out.

Reality.

This picture has been my reality my entire teenage to adult life.  I have flipped through magazines wishing I could look like the women in them. I'd stare at them and then look at myself and dwell on how I would never be like them. I would never be as tall as the beautiful models. I would never have perky breasts like the models. I would never have a tiny little waist and small hips.  I can't tell you how often I have thought about lifting the fat from my body and just cutting it off.  Those are my brutally honest morbid thoughts.  I've stood in front of mirrors wondering why I looked the way I do.  Wondering why I had to be called "big bottom Autumn" in grade school.  Why was my weight so important to people in school?  Why was my weight so important to my mother?  Why was I not good enough for anybody???  Why was my weight so important to everyone?  All of that caused me to hate the way I looked very early in life.  It's extremely hard to not automatically feel like I am not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not skinny enough.  This picture makes my heart hurt.  It is sad that the models in magazines are how our girls feel like they need to look like to feel accepted.  I have made a conscious effort to tell my girls they are beautiful, gorgeous, and amazing.  I want them to know that regardless of the size of waist they have they are worthy of love. I never ever want them to think their weight makes them the person they are.  I want them to look in the mirror and see why they are beautiful.  I never want them to question if they are good enough. I want them to KNOW they are good enough.

 Jason and I went on our redo dinner date tonight thanks to the wonderful package I received yesterday.  I was able to get dressed and not stress about fitting into an outfit. I was able to smile instead of cry while I fixed my hair and makeup.

 I was able to focus on the fact that I was on a date with my wonderful husband. I was told by Noelle that I looked pretty and was told I looked beautiful by Jason.  I felt really good tonight.  Thank you to the one who sent me the package of confidence yesterday.

Surprises around every corner.

Today I received a surprise package in the mail! It made me feel beyond special and very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.  I received a pair of jeans with the tag cut out of them (so I wouldn't know the size) and two new shirts. There was a card included that read "Here is a start to the new you. A do-over of your date night. Enjoy and relax. All sizes are (B) for beautiful. Just dress up and have fun".  It also had a $50 gift card to Olive Garden!  Jason and I plan on re-doing our date tomorrow. I am so thankful to have such amazing people in my life.  I've really had a hard hard summer. I have felt so shitty about myself and it has caused terrible depression.  It feels so wonderful to know I have so many people in my corner.  It feels wonderful to know that the words I type are read and understood by someone.  It's wonderful to feel loved by friends and family.

On another note I made homemade beef and noodles today!! I ate this bowl (Anistyn's bowl to help with portion control) and it was damn delicious. Those who have eaten my chicken and dumplings this is a very close second to them!  I ate this bowl very slowly along with 20 oz of water. I got up and went and got another bowl full (totally not helping with the whole portion control thing) and sat down on the couch and stared at it. I had a showdown with a bowl full of beef and noodles!! Who does that?????  I sat and thought about how hard I worked this week to try and lose more weight.  I could have easily felt defeated since I am stuck at the same weight as last week and devoured the second bowl full but I didn't.  I got my happy ass up and said out loud "I don't need to eat this" and poured them back into the pot. Do you know how hard it is for a fat girl food addict to put food back????? It's really hard.  I knew I wouldn't feel good after eating that second bowl full. I knew I would feel even more disgusted with who I am if I had.  I imagined that bowl of noodles attached to my ass.  Maybe on Tuesday when I weigh myself at work it will have made a difference. If it didn't make a difference in my weight it sure made a difference in the way I am thinking about food and my health. That is one big step in the right direction.

Authorization.

Gah!! I got this in the mail today!!! It's coming up fast.  I now know I am approved for inpatient care the week of September 28th!! I can't wait to get the date of the surgery! My new life is in reach! I still have some weight to lose before my appointment. I'll soon be doing the 2 week preop diet and I am scared!!! People that think this is easy is nuts!