Woo hoo!

I WAS APPROVED FOR MY SURGERY!!!!!

I have several more things I have to do prior to getting my surgery scheduled. I am scheduled for a preop class and a preop apt. I will get to schedule my surgery at the preop appointment with Dr Westmoreland.  It's all becoming more real!

I still have to lose 7 pounds to reach the 15 pounds the Dr. wanted me to lose.  So project lose 8 pounds (I want to exceed the goal) in 2 weeks has commenced!

My fear.

My biggest fears associated with gastric bypass are:
1. I will be that person who can't lose weight even with most of my stomach and intestines bypassed.  I am scared I'll go through it all and never feel full. Right now I will feel full and still eat. How is it going to be different??? I know bypass is a tool but what if my tool is defective (that sounds dirty...lol)??? But seriously what if I go to my first post op appointment and I've gained weight??? I'll be the fat girl that fails bypass.
2. I will be the person who loses all the weight and then gains it all back in 3 years. If all goes as planned I'll lose weight rapidly.  I don't want to be the chick who ends up heavier than I was before the surgery.
3.  I am most afraid of losing the weight and looking different on the outside but not feeling any different about myself.  I fear always thinking I am an unflattering fat ass.  I plan on sticking with psych to fix my self esteem, self image, and self worth issues.  I wonder how my mentality is going to do a 180.
4. I'm afraid that something will go wrong in surgery. I've never had a surgery or been put under ever.  I know this is an anxiety ridden fear of the unknown but it sticks in the back of my mind.

DIEt.

Just wanted to type up a less serious blog post. There have been a whole lot of emotional blog posts lately. Not sure if dying or DIEt is worse. This picture depicts exactly what the psych Dr. said about the word DIEt. He asked me if I ever noticed that the word DIE is in DIEt.  I never paid that much attention to even realize it. The word DIEt has serious negative connotations associated with it. When you are on a DIEt you seriously feel like you are going to DIE of hunger. Like pass out on the spot because you've only eaten a celery stick and a pickle all day long.  I'm trying to view food as fuel and it is really hard to think that way! Luckily with the LIVE IT frame of mind I'm in I've been able to make pretty good choices. I don't deprive myself. If I want pizza for dinner I get it. I just eat 2 slices of pizza and not an entire half of a pizza.  My ass and roo pouch thank me.

I'm really wanting to buy a goal outfit but am waiting for that for sure approval from insurance. I've looked at a couple places and haven't seen anything that says "I've lost 130 pounds bitches!" I have told Jason that I would like him to buy me a goal outfit. I think it would be fun to wear something he would be excited to see me in. He thinks it sounds like a trap! Typical married man concerns. That's all I got tonight. Just wanted to have a less serious thought of the day post.

Weight loss.

I am down 8 pounds since I seen Dr. Westmoreland on the 10th.  I have to lose another 7 pounds to reach the 15 pound goal he gave me to be able to have the surgery.  8 pounds seems good but I just feel fatter.  I don't see any change other than the number on the scale.

 I feel like I'm in a constant battle with every facet of my life lately. It's been such a hard couple of months.  I have learned to not run to food when I'm stressed or anxious but I've become really angry instead. I have to find some middle ground.  I can't eat the anxiety away but I can't go through my days irritated at everything and everyone. It hasn't helped that my pain is on high alert and has been for 2 weeks now. Every time I change my eating habits or physical activity my body goes all wack-a-doo.  I havent been sleeping well because of pain. It hurts my hips to lie on my sides. I toss and turn trying to find some level of comfort.  My hands are stiff and achy.  My back hurts all the time. It's just whining on and on and on.  I just yearn to feel good. I cannot wait to feel free.  I am excited to be able to wake up in the morning and not want to lay down and throw the covers back over my head.  When you're fat and in pain due to chronic health conditions you feel trapped.  I constantly feel like I'm suffocating.  I just want to break free of the chains of obesity and pain.  It may seem a bit dramafied but this is my blog where I can sound off about anything I want.  You all choose to read it!

I have been so incredibly thankful for all of the support through my journey.  It really helps knowing I can be the voice for some of you who can't open up about how you feel about yourself.  

*****All of my paperwork was submitted to Tricare yesterday! I should be getting a phone call or email letting me know if I am approved very soon!

Another day.

It's just another day of being a fat girl.
Jason and I planned to have a date today. A very much needed date.  With the date came finding something to wear. That would be easy if I weren't a fat girl.  I have always refused to buy anything bigger than a size 18 or a size XL.  I have ended up buying 2-3 XL shirts and that in and of itself was extremely difficult.  I also told myself I would never get over 200 pounds ( you all know how that went). I've slowly lived unhappily going up size by size. Usually it doesn't matter that I don't have anything bigger than a size 18. I wear scrubs during the week and on the weekends stretchy pants or pajamas.  Today was different. I had to wear something decent. I took on the daunting task of finding something, anything that I could fit into.  I walked into the closet and tried on multiple pairs of pants most of which I couldn't get up past my lower thighs.  I just stood in there crying. I finally found a pair of 18W ( makes me think of wide load) jeans that I was able to get over my fat ass.  I had an incredible muffin top and couldn't breathe but they would have to do.  A day that was supposed to be great (we get like 4 dates a year) turned into me being a fat crying mess.  I thought I had already felt as repulsive as humanly possible until today. Today was my all time low. Today I cried and wondered how I got here. Today my already depressed self fell even further into the pit of self hate.  My fear is that I will have this surgery and still see a fat girl.  I'm afraid I will never get self confidence or a positive self image.
 I feel like I am a horrible example for my girls.  My main reasons for getting this surgery are:
1. To feel better physically.  I walk around in pain on a daily basis. Since I've gained this weight I've been hurting a lot more.  I have terrible pain in my feet and knees.  Some of it is lupus and fibro but my weight contributes to a lot of the pain. I am carrying 130 pounds more than I should.  I am hoping with weight loss I can get back into running. The prospect of running again gets me so excited! I love being by myself running off steam. I haven't been able to do that in over a year. Just walking up stairs is hard on me. I sweat profusely and that is embarrassing. I know with weight loss I won't feel like a hot mess all the time.

2. To feel better mentally and emotionally.  I want to have a positive self image. I want to love myself. I really do. I want to look in the mirror and not want to throw a brick and shatter the glass.  I am my own worst enemy.  I yearn to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am so self conscious all the time. I feel like a fat ass ALL OF THE TIME.  I know that what's on the outside isn't supposed to be the most important but it will mean something to me.  It will be important to me.  I know that going to counseling is an important part of this journey as well.  I need the counseling. I need to figure out how to get all of the negativity out of my head.  I need to love me.

3. My girls. I want my girls to feel as beautiful as they are. I want to be a positive influence for them.  Right now I am setting an awful example.  Noelle hears me beat myself up. She knows I dislike who I am. I want more than anything for my girls to NEVER feel this way about themselves.  I see self image and esteem problems with Noelle already and I blame myself. I know that she has grown up hearing me bash myself.  It is imperative that I change the direction she is going.  I never want my girls to feel the way I feel about myself.  I can tell them all day long that they are beautiful but do they feel that way about themselves??  When I hear Noelle talk about her "ugly legs" I hear myself talking.  The self confidence, self esteem, and positive self image of my girls is my driving force.

4. I want to do something for MYSELF.  I have always done everything for everyone else and for once I am doing something for me.  I am being selfish for the first time in my life.

I want to get out of this depression.  I have been incredibly depressed. I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything.  I feel empty. I'm trying to doggy paddle from the deep end but I'm moving very slow. I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I am just walking through my days like a zombie.  So when I said I was a fat ass hot mess I wasn't kidding.

Support Group.

I went to my first bariatric support group tonight. I couldn't help but sit in there and think that I am pathetic. I need a support group because I have a food addiction??????  A  food addiction!!!!!  It's crazy huh?? It's unlike other addictions in one way.... I HAVE to eat food to live. If I had a alcohol, smoking, or drug addiction I would have the option of quitting.  I can't just stop eating.  If only it were that easy.  If only I could eat 1 bite of a snickers bar. If only I could stop after eating a scoop of icecream. If only......

It was refreshing to hear other people talking about the same issues I have with food.  It was awesome to hear how far they were into their journey and see how wonderful they looked and how great they felt. It felt comforting to know that all of the people in the room have been on the same journey at some point in their life.
I keep waiting for the one asshole who is going to say I took the easy way out. This isn't easy. This is going to be one of the most difficult things I ever do.  It's taken a lot of thought and researching to feel like I am ready. I have had to be selfish for the first time in my life.  I am doing this to better myself. I'm doing this for me.  My entire life I have done things for everyone else and placed myself on the back burner. Its time that I look and feel better!! I am excited at the prospect of loving myself inside and out. I've never loved myself. I have at many times hated myself.  I want to be able to get up in the morning happy to be alive. I don't want to hurt as soon as my feet hit the floor. I don't want to struggle to cross my legs. I don't want to be afraid to look at my body in the mirror.  I don't want to get winded from walking up a flight of stairs. I don't want to be the fat one in the family.
I seriously considered keeping this journey to myself. I didn't consider it for long. I am a open book. I like to say out loud what I know people think. I am me. At the moment a very unhappy depressed me but I am me.
Oh and what does one do after fat girl support group? I go to dinner with a friend (thank you Danielle) at TGIF and eat a burger and fries. Yep I have a long journey ahead of me. That much is obvious.

Protein shakes, caffiene headaches, and low carbs...oh my!

I've made it almost through my first week and my "live it" mind set.  Its been a rough week I have to admit.  There were some mean lack of caffiene headaches.  I think that may be the worst part of it all.  I have felt like taking an ice pick to my skull many times this week. I've had a lot of fibromyalgia and Lupus pain on top of it all which typically makes for hard days.  I've made a few mistakes this week but overall I've stuck to the plan I have had. I start my days with a protein shake.  I actually really like them and they keep me pretty full which is nice!  I initially tried the shakes with vanilla almond milk but I couldn't stomach it. I love almonds but liquid "milk" that tastes like almonds is really weird.  I'm going to buy some chocolate flavored almond milk and I hope it tastes okay and I can use it in my shakes. The nutritionist said skim milk is okay to use but it contains a lot more sugar than they recommend.  I'm trying to increase my protein and limit my carbs. I have eliminated carbonated drinks completely.
It's been difficult not running to food this week. Finances have been a bitch and I am having to figure out ways to deal with the stress.  I am impatiently waiting to find out that everything has been sent to Tricare for approval. I am hoping I hear something from Dr. Westmorelands office this week. I am going to my first support group this week. I think it will be good to be around other people with the same issues.
Fingers crossed for a pain free week.

Living it.

So I have some big news! I have been working through the process of getting gastric bypass approval for the past month. I met with the surgeon, Dr. Westmoreland, this morning. I've had to meet with the nutritionist, PCP and psych over the past few weeks. I went back and forth on typing this up and telling the world. I really don't want any negative feedback and I know there will be those nay sayers in the bunch. I know I will run into those who think I am taking the easy way out but I feel like this is my ONLY way out.
I am now 238 pounds. I have to admit I have went bat shit crazy with my eating for the past month. I knew that today would be coming and my eating habits would be changing forever. I am extremely excited about this life change but also a hell of a lot scared.
I feel like thus far my appointment with psych has been the most beneficial. I know that the surgery is just a tool and that I will have to make many behavior modifications. I plan to continue to see psych indefinitely. I have a lot of shit I have to work through in my head. I know that a huge part of my mentality comes from my childhood. It takes a toll on a person's self esteem, self confidence, and self image to have someone who is supposed to love you call you fat. Psych said to erase the word diet and exercise from my vocabulary. He said that there are to many negative connotations that go along with those two words. He simply said to "Live It". Use this surgery as a tool to become a healthier me both physically and mentally.  My surgery is tentatively scheduled for the week of October 5-9. I have to go see Dr. Westmoreland in 6 weeks and have lost 15 pounds.  So I plan to start back typing in this blog every step of the way.

I had my first ever protein shake today. This will be a staple in my new life.