Weight struggles

I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight.  I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't worried about weight gain and body image.  I know that's something normal for a woman to feel but I often let it control every facet of my life.  I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I've been a yo-yo dieter my entire adult life.  I have the tendency to do really well and then make one mistake and give up.  I have to say that those are not my best qualities that's for sure. 
When I was a freshman in high school I was a size 5-7 and by graduation I was a size 9.  I of course thought that I was HUGE!  Little did I know that by the time I got married 2 years later I would be wearing a size 12 wedding dress.  By the time I got pregnant for the first time with Noelle I was 170 pounds.  After delivery I dropped to 160 and stayed there for a short time.  Over the next couple of years my size ranged from 11-16.  In 2004 I was the heaviest I had ever been.  I weighed 207 pounds and was close to a size 20.  I was fat, miserable and unhappy.  I decided that I was not going to buy anymore clothes especially "big girl" clothes.  I ended up going to the  doctor and said I needed help.  With the assistance of Phentermine I lost 50 pounds and felt amazing. The phentermine helped me with suppressing my appetite but I did very little in the fitness department.   I stayed around 150 for awhile but life as usual got in the way and I am a habitual emotional/stress eater.  I always turn to food and then feel hopeless and disgusting.  While Jason was deployed in 2010 I started exercising a lot and really enjoyed getting/feeling stronger.  I was finally taking time for myself.  I lost 20 pounds that year he was gone.  It seems that I have never been able to incorporate diet and fitness all at the same time.  If I succeeded at that I would look awesome!  LOL!  Once Jason came home from deployment I got pregnant straight out of the gate.  I only gained 3 pounds with Anistyn.  I was 193 pounds when I went in for delivery and walked out 185.  I got down to 163 (a number I had not seen in quite some time) but did not stay there for very long.  We moved back to the states 12/2012 and I gained 30 pounds in the first year here.  For the majority of my adult life I have been a size 16.  The last time I stepped on the scale I was 195 pounds.  Yes I am blushing right now because that is horribly embarrassing.  I would love nothing more than to get below 150 pounds and fit my happy ass into a size 10.  I would love to wear some cute shorts (I have not wore shorts in public since I was 15) and feel confident walking down the street.  I would love more to feel like I was good enough for my husband.  I always feel that others are looking at us when we are together wondering why a hot, sexy, fit man is with a short, fat, unhealthy girl (not looking for sympathy just being brutally honest).
 I found over the summer that I thoroughly enjoy exercising, especially running/jogging. I found so much exhilaration with running in the two races I did in 2013.  I hope that with this blog, persistence, and determination I will be able to get on course and succeed with diet and fitness as a team.  I dream of being healthy! 

My very first race ever!  I had so much fun doing the color run especially having my sweet Noelle running beside me.

We finished and still have enough energy to jump!

The WWP 8 K was very daunting.  This was the first race that I ran solo.  It was truly the most amazing experience ever. 

Sweet relief!  I made it across the finish line still in 1 piece!

As for progress over the past 2 days.....I have ate great and stayed to my plan.  Jason put me through a workout last night (walking the stairs, wall sit, crunches, pushups, plank) and of course today every muscle in my body is screaming.  Who knew that a person could get so incredibly out of shape in such a short time!  Exercise and Lupus together make for a fine lined dance of sorts.  Exercise is great for the disease but exercise can make your disease flare and cause intense pain if you over do it even in the slightest bit.  Makes life frustrating sometimes.  My mind set has not changed much yet however.  I still think about food/hunger all day and see nothing but an obese woman looking back at me.  I will get there though I have no doubt :)  Thanks for reading friends!  Tomorrow I will have my official weigh in and measurements to share!