Weekend woes.

I have to constantly remind myself

This weekend has been so hard!  Most of the weekend we have spent at home just relaxing with each other (Ani and Jason have both been sick) When you stay home for hours at a time all you want to do (at least I do) is eat.  The time has moved slowly and I've waited for every meal.  I know it is ridiculous but I am a food addict.  How pathetic is it to say that?!  Typically on Friday night we will order a pizza.  We will usually go through a drive through on Saturday as well.  So we have saved money in those regards (unless you look at the cost of fresh produce!) and the girls have ate much healthier which is a plus.  I've met my calorie goals and I'm proud of that but its that fun time of the month (you know what I'm saying ladies) when all I want is chocolate.  I would give you my big toe (exaggeration of course)  for a huge brownie ice cream concoction of some sort.  I went roaming through Walgreen's yesterday trying to find some kind of candy/chocolate that I could buy with few calories.  Just for your information that sort of candy/chocolate does not exist.  I looked at the nutrition label on multiple candies and didn't find any that I felt I could eat.  I walked out of there empty handed.  Hell HAS frozen over if I walk out of a store that I went into trying to find something sweet!  I find myself very frustrated right now.  I'm not able to get very creative with my meals because every "healthy"  recipe I find is 400-500 calories.  With the 900 calorie restriction I am on I can only have about 200-250 calories in my main meals.  They also want me to eat two snacks so I have to save calories for those in the day as well.  You cant make a whole hell of a lot with 250 calories. They are also wanting me to keep my carbohydrates below 100 a day.  So low calorie and low carbohydrates.  Urgh!  Everything that seems to be filling has a lot of carbs in them.  Its like a never ending  yo yo.  I am sure there will be some readers who beg to differ but so far its been difficult to find.

I swear I have dreams about nutrition labels!

I'm not the type of person who can eat the same thing day in and day out.  I like to mix things up and have variety in my day.   I felt in the beginning of the week that I was doing really good.  I felt like I was making my way uphill and getting the hang of things.  Now I realize I am far from getting the hang of things.
 It was beautiful outside yesterday so we took full advantage of that.  I did my kickboxing tape (which I STILL love) for 20 minutes and then the girls and I went for a walk.  It felt great to be outdoors.  I wanted to try and go for a run but something is holding me back.  It goes back to that lack of confidence thing.  I haven't ran for over 2 months now.  If my time sucks or I cant run a certain distance I know I will get pissed off and angry.  I've gotten into my head and it is not helping.  I tend to be my own worst enemy.
Its really difficult to keep going when you don't see any change.  I think that is the hardest part to changing your lifestyle and trying to lose weight.  As a woman I want immediate results (it drives my husband crazy!).  I want to see or feel that in some way my body is changing.  I know,I know its only been 12 days and my thinking is absurd and crazy but it would be nice to see something.  When I look in the mirror I am still extremely disgusted with what I see.  It sucks because our bathroom is surrounded by mirrors.  Jason of course loves it because he adores looking at himself especially after a good workout.  I will often take my clothes of in the shower behind the curtain so I don't have to see all THIS in the mirror.  I see my reflection in my phone screen or the rear view mirror of the car and it depresses me.  Not having the scale available at home is driving me crazy as well.  I know its for my own good but to see the numbers go down daily would help me.  Although seeing a number go up would make me want to go hold up McDonald's and eat everything I see.  So its a win/lose situation.   Ugh what a shit tastic couple of days.  With my diet and exercise yesterday I did manage to stay under 1100 calories.  I had a small binge and ate an entire bagel knowing it was going to destroy my calories for the day.
Since I still had the sweet cravings today I attempted a new recipe that a friend of my sent me on Facebook (Thank you Amber).

These turned out actually pretty good.  I didn't put raisins in them.  I added 2 tablespoons of mini chocolate chips instead.  I figured it out to be 92 calories a cookie.  Keep in mind they aren't filled with a lot of butter/flour/sugar so they do taste different.  Noelle didn't like it of course (I had no doubt) If I need a sweet option this is a good one though!
 

So that sums up the weekend.  I'm ready for Friday to get here so I can get some encouragement from the numbers on the scale.  Thanks for reading!