Woe is me.

So this blog entry is going to be more about Lupus than about weight loss.  If you are tired of hearing about my Lupus and Lupus flare then I would click close on this blog pretty quickly. I'm at the point with this illness where I want to say fuck it.  It's been a really long time since my Lupus has beat me down this hard. I usually wake up in the morning thinking I have this disease but it doesn't have me.
For those who don't know my history here it is. I started having Lupus like symptoms when I was 7 months pregnant with Noelle. While pregnant I tested positive for scleroderma and I had a elevated ANA. After Noelle I had various ailments and they only got worse. In the beginning of all these health issues I was a depressed and angry person. I was mad that I had a disease that I watched my Mom suffer through. I was angry that I couldn't act my age because I felt like an 80 year old woman.  I went into work one day and felt like I mentally wasn't there. I started having difficulty talking. I was running into walls. I had the most intense headaches of my life. I went to the ER and was admitted but they never could figure out what was going on. I started seeing a rheumatologist at Washington University in St. Louis in 2004. I was initially diagnosed with Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I started to take pictures of my hands, facial rash, and other various rashes and finally got the Lupus diagnosis in 2006. I've had some small flares since my diagnosis but not anything I couldn't handle. I've never had to be on steroids/prednisone in my life. I've always had a mild case of Lupus. This past November I ended up in the ER with what I knew was pleurisy. I was placed on prednisone for 1 week. The pleurisy was cleared up but 2 weeks later I couldn't grip with my hands and my hands hurt so bad I couldn't stand it. I was placed on another round of prednisone.  My labs came back with a still elevated ANA, elevated sed rate, and slightly elevated CRP. All of these indicated active Lupus, basically a flare.  After 2 more weeks I came to work with a fogginess/heaviness in my head. I couldn't articulate while talking. I found myself running into walls. All of this felt all to familiar. I was scared. I was admitted to the hospital and placed on high dose steroids. Soon after discharge I ended up with bronchitis and a viral infection all because of the lowered immune system I assume. Every time the Dr tried to lower the prednisone my hand pain and stiffness would come back. I still was never completely rid of the head fog and heaviness. Starting 2 weeks ago I began getting debilitating migraines. Along with the headaches came nausea, photophobia, blurred vision, and sweating. I am finding that I will think one thing and something else comes out of my mouth. I've blown through red lights not even realizing I did anything. It's like I miss periods of time. I've become a very angry depressed person. I can't stand myself. I don't want to leave my house. I cry every morning after seeing my reflection. I know a side effect of steroids is personality changes. I think to myself "do I want to be a bitch that eats all the time or be in pain?" I don't want any of it. I want to be healthy and pain free. I want to be able to not have to take 10 different medications a day. I want to feel like a 34 year old woman. I don't want to wake up in pain on a daily basis. I want to have energy.
I think my biggest fear is that I will pass this down to my girls. I never want them to deal with this. I try so hard to walk in the door and pretend I feel good so I don't disappoint or stress out my girls.
I did weigh myself last Friday and I was 205.8. So I gained a few ounces.
Thanks for reading through all this if you made it this far.