The medications that are Lupus.

I haven't been on here in awhile. I've been angry at my Lupus for betraying me and wreaking havoc for the past several months. I haven't felt lovely. I haven't been losing lard. I have however had lupus. One out of three isnt bad right? Usually I give lupus the big middle finger and move on but for some reason it hasn't worked this time. Of course I've never been on prednisone because of lupus. Prednisone is that girl you always hated in highschool. You know the girl right?! The one with the perfect hair and the cute little body and perfect 10 boyfriend. Yep prednisone is a bitch. This medication has become my #1 nemisis. Not only have I gained 25-30 pounds due to wanting to eat everything that moves. I have also turned into a emotionally irrational crazy person. To the men who read this (the few and far between) stop chuckling! I am still on prednisone and I will hear you and find you!  I am going to see my new rheumatologist on Wednesday and I am hopeful. I am going to have the "get me off these steroids now" conversation. I've never been so unhappy with myself in my life. I've never ever been this heavy nor ever thought I would be this heavy. Steroids had a lot to do with it but the past few weeks were me just giving up. 

So what does this have to do with the handful of medication? When you have a chronic condition you typically take one medication for the disease itself and then another for a symtptom of a symptom of a symptom. The handful of medication is just the morning handful. It excludes the vitamins I take. It excludes the handful of nightly medications.  I just want to be healthy. I want to love myself enough to care. I don't want a handful of medications to signify who I am. I don't want 25-30 extra pounds to signify who I am. I am still figuring out who I am!

Stay tuned for "Muffin top! What is this?!"

Gastric Sleeve

I am starting to consider getting the gastric sleeve. I still have a lot of research to do but I am very interested. I feel like my weight is out of control. My self image is VERY
important to me. I don't like being in the healthcare field and being so unhealthy. I am asking my patients if they exercise and I'm embarrassed because I'm fat and don't exercise. If any of my readers have had the sleeve and have any advice or comments please leave them. I would like to know how your surgery went. I'd like to know how the process went prior to surgery. I know surgery is a big step but I feel helpless. I am staying on these steroids until my March appointment with my new rheumatologist and then I am refusing to take anymore.  I crave to feel good. I crave to feel good about myself. I just want to love myself. I am planning on trying to find a counselor as well to help with my body issues and food issues.
Have a great rest of the weekend.

Wowzah.

I went to the doctor today and stepped on the scale. I was mortified. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I stepped on that scale and weighed 215.1. Holy hell! Ever since I saw that number I've had it flashing through my head.  215, 215, 215. Its chanting through my mind! I have never ever ever weighed this much.  I'm getting to a point where I can't fit in my clothes. The more weight I gain the more depressed I get. Something has got to give.
I did go to the Dr today and he is adding 2 new medications to see if they control the migraines. We are also decreasing the prednisone. I am so hoping that I can get off this stuff and lose some weight. I hate not having control of my body.

I know I've been a Debbie Downer the past few posts. The struggle is real. I truly feel blessed to have a husband who is by my side helping me get through it. He picks up the pieces when I can't. I am so blessed to have my two beautiful kiddos. Noelle is so sweet and soft spoken. She knows when I don't feel well and will make the effort to hang with me and make sure I am okay. Anistyn is my wild child. She doesn't understand what it means when I don't feel good. She is so busy that she unknowingly helps keep my mind off the Big L. So despite all the bitching I am blessed.

Woe is me.

So this blog entry is going to be more about Lupus than about weight loss.  If you are tired of hearing about my Lupus and Lupus flare then I would click close on this blog pretty quickly. I'm at the point with this illness where I want to say fuck it.  It's been a really long time since my Lupus has beat me down this hard. I usually wake up in the morning thinking I have this disease but it doesn't have me.
For those who don't know my history here it is. I started having Lupus like symptoms when I was 7 months pregnant with Noelle. While pregnant I tested positive for scleroderma and I had a elevated ANA. After Noelle I had various ailments and they only got worse. In the beginning of all these health issues I was a depressed and angry person. I was mad that I had a disease that I watched my Mom suffer through. I was angry that I couldn't act my age because I felt like an 80 year old woman.  I went into work one day and felt like I mentally wasn't there. I started having difficulty talking. I was running into walls. I had the most intense headaches of my life. I went to the ER and was admitted but they never could figure out what was going on. I started seeing a rheumatologist at Washington University in St. Louis in 2004. I was initially diagnosed with Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I started to take pictures of my hands, facial rash, and other various rashes and finally got the Lupus diagnosis in 2006. I've had some small flares since my diagnosis but not anything I couldn't handle. I've never had to be on steroids/prednisone in my life. I've always had a mild case of Lupus. This past November I ended up in the ER with what I knew was pleurisy. I was placed on prednisone for 1 week. The pleurisy was cleared up but 2 weeks later I couldn't grip with my hands and my hands hurt so bad I couldn't stand it. I was placed on another round of prednisone.  My labs came back with a still elevated ANA, elevated sed rate, and slightly elevated CRP. All of these indicated active Lupus, basically a flare.  After 2 more weeks I came to work with a fogginess/heaviness in my head. I couldn't articulate while talking. I found myself running into walls. All of this felt all to familiar. I was scared. I was admitted to the hospital and placed on high dose steroids. Soon after discharge I ended up with bronchitis and a viral infection all because of the lowered immune system I assume. Every time the Dr tried to lower the prednisone my hand pain and stiffness would come back. I still was never completely rid of the head fog and heaviness. Starting 2 weeks ago I began getting debilitating migraines. Along with the headaches came nausea, photophobia, blurred vision, and sweating. I am finding that I will think one thing and something else comes out of my mouth. I've blown through red lights not even realizing I did anything. It's like I miss periods of time. I've become a very angry depressed person. I can't stand myself. I don't want to leave my house. I cry every morning after seeing my reflection. I know a side effect of steroids is personality changes. I think to myself "do I want to be a bitch that eats all the time or be in pain?" I don't want any of it. I want to be healthy and pain free. I want to be able to not have to take 10 different medications a day. I want to feel like a 34 year old woman. I don't want to wake up in pain on a daily basis. I want to have energy.
I think my biggest fear is that I will pass this down to my girls. I never want them to deal with this. I try so hard to walk in the door and pretend I feel good so I don't disappoint or stress out my girls.
I did weigh myself last Friday and I was 205.8. So I gained a few ounces.
Thanks for reading through all this if you made it this far.