Gym day 1

Woke up at 5 and walked my ass down to the gym like I said I would. I didn't make it very long due to my back but I worked up a sweat! Yay me! I go Wednesday for a MRI of my back to hopefully figure out what is wrong. The burning pain makes exercising or even walking difficult sometimes.  I have the most energy and time in the morning but that's when my pain is the worst! Got to love chronic illness. Anyway I did today! It may not of been the workout of the century but I did it.

Hiatus.

I've taken a hiatus from weighing in. I need a break from the scale. I get so fixated on the number and let it get me down. I am tired of letting my stress control my life. When I let it take hold I end up eating way to much. I am going to start taking my stress to the gym. Our apartment complex has redone our gym and i am excited to try it out. There are several cardio machines and upper body as well.  I'm done with this woe is me mentality. I eat my weight in stress and then get depressed. Being depressed isn't helping anyone especially myself. I feel like I am failing myself and all of you who supported me through this year. I won't let myself nor you all down. I'm done.

Starting Over.

I feel like I am starting from scratch. I know despite how I feel that I have not completely destroyed my progress. The scale has not changed a whole lot but the way I feel about myself has. Those non scale victories are slowly becoming non victories.  I've honestly let financial stress and Lupus get me very depressed. I'm glad I can honestly say that. It sucks keeping things to yourself.
 I very rarely let Lupus get me down this way. I have seen symptoms come back that have been in hiding for almost 8 years. It's kind of ironic that it is Lupus Awareness month and I am feeling very AWARE of its existence.  I've had numbness, tingling and weakness happening in my legs for the past 6 months or so. My headaches are occurring on a regular basis and migraines are becoming a weekly occurrence. The intense deep in my bone leg pain that I used to have is showing itself again too. I don't miss that symptom. Nothing worse than wanting to rip your legs off just to get a moment of no pain.  The fatigue is ridiculous. I never feel well rested or close to rested. I constantly feel like I have just ran 10 miles on 48 hours of no sleep.  My vertigo and ear ringing are back too. Got to love feeling like you are spinning in circles while trying to stand still.  The best lupus symptom is the brain fog and memory issues. It makes your daily life a true circus event.  I've let this disease destroy me this month.  I've let it destroy my positive attitude.  I think a lot of fear is what's next?  The Drs are going to want to order this test and that test to tell me that "yeah it's Lupus".  They will tell me I can take this medication for that symptom and this medication for this symptom.  I honestly don't want to hear it.  So I have to challenge myself and pick my ass back up and be a big girl. This is what life has dealt me and I can either continue to let it get me down or say fuck you Lupus.  I didn't type this out for sympathy or to sound pathetic I promise. I typed it out to vent mostly.  It's to let people know that a person can look healthy and happy and be seriously hurting like hell on the inside.
The point of this post is that I have set my alarm for 5 a.m. and I am getting up to walk/run in the morning. I've said it a million times on here and have not followed through. So tomorrow I am getting up no matter how shitty I feel or how shitty I slept and I am going out to spend some quality time with myself while burning calories.  I love how I feel after running and am unsure why I have had such a hiatus. It's easy for me to make excuses and not follow through. I've done that my whole life.
I am hoping that I find my way back to motivated me.  I have my water brewing in the refrigerator, my running clothes laid out, and my lunch pre-packed for work tomorrow.  Let's do this thing Autumn.

Weigh In.

I didn't even go there this week. I know how shitty my diet and decisions have been and was to ashamed to even see the number that would be looking back at me. At this moment I'm pretty low and not liking myself at all. I so wish I handled my stress a different way. I seriously need someone to follow behind me on a daily basis. I have good plans and intentions but have yet to incorporate them back into my daily routine. I officially suck.

Weigh in.

I weighed in on Friday and my weight went up again. I was 173.5. I keep teeter tottering between 169 and 175. Am I happy with this weigh in? No. Did I expect to go back up? Yes.
Tomorrow I start a new challenge. I think I need that accountability again.  I am starting a pedometer challenge. It starts tomorrow and continues until November. I am in a team of 8 and there are multiple teams within the clinic participating. Which ever team walks the most steps in that 6 month period wins. There is also a weigh loss challenge. Which ever individual loses the most weight in the 6 month period wins as well. Friendly competition in the work place!  I am relieved that it is starting so I can continue my weight loss.  I need something to give me motivation.
I am hoping that the exercise will help get me out of the funk I am in as well. I hate the depression/anxiety feeling that seems to take over my entire self.  I love to be outside. I am nervous however because so far this year I have gotten so sick when out in the sun. Lupus is a bastard.
So going to go eat the Mothers Day meal I prepared myself and enjoy it. Tomorrow starts a new day. I have to stop binge eating and find a different outlet for my stress. I am hoping exercise will help with that as well.  Have a good week friends.

Feeling good.

I got back on track again and it feels so good!! I had a few victories today!
 I stared a big delicious chocolate muffin in the face and said screw you muffin! The only way to get rid of the existing muffin top is to avoid big delicious chocolate muffins! I battled that damn muffin for a good 30 minutes. I was forever indebted to the Toyota oil changer guy who popped in and said my car was ready. Phew! Crisis avoided.
Secondly I went to the store to find me an outfit and for the first time in a long time I pulled an outfit off the rack and it all fit. I typically avoid dressing rooms like the plaque. I went in today thinking I would look like a joke as usual but to my surprise it all fit! I was wearing a size medium shirt! A medium! I haven't tried on nor worn a medium shirt in 10+ years. What a wonderful day!
So despite all of the stress going on right now I am handling it all without eating everything I see. Yay me!!
Also as some of you have seen on my Facebook page its Lupus Awareness Month! I will have many posts through the month regarding lupus. I hope you all gain some knowledge and insight about this disease. People that don't know me usually have no idea that I have the disease. Its hard to live with sometimes but I can't let it define who I am. Thank you friends for reading the facts and asking questions!!!

16 week/4 month weigh in.

Today is my 16 week weigh in.  I CANNOT believe that I have stuck with this for 4 months!  I am proud to say that I have worked my butt off and am back to 169.5!  I was so excited to see the 160's again!  Jason has been an amazing support and has helped me get through the stress eating and the weight gain slump and I could not be more grateful.  This 4 month stretch of time has had plenty of failures (one in particular that I am to embarrassed to write about just yet)  but right now I feel like a success.  The set backs have only made me want to do this more.  I do think about all the weight I could have lost by now without those crazy food addicted binges.  All I can do is think about it and not dwell on it.  Ive loved seeing all of my friends posts of their success and even being called out as a source of inspiration!  It feels amazing to be able to help others with my success.  I still have a long journey, a life long journey, to get to the weight I feel will make me happy.  I have to say though I am overjoyed that I can fit my ghetto booty in a pair of size 12 capri's and they are loose!  Now to get my butt to running again!  I will be unstoppable!