1 month weigh in and measurements.

Today was the day for my 1 month weigh in!  I have to say I went in with very low confidence.  I just knew I wasn't going to do well but to my surprise I did!!  I lost 2.2 pounds this week and that puts me at a grand total of 11.2!!!!  I wanted to break 10 pounds in a month and I did!  They also checked my waist and hip measurements.  I had no idea that they were going to do that this time.  Apparently they do it once a month.  My waist the first visit was 44 and it is now 40 in.  I lost 4 inches in my waist!!!  I can tell that I am slimmer there by how my scrub tops fit.  I cant say that when I'm naked looking at myself that I can see much of a difference.  I still see a whole lot of belly fat.  My hip measurement the first day was 49.5 and today it was 47 in!  I lost 2.5 inches in my hips!  So far I cant tell a difference at all in my hips not even with how my jeans fit.  I'm excited for when I can tell though. That is a total of 6.5 inches lost!  I am so very proud of myself.  I don't tend to stick to things very long and I have stuck to this for a month now.  It has become my way of life.  I feel great setting an example for my kids!

A new recipe.

Chicken Pizza

I don't know about you but I LOVE pizza!  It is something I have missed A LOT since starting this journey.  I decided today that I wanted to try out a new healthier version of a pizza pie.  It turned out so DELICIOUS!  Jason even liked it and he couldn't fathom chicken on a pizza.  I put in all of the ingredients and it came out to 110 calories a slice!  Not to bad if I do say so myself.  So how did I do it? Read on.

- Boboli thin pizza crust (pre made and ready to go)
-1/4 cup of Ragu homemade pizza sauce
-1 cup of shredded spinach (raw)
-1 small can of sliced olives
-1 chopped tomato
-1 can of canned chicken (with the tuna)
-1 cup of mozzarella cheese

The result was scrumdiddlyumpcious!

Anxiety.

I'm not sure what has got my anxiety meter on high right now but I don't like it.  I am freaking myself out about everything.  Anistyn is having her surgery this week and I know that has me stressed.  I know this isnt a major surgery but my children have never had to be put under and to me that is scary. 
I hate that society's mistakes make me panic.  I went on a mommy/daughter date with my oldest yesterday and worried the whole time I was in the theater.  I was making sure I knew of ways to get out if I needed to.  I wondered if this would be the next theater some screwed up kid would decide to shoot up.  It really terrifies me that my children will live in a world of fear. 
Anyway what does that have to do with a weight loss blog?  I am a stress eater if you recall.  When I am anxious or stressed I want to eat.  I am thankful that today is Monday and I am going back to work.  Work is an easy outlet to relieve my stress.  Stress also causes weight gain especially that lovely belly fat we all know and love so much.  This all in turn makes me anxious for my weigh in on Thursday. I already have a head full of doubt and don't feel like I am going to do well.  Why do I let my brain control so many aspects of my life!?  I hoping that I get a sense of relief and peace soon. 
Also I noticed that Anistyn stepped on the scale last night by accident and it came on.  So me being the scale addict that I am have stepped on it 3 times since last night.  This isn't good.  I know in my head I need to just stop or I'm going to screw myself up but if only it were that easy.  I thought the battery was out of the scale and I hadn't stepped on it in over 2 months.  Ugh.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Nope that didn't help.  Man this journey is a up and down battle.  Have a good one folks.

Hummus!

I asked my Facebook friends a few days ago about hummus.  I honestly had never tried it and was a little scared to buy it.  The name sounded weird and it looked like packaged vomit.  I did however like the health benefits.  I liked that it was low in calorie and carbohydrates.  So I ventured to Kroger yesterday in search of hummus.  After taking a lap around the store and coming up hummus less I asked an employee where it could be.  She directed me to the deli section and Hazzah! it was there.  I got "roasted red pepper" as that was the most talked about flavor on my Facebook post.  I looked into getting pita chips to go with it as that was a common recommendation by you all.  However after reading the nutrition label the carbs were way to high for my particular diet.  I decided to get raw cauliflower and broccoli.  I got it home and reluctantly dug in.  To my surprise it was DELICIOUS!  I am so excited to have a low calorie and carb snack!  The veggies give me that crunch (which for whatever reason I feel I need in a meal) and the hummus gives me the salt I need.  It was a very pleasant surprise.  Thank you to everyone who recommended it! Next step is making my own!

Weaker? Food cravings and double chins. OH MY!

I have been on this journey since January 1st.  I didn't start the wellness program until the 3rd but I was already trying to eat better and exercise on my own.  I am 25 days into this and exercising seems to be getting harder!  I thought that by now I would start to build up some stamina and this would be a little easier.  I know it wont be crazy easy because I am fat and out of shape but I didn't think it would get harder.  Why is it getting harder?  *pouting* Its frustrating to me!  Full of frustrations the past few days.  I don't know if its due to a stressful long week at work or what.  Ive tried to exercise as much as I can despite the long late days at work.  I'm doing the same tapes (alternating between about 4) so they aren't new moves I'm doing.  I just don't know.  I'm just glad I am keeping up with it all. My later days I try and do Yoga or Pilates and short days and weekends I do my cardio tapes.  Id say I am averaging about 4 days a week of exercise.  It makes me very nervous to get out there and try and run again.  I have big dreams in my head of who I want to be but am still scared to get out there and do it.  Hopefully by this time next month I will be stronger.  Luckily I work at an awesome place and they are now going to be offering Yoga and Zumba to their employees starting next week.  Yoga will be on Tuesday and Zumba will be on Thursday.  Ive never tried Zumba and have an inkling that I will not look real sexy doing it!  There will be a tremendous amount of fat jiggling.  Ewwww. The best part of this is that I wont have to leave work and go to another facility to do it.  I always feel guilty leaving work and going to a gym to work out before going to see my family.

Food cravings.......I hate them.  Yesterday was a rough one.  I wanted something sweet!  I craved candy bars, cake, and ice cream like nobody's business at work.  Jason ended up bringing me a cappuccino (I know not a great choice) and it made those cravings go away.  After the long week I forgot to take anything out of the freezer to thaw yesterday.  Pisses me off when I do that.  Noelle of course wanted Arbys.  I checked the nutrition of each item before I even went through the drive through so I would have my plan in place. I ended up getting a turkey and cheese kid meal with a water.  Yes I could have chosen apple slices but I didn't (I suck sometimes).  I did however end up sharing the fries between Anistyn (I did get her apple slices) and Jason.  So I did feel better not having ate the entire contents by myself.  Was it worth the calories?  Not really.  I would have been just as happy eating a can of soup.  The good news I didn't go to far over my calorie allotment (1027).  I exercised after dinner and that helped with the excess.  The best news is I woke up not craving a damn thing.  There are ALWAYS going to be temptations and it is on you how you decide to conquer them.

Damn Double Chin

Last but not least DOUBLE CHINS.  Who likes them?  I sure as hell do not!  Anyone that knows me (especially my photographer friends) is well aware of my aversion to double chins.  I am always terrified that I will have a double chin in a photo.  I am a pro at situating my face in a manner that will hide the second chin.  We were born with one chin (well except as a baby we have about 10) and I enjoy only seeing one chin. The good news is that I have been told by a few people that my face looks slimmer.  They didn't come out and say "Your nasty ass double chin is disappearing", but that is what I heard loud and clear!  LOL.  If my face slimming is the first thing to go I will surely take it!  Its exciting to see small changes.  It would be even more exciting to see some BIG changes. 

Weigh In. Number 4.

I had my weigh in today and I lost another 2.2 pounds!  I am now at a total of 9 pounds!!!  Super excited to almost be at the 10 pound mark after 3 weeks.  I'm working my tail end off to make these positive changes!  It has helped having my Dr and some of the other girls at work eating healthy as well.  Instead of going to the catered lunch we all sit together away from the yummy goodness.  I have managed to stay away from Chic-fil-a, Newks, Blue Coast Burrito, and Panera.  I have to say Panera has HUGE cookies and Newks has amazing peanut butter and chocolate bars!  I was told today that now I am eating to few calories.  I've tried to stay at 900 or under but they don't like the under 900 idea.  some days especially during the week its hard to get enough to eat.  It gets so busy and I lose track of time.  I don't always get my snacks in like they want me to and I don't want to compensate for calories missed during the day at night.  I will get it all sorted out eventually.  I still don't see a big difference physically.  I will get there.  Any sweet snack ideas that aren't full of carbs?  I love fruit and its low in calories but man does it have a whole lot of carbs in it.  If you have never calorie counted (which I never had and was highly opposed to it before) I suggest you give it a try.  You would be amazed at how many calories, carbs, fat, and sodium are in certain foods.  This so far has been the best decision I've ever made.

 To the friends who have messaged me or commented in passing that I am motivating them, thank you!  Its always nice to know that my efforts are helping someone else with the same process. 

Benefits.

What do you think when you see a picture like this?  I think about how unhappy this lady must be.  I see a woman who probably does not think very highly of herself and wants to change.  Look at all of the negative effects of being obese.  I'm going to elaborate on just a few.

1.  Lower life expectancy:  I am deathly afraid of growing old.  Over the past few years as I watch life pass by so quickly and my children growing I am even more terrified.  If losing weight and being healthy will help me lead a longer life I am all for it!  I  know as we eat our cheeseburgers and cake we aren't thinking about how it is essentially taking years off of our lives.  Maybe after seeing and reading this you will think a little bit before you eat it.  I will gladly trade the junk food for a longer life spent with my husband and children.

2.Joint problems:  I know from personal experience with Lupus that obesity is terrible for the joints.  When you are obese all of that extra weight to move around is focused on the knees and hips.  We need to help our bodies out and give them some relief.  A lot of people use illnesses as a crutch and say that because they have ,lets say Lupus, they cant exercise.  I know that when I am sitting around not doing anything I feel more pain than I do if I am exercising.  It doesn't have to be hard core aerobic exercise.  Take walks do strength training or swim!  Swimming is AHMAZING for your joints.  It is so beneficial for those with arthritis, lupus, fibromyalgia to name a few.

3.  Low self-esteem: I am the poster child for low self esteem.  When I look in the mirror I feel like the lady in the picture above.  There are rolls of fat that shouldn't be in places on my body.  Its not pretty in the least.  How can I expect other people to think I am worth looking at if I cant even look at myself positively?  The one thing I think about most is how different physically I will look when I get to my goal weight.  Ive never had a positive self image and I am so excited to try it out in the future! 

4.  Chronic health conditions:  Who wants to live life with high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, breathing problems, high cholesterol, cancer, blood clots and risk for heart attack?  Short answer is NOBODY.

5. Limited mobility:  Personally I enjoy being able to get up in the morning.  I enjoy being able to get dressed, go to the bathroom, get a shower, and fix my meals.  Who wants to be so immobilized that they cant take care of themselves? 

6. Social discrimination:  This is such a huge one in our society.  It is everywhere and so sad.  I am sure every single one of us has said "Oh my gosh look at how fat she/he is"  If other people are looking and saying these things about someone you can only imagine how the person feels about themselves.  I have a husband who very openly does not think highly of overweight people.  He is a personal trainer who takes very good care of himself and sees most obese people as lazy.  As a woman (his wife) who is obese its hard to hear sometimes (well most times).  He doesn't ever address his comments at me but it still effects me more so than he thinks or knows.  He doesn't understand food addiction at all.  He thinks it should be simple to just not eat so much and to eat healthy foods.  I often wish he were more sympathetic/empathetic when it comes to obesity.  Everyone has a story and a reason why they are obese and sometimes they just need to be heard.

So any new opinions having read all of these?  Any new perspectives?  What I do know is I DO NOT want to be obese anymore.  I am taking every step I can to change my life for myself and my family.

Cravings be gone.

This has been a wonderful weekend! I am now to the point where eating this low calorie diet is getting easy for me! I've learned how to portion my food which has helped a ton! No physical changes as of yet but I am mentally changed and focused. I am truly so excited to see myself in 3 months!!  It makes me wonder why I waited so long to do this. If anyone is interested in seeing what I eat on a daily basis you can find me on "my fitness pal". I loathed that program in the beginning but it has become my saving grace.  I had my diet Pepsi this weekend so all is right in my world! Have a great week!

Get Fit Challenge.

I went to Fleet Feet today and did my initial assessment for the "Get Fit Challenge".  I had to get my blood pressure checked which was fabulous 114/78 and my finger pricked to check my blood sugar (86).  Then I met with a exercise science major who took my picture, checked my weight, measured skin folds on the back of the arm, hip and thigh.  She then measured my neck, chest, waist and hips with a tape measure (I didn't write them down.  I was slightly terrified of what I would see).  The challenge is 12 weeks long.  Fleet Feet has different activities scheduled such as a "exercise and nutrition clinic", "cooking methods class", "grocery store tour", and a "stay motivated clinic".  There are also scheduled GET FIT walks.  There will be three body assessments (today was the first one) through out the 12 weeks.  The third and final assessment is scheduled for April 12, 2014.  There will be a overall male and female winner and category winners.  They have some amazing prizes for the winners!  I was told that there are approximately 35 participants.  I wonder how many of those 35 will stick to it and finish strong?   I know that I have my head in the right place and plan on kicking ass.  I have lost 6.8 pounds and it has given me a TON of motivation!  I want to see those pounds drop every week!  I feel good and feel that I am on my way to a better me.

I have to say that the absolute best part of this journey has been getting my kids to exercise with me.  Childhood obesity is a growing epidemic and I want my kids to be the exception to the new American normal.   There is nothing cuter than Anistyn trying to get in tree pose and Noelle punching  the air like a cat while kick boxing.  I feel like a better mother for keeping them active and for being a better role model.  Its fuel for me.  I have always struggled with taking time for myself to exercise (going to a gym) and in turn taking time away from kids.  I feel like I am away from them to much already.  What better way to spend time with my girls then having them exercise with me!? They make it so much more enjoyable and fun.  Be the example.

 Another fantastic compliment I have gotten is Jason telling me that I am motivating him.  How awesome to be a motivator to my already healthy and fit hubby!  He loves seeing me shrink and blossom all at the same time.  He has seen me stop drinking Diet Pepsi (still my best friend) and is in the process of trying to kick his Diet Rock Star habit.  Anyone that knows him is well aware of his addiction to the white can!  I am actually getting on to him at times about what he is eating and how much of certain foods he is munching on.  I'm sure eventually I will be getting on his nerves.  I wouldn't be a very good wife if it was any other way right?  I sure do love that man of mine.  He has ALWAYS loved me no matter my size.  He has never put me down or called me fat (he knows he would die).  He calls me beautiful every single day.  I love seeing the way he looks at me especially when he is so proud.

 This was at the Treetop Adventure Park this summer.  We had so much fun climbing in the trees and doing the obstacles.  I didn't make it through the entire 4 courses.  I had to be rescued 1/4 of the way into the 3rd course.  We plan on going back this year so I can show the 3rd and 4th course who is boss!

Thank you again for reading and going on this journey with me!!

Weigh in. Week 3.

So I will start off by saying I am disappointed that nobody placed a guess for how much weight loss I would have this week!  I like fun silly games like that.  Next time I fully expect at least one reader to make a guesstimate! My guess for myself was that I would weigh 188.

 Anyway getting all that out of the way and onto the real question.  How much weight loss did I have this week?!  I LOST 5.2 pounds!

 I am now at a total of 6.8 pounds LOST in the past 2 weeks!  I now weigh 187.2. I am out of the 190's!  Hazah! How freaking exciting!  3.2 pounds of that was actual FAT loss and the rest was water.  They were very excited for me!  I was told that I am making great choices but still need to work on my carbohydrate intake.  This is becoming more of a lifestyle/habit now.  I know how much I can eat each meal and where I can make some cuts if I need to.  I have 2 cheats a week(I decided this on my own) one of which is my Diet Pepsi.  You would not believe how disappointed I was tonight when I went to Kroger, got through the check out and into the car only to realize I forgot my Diet Pepsi!  I swear I about crumbled right there!  So I am saving that particular cheat for tomorrow now.  I'm not sure what other cheat I will have over the weekend.  My guess is something sweet!  Eating lunch at work while everyone else eats whats catered in has gotten a whole lot easier.  I honestly thought I would have a harder time with it then I do.  I still don't see the physical changes but I know it will come with time.  I just wish time would speed up a little bit.  I need some self esteem boosts!
Tomorrow I start a "Get Fit Challenge" through Feet Fleet sports store.  The wonderful Dr that I work for registered me for the challenge.  She has a lot of confidence in me and I'm so thankful she is there to motivate and cheer me on!  So I will go get weighed in and take the dreaded sports bra and capris (they say shorts but I haven't shown off these ugly knees/legs for over 10 years and don't plan to start tomorrow)picture and get started with the challenge.  I will write all about that experience tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for reading and cheering me on through this journey! 

What is your guesstimate?

So the question is how much weight do you think I've lost this week? Weigh in number 3 is tomorrow morning!! I'm actually pretty excited for this one! I am sure I will be in the 180's. My guesstimate is 188.  I'm happy to be feeling better and getting my energy back. I plan on exercising it up this weekend! Stay tuned for tomorrow's post!!

Oh what a compliment can do.

I received my 1st compliment today!  I had a patient ask me if I had lost weight!  The best part is this was an OB patient who sees me every week.  So it wasn't as if it had been months since seeing me.  I have to say it made these past 2 weeks totally worth it to have someone notice.  I still don't feel much different or look any different but I guess something has changed.  I have noticed some very small changes like my scrubs feel roomier than before.  I still have to pull and tug on them because my butt is to large and in charge but they are looser.   Something looks different to other people (even if its just one person)and that feels wonderful.    So happy that my hard work was noticed.  One small compliment sure does go a long way!  I will have to pay that forward and make someone else feel just as amazing.

Not the start of the week I wanted.

After the weekend of cravings and wanting to eat everything I saw I ended up with the stomach flu. Not exactly how I imagined or wanted to lose weight.  The stomach bug has ran rampant through our house since last Friday. Ani started it and Noelle is finishing it.  This devil of a bug has caused nausea,vomiting,headache,chills,body aches,stomach cramps, and diarrhea. Horrible. Horrible!  So I've not ate much for the past 2 days and had to call in to work. I've made it difficult for the other nurses and my Dr but there was no way I could work let alone get out of bed. Since I am 3 days behind Anistyn with this fabulous bug she is feeling great and full of energy and I am laid out. Anyway it is nice to start feeling human again.  With all of this going on my diet and exercise have been put on hold. Hopefully things will be back on track tomorrow! The good thing is I'm not craving a damn thing!

Weekend woes.

I have to constantly remind myself

This weekend has been so hard!  Most of the weekend we have spent at home just relaxing with each other (Ani and Jason have both been sick) When you stay home for hours at a time all you want to do (at least I do) is eat.  The time has moved slowly and I've waited for every meal.  I know it is ridiculous but I am a food addict.  How pathetic is it to say that?!  Typically on Friday night we will order a pizza.  We will usually go through a drive through on Saturday as well.  So we have saved money in those regards (unless you look at the cost of fresh produce!) and the girls have ate much healthier which is a plus.  I've met my calorie goals and I'm proud of that but its that fun time of the month (you know what I'm saying ladies) when all I want is chocolate.  I would give you my big toe (exaggeration of course)  for a huge brownie ice cream concoction of some sort.  I went roaming through Walgreen's yesterday trying to find some kind of candy/chocolate that I could buy with few calories.  Just for your information that sort of candy/chocolate does not exist.  I looked at the nutrition label on multiple candies and didn't find any that I felt I could eat.  I walked out of there empty handed.  Hell HAS frozen over if I walk out of a store that I went into trying to find something sweet!  I find myself very frustrated right now.  I'm not able to get very creative with my meals because every "healthy"  recipe I find is 400-500 calories.  With the 900 calorie restriction I am on I can only have about 200-250 calories in my main meals.  They also want me to eat two snacks so I have to save calories for those in the day as well.  You cant make a whole hell of a lot with 250 calories. They are also wanting me to keep my carbohydrates below 100 a day.  So low calorie and low carbohydrates.  Urgh!  Everything that seems to be filling has a lot of carbs in them.  Its like a never ending  yo yo.  I am sure there will be some readers who beg to differ but so far its been difficult to find.

I swear I have dreams about nutrition labels!

I'm not the type of person who can eat the same thing day in and day out.  I like to mix things up and have variety in my day.   I felt in the beginning of the week that I was doing really good.  I felt like I was making my way uphill and getting the hang of things.  Now I realize I am far from getting the hang of things.
 It was beautiful outside yesterday so we took full advantage of that.  I did my kickboxing tape (which I STILL love) for 20 minutes and then the girls and I went for a walk.  It felt great to be outdoors.  I wanted to try and go for a run but something is holding me back.  It goes back to that lack of confidence thing.  I haven't ran for over 2 months now.  If my time sucks or I cant run a certain distance I know I will get pissed off and angry.  I've gotten into my head and it is not helping.  I tend to be my own worst enemy.
Its really difficult to keep going when you don't see any change.  I think that is the hardest part to changing your lifestyle and trying to lose weight.  As a woman I want immediate results (it drives my husband crazy!).  I want to see or feel that in some way my body is changing.  I know,I know its only been 12 days and my thinking is absurd and crazy but it would be nice to see something.  When I look in the mirror I am still extremely disgusted with what I see.  It sucks because our bathroom is surrounded by mirrors.  Jason of course loves it because he adores looking at himself especially after a good workout.  I will often take my clothes of in the shower behind the curtain so I don't have to see all THIS in the mirror.  I see my reflection in my phone screen or the rear view mirror of the car and it depresses me.  Not having the scale available at home is driving me crazy as well.  I know its for my own good but to see the numbers go down daily would help me.  Although seeing a number go up would make me want to go hold up McDonald's and eat everything I see.  So its a win/lose situation.   Ugh what a shit tastic couple of days.  With my diet and exercise yesterday I did manage to stay under 1100 calories.  I had a small binge and ate an entire bagel knowing it was going to destroy my calories for the day.
Since I still had the sweet cravings today I attempted a new recipe that a friend of my sent me on Facebook (Thank you Amber).

These turned out actually pretty good.  I didn't put raisins in them.  I added 2 tablespoons of mini chocolate chips instead.  I figured it out to be 92 calories a cookie.  Keep in mind they aren't filled with a lot of butter/flour/sugar so they do taste different.  Noelle didn't like it of course (I had no doubt) If I need a sweet option this is a good one though!
 

So that sums up the weekend.  I'm ready for Friday to get here so I can get some encouragement from the numbers on the scale.  Thanks for reading!

Today I cheated.

I cheated today and I don't even feel bad about it!  I had myself a 20 ounce diet Pepsi on ice and it was heavenly!!! I hereby claim Friday my little cheat day! I didn't go crazy for my indulgence. I don't even really want anything greasy or fattening.  I physically feel so much better having made all these changes. It feels really good to be in control of myself. I logged in under 900 calories today too! Go me!!

Kickboxing joys.

I did the Jillian Michaels "Kickbox Fast Fix" last night for the first time and LOVED it! 

While I lived in Germany I became obsessed with Les Mills body combat and body pump.  At that time in my life I had an abundant amount of time to myself and spent a lot of time in the gym (especially with Jason deployed and Noelle in school).  If you haven't heard of either programs or have never tried it I recommend finding a class near you! Both of them were so much fun and so torturous all at the same time.  This DVD was only 20 minutes and it seemed like 5!  At the end of it Noelle actually said "Its been 20 minutes already?!) It reminded me a lot of body combat.  A lot of punching and kicking was involved.  It makes you feel pretty bad ass and feel super cool!  It made me work up a sweat and I enjoyed every minute.  I would like to find a real kickboxing class here and give it a go. That is on my to do list!

The program is going and so am I.  Calorie counting has been very eye opening.  If you ever have a free moment download the "my fitness pal" app and log your food for a day.  You will be shocked by how many calories you are actually consuming.  All of the calorie counting has become a competition with myself.  I like to see what I can tweak here or there to get my calories and carbohydrates down.  I haven't really had to many serious cravings.  I'm sure I will eventually probably sooner than later but as for now I am feeling good.  I would still totally be fine with downing a Diet Pepsi on a daily basis!  I miss my crack! 

So what are your favorite exercises/programs?

37 calorie brownies. Say what?!

Remember the 37 calorie brownie recipe I posted on my Facebook? The picture above is what they looked like. Looks pretty damn delicious huh?
Well this is what they actually look like.

And blog readers they taste about as good as they REALLY look. Epic fail.  However Anistyn seems to love them. REAL brownies, fattening brownies are gooey ooey yuminess in every bite. These so called brownies are flat and floppy ( was Noelle's description). Just wanted to fill everyone in! Good luck if any of you all try and make them!

Weigh in. Week 2.

I had my second weigh in today with the MMC wellness clinic. I lost 1.6 pounds in 4 days. I'm not very thrilled with the number but my husband is. He thinks I did awesome. They told me that it was fat I lost as well(not muscle or water). They can tell with that handy dandy tanita print out.
So my new weight is 192.4. I'm telling you television shows like "The Biggest Loser" make it hard to get excited about a 1-2 pound weight loss. I know it is absurd to think in real life someone would lose 15 pounds in a week but I automatically go there. They did ask me if I get hungry through the day. I wanted to look at her and say "Are you serious?" but I didn't. Of course I am flipping hungry!!!  My calorie intake was reviewed and I was told that I was eating on the high end of my calorie restriction (1000 in stead of 900) and she didn't know why I was hungry. Well I am a fatty who just a week ago ate A LOT ALL THE TIME! That would be why my stomach is growling like a caged beast. They gave me a menu guideline and told me I was eating to many carbohydrates so I have to find a way to cut that down. They increased my Phentermine to twice a day and gave me the lipotrophic injection again today. 
So that's where I am folks.  I am hoping next week is better. 

Hard day.

This has been a hard day. I've felt off since I got up this morning. I don't know if it's the lack of caffeine, no chocolate, being hungry, lupus, or just a shitty day. Whatever it is has made for a long frustrating day. Normally on a day like this I would eat. It's taking a whole lot of willpower to not go inhale everything I can. I went over my allotted calories today as well and that irritates me. I'm hungry most of the day and I STILL go over my calories. Urgh!
I am starting to panic about my appointment with the weight loss clinic tomorrow. What if I haven't lost any weight?! I know that will destroy my confidence.
Tomorrow will be a new day and a new perspective I'm sure. Until then I must stay out of the kitchen!!!

Swish. Swish. Swish.

Do you know what makes that sound?  That is the sound that my thighs make when they rub together as I am walking!  Is it an attractive sound?  Hell No!  One of my biggest insecurities among many are my thighs.  I remember as a pre-teen I would get rashes on the inner thighs due to them rubbing together.  It bothered me then and still does to this day.  I am probably the only one who notices it (at least I sure hope so) as I walk down the hall but that is enough.  I cannot wait until I no longer hear that horrible sound. Hmmmm what are my other body image insecurities?  I hate my "roo pouch".  Do you know what the "roo pouch" is?  It is where my two precious roo's lived for 9 months.  It is where I now hold a whole lot of fat!  It is the area that is the hardest for me to get rid of.  I am thankful for my children and proud of the stretch marks but that damn "roo pouch" needs to go!  The third and final worst part of my body is my arms. The upper arms to be exact.  There is nothing worse than shaking a salt shaker and having your jiggly arm fat flapping behind it.  I know not the best visual but whatever works!  I hate brushing my teeth, clapping, waving, and now shaking a salt shaker all due to the flapping that comes with it.  I am hoping that I can lose the arm fat and not have loose disgusting skin left behind.  What are your insecurities?  Am I the only one who feels this disgusting?  I've said it before and it wasn't an exaggeration I have the worst self/body image.  I wonder if even when I lose the weight I will truly see a thinner person.  My insecurities even follow me to my dreams.  I once had a dream that I was naked (not pretty in and of its self) in a male shower room at a prison.  I was the only naked one and I was trying to cover myself while the jail birds pointed and laughed.  How wonderful was that to wake up from! 
In all honestly I just want to see a different person looking back.  I want to exude confidence.  I worry so much that my girls are going to have low self esteem because they see a mother who doesn't like herself much.  I try to not voice my insecurities when they are around but Noelle for sure knows how I feel about myself.  She already has low confidence in herself and I blame myself.  I just think this whole situation is going to better so many aspects in my life.  Sunday I had Noelle take the dreaded bra and panty pic for me.  I needed a good start picture to remind myself of just how grotesque I am at the moment.  I really never want to look like this again. With all the help from the weight loss clinic and friends reading and supporting me and this blog I think it will happen!

 As for how the day went today.....It started out good I ate about 360 in calories for breakfast.  Breakfast is still my highest calorie meal of the day.  By 10 I was hungry and ate a snack of celery with peanut butter.  By the way celery is very very low in calories! Lunch time rolled around and guess what the drug reps brought?!  Chick-fil-a.  So my first true temptation.  It was hard to get my little blue lunch box out of the refrigerator and head down to the conference room with everyone eating fast food.  It ended up not being quite as difficult as I though it would be however.  It was all good until the chocolate chip cookies came out.  Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE sweets especially chocolate! I just whipped out my little cup of applesauce and pretended it was a cookie.  Needless to say it wasn't the same by any means but I lived.  I felt better having stuck to my plan.  Lunches at work are going to be the hardest to handle.  I have a huge issue with willpower.  We get lunch catered in about 2-3 times a week.  Its never healthy food.  I am pretty proud that I sucked it up and didn't stray today.  I ended up at 1025 calories for the day.  I have been consistently logging numbers like that since Saturday.  Doing pretty good I think! 
Decided to do a new workout tape I bought yesterday "Dancing with the Stars/Fat burning cardio."  I have to say I didn't like it at all.  Noelle and I had a lot of laughs trying to look cool doing the moves but it was not for me! Not only did it make me feel stupid and more insecure it was really damn fast moving.  A human being who has never danced a day in their life are not meant to do this tape!  I think I will stick with the Biggest Loser DVD's!

Not so much a fan.

As always friends thanks for reading.  I am going to make a brownie recipe later this week or weekend!  I will let you know how it turns out!

A new way of thinking? yes please.

I made it through my calorie restriction yesterday without dying.  That is a success!  I was hungry pretty much all day yesterday.  I know friends are telling me to eat if I am hungry but if I did that I would not be taking steps in the right direction.  The only way for me to get a new frame of mind is to follow a plan.  I tend to be a more visual learner.  If I have everything mapped out/written down I can follow the directions and make strides in the right direction.  I tweaked my breakfast today to make it lower in calorie so I could use more of my calorie reserve later in the day when I am getting so hungry. 
My kindle is still in one piece as well.  Tracking my calories got easier as the day went on.  I hate to say it but I started to actually enjoy it! Shhhhhhh don't tell anyone!  Once I visually (remember my learning style) saw the calorie intake it was more of a game to me. 
So yes I was starving yesterday but today so far is easier.  Its actually been somewhat of a relief to not be swarming the kitchen trying to find food.  I have been able to get a whole heck of a lot more done since I am being more active.  Instead of being lazy on the couch yesterday I cleaned A LOT.  Instead of laying on the couch being lazy today I turned on some music and danced with my kids in the living room!
I also did a biggest loser exercise tape yesterday.  I did 30 minutes of Cardio Max and was in so much pain!  The best part of doing this tape was seeing my girls doing it beside me.  It felt amazing that because I was exercising they were to.  What an amazing feeling as a mother!  I spend the majority of my day feeling guilty for things I am not or cannot do for my children.  I have always felt guilty for eating poorly and not promoting good eating habits.  Not that my girls eat fried foods all the time but I think you understand.  I am excited to be a source of health, fitness, and inspiration to my children.


This DVD kicked my ass!  My muscles are screaming at me today!  How do you stretch a butt muscle?!  What did doing this DVD show me?  I am VERY out of shape!  It also showed me that I have a whole lot of room to grow stronger.  That is exciting!
Do any of you have a favorite exercise DVD or workout?  Please share!



 

On another note if you recall I was freaking out about NO DIET COKE/PEPSI, well the NP told me to try Diet Coke with Splenda if I couldn't stop cold turkey.  I immediately left the office and went to Publix to get said "better for me" diet coke.  I excitedly popped one open yesterday and poured if over my ice filled cup.  I was so ready to enjoy a soda!  Ummmmm yeah, I cant say I enjoyed it at all!  I think it was disgusting.  A side note on the no diet coke.....I have had issues with headaches for the past month or so.  Ive had one every single day.  I had no diet pepsi (aspartame) yesterday and no headache.  I am anxious to see if the headaches stay away.



I so appreciate all of you reading and leaving comments.  I know some of you are worried about the regimen that the wellness center has me on.  Keep in mind it is all medically supervised.  I will be going every single week to be checked on.  I was told if I continually feel hungry to let them know, and I will.  This has honestly started to help me change my way of thinking.  I am more in tune with what I prepare to put in my mouth.  I plan on trying out some new recipe's this week!  I will post all about them!

 

Urgh.

Tools to frustrate the hell out of you!

As part of this program I have to keep a journal with all of the foods I've eaten (which wont be much with the restriction) and calories consumed.  I absolutely DESPISE counting calories and looking at labels!  Could be part of my problem right?!  Anyway it was recommended that I get the My Fitness Pal app.  So last night I got it all situated on the phone to prepare for the insanity today.  Well needless to say it is 8:55 and I am just sitting down to actually eating what I typed in because it took me 45 freakin minutes!  I know it seems ridiculous but good grief.  There is a million and one options for SKIM MILK.  Its bloody skim milk!  C'mon now!  Anyway I got it all put in there without throwing my kindle out of the window or stomping the hell out of it (yet)!  Go me!  Send me some good juju vibes that the rest of the day is a little easier to input!  After breakfast I have a total of 604 calories left to eat today.  Hmmm I think I may starve.

The verdict is. Dum Dum Dum!

I'm very fat!  I went to the MMC weight loss clinic today and spent 1 1/2 hours there to get started in the program.  I have to say that I am so excited to start this! 
When I first got there today I got weighed in.  That was a slap in the face as usual. I was however prepared because I had gotten on the scale at work the week before (if you recall from yesterday I said I was 195).  This however was a fancy scale that measured a multitude of different things.  My start weight for the program is 194. My BMI is a whopping 37.9.  I have a whole lot of room for improvement.

There it is folks in digital greatness!  I hope to NEVER EVER see that number again!

                                                                          TANITA

Tanita body composition analyzer is what I will get every week when I go in. This analysis includes a number of measurements that provides an in depth look at my specific body composition.  It will be there in black and white every time I step on the scale.

After all of the pleasantries (yeah right) were out of the way I went through my history/habits, got measured, and a lovely picture taken. 

 

I then met with the NP and had a physical exam, EKG and LipoB injection.  I was also prescribed Metformin which will help reduce insulin resistance.  Insulin is a fat storage hormone.  The more insulin released and circulating in the body the more fat is stored in the body.  Hopefully this medication will kick the heck out of my belly fat!  I was also given Phentermine.  This will aid in helping to suppress my appetite along with giving me energy.  I am to also take fish oil and a multi vitamin.  The last and final stop on this Day 1 adventure was talking to the nutrition counselor.  I was given paperwork with many food options, portion control pictures, and my 900-1000 calorie recommendation.  You heard me correctly 900-1000 calories!!!!  If you see me and I have no arms I have eaten them!  Just kidding (maybe).  You catch my drift though.  This is going to be tough!  I have to start tracking calories, drinking a whole heck of a lot more water and STOP DRINKING DIET COKE/PEPSI!!!!  I may just die.  I cannot imagine going a day without my caffeine.  I apologize now to friends, family, and coworkers.  I may be a BIG B-5 for a few weeks!!!  I have to stop Monday to get my fasting labs and then I will be set.  Next weigh in will be 01/08/2014.  So hoping I lose some poundage!

As for how I did today I feel I did great!  Am I hungry?  for damn sure.  On the plus side though I have stuck with it!

 

And on another note I tried to make kale chips tonight.  They were DISGUSTING!

For dinner I made cabbage, smoked hardwood turkey sausage and cherry tomatoes topped with toasted almonds.  It was yummy!

 

Thanks for reading friends!

 

Weight struggles

I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight.  I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't worried about weight gain and body image.  I know that's something normal for a woman to feel but I often let it control every facet of my life.  I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I've been a yo-yo dieter my entire adult life.  I have the tendency to do really well and then make one mistake and give up.  I have to say that those are not my best qualities that's for sure. 
When I was a freshman in high school I was a size 5-7 and by graduation I was a size 9.  I of course thought that I was HUGE!  Little did I know that by the time I got married 2 years later I would be wearing a size 12 wedding dress.  By the time I got pregnant for the first time with Noelle I was 170 pounds.  After delivery I dropped to 160 and stayed there for a short time.  Over the next couple of years my size ranged from 11-16.  In 2004 I was the heaviest I had ever been.  I weighed 207 pounds and was close to a size 20.  I was fat, miserable and unhappy.  I decided that I was not going to buy anymore clothes especially "big girl" clothes.  I ended up going to the  doctor and said I needed help.  With the assistance of Phentermine I lost 50 pounds and felt amazing. The phentermine helped me with suppressing my appetite but I did very little in the fitness department.   I stayed around 150 for awhile but life as usual got in the way and I am a habitual emotional/stress eater.  I always turn to food and then feel hopeless and disgusting.  While Jason was deployed in 2010 I started exercising a lot and really enjoyed getting/feeling stronger.  I was finally taking time for myself.  I lost 20 pounds that year he was gone.  It seems that I have never been able to incorporate diet and fitness all at the same time.  If I succeeded at that I would look awesome!  LOL!  Once Jason came home from deployment I got pregnant straight out of the gate.  I only gained 3 pounds with Anistyn.  I was 193 pounds when I went in for delivery and walked out 185.  I got down to 163 (a number I had not seen in quite some time) but did not stay there for very long.  We moved back to the states 12/2012 and I gained 30 pounds in the first year here.  For the majority of my adult life I have been a size 16.  The last time I stepped on the scale I was 195 pounds.  Yes I am blushing right now because that is horribly embarrassing.  I would love nothing more than to get below 150 pounds and fit my happy ass into a size 10.  I would love to wear some cute shorts (I have not wore shorts in public since I was 15) and feel confident walking down the street.  I would love more to feel like I was good enough for my husband.  I always feel that others are looking at us when we are together wondering why a hot, sexy, fit man is with a short, fat, unhealthy girl (not looking for sympathy just being brutally honest).
 I found over the summer that I thoroughly enjoy exercising, especially running/jogging. I found so much exhilaration with running in the two races I did in 2013.  I hope that with this blog, persistence, and determination I will be able to get on course and succeed with diet and fitness as a team.  I dream of being healthy! 

My very first race ever!  I had so much fun doing the color run especially having my sweet Noelle running beside me.

We finished and still have enough energy to jump!

The WWP 8 K was very daunting.  This was the first race that I ran solo.  It was truly the most amazing experience ever. 

Sweet relief!  I made it across the finish line still in 1 piece!

As for progress over the past 2 days.....I have ate great and stayed to my plan.  Jason put me through a workout last night (walking the stairs, wall sit, crunches, pushups, plank) and of course today every muscle in my body is screaming.  Who knew that a person could get so incredibly out of shape in such a short time!  Exercise and Lupus together make for a fine lined dance of sorts.  Exercise is great for the disease but exercise can make your disease flare and cause intense pain if you over do it even in the slightest bit.  Makes life frustrating sometimes.  My mind set has not changed much yet however.  I still think about food/hunger all day and see nothing but an obese woman looking back at me.  I will get there though I have no doubt :)  Thanks for reading friends!  Tomorrow I will have my official weigh in and measurements to share! 

2014 breakfast recipe.

Its 2014 ladies and gentleman!  How was your New Years Eve splurging?  I have to say I feel really sloth like today and not very hungry at all!  I definitely overdid it last night.  Instead of dwelling on that though I woke up and have been mindful of everything I've put in my mouth.  This morning I made a new healthy recipe of scrambled egg muffins.  They turned out great and were actually very good!  They are filled with lots of protein!  My picky husband even liked them.  That's always an added plus.

Scrambled egg muffins

9 eggs

1/2 c spinach

1/3 c skim milk

1/3 c white wheat flour

1/4 c cheese

1 tbsp basil

1 chopped tomato

1/2 tsp sea salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1/4 c of rotel for a kick

 

Whisk your eggs and then stir in the other ingredients.  Preheat oven to 350 and cook for 25-30 minutes.  I used a mini muffin tin so that they would be bite sized.  I even added some greek yogurt to the finished product and "Mmmm Mmmm delicious!"

I am very excited to try new and different recipes this year!  If you have a good one please share!