Baby steps.

I've done better this week but not great by any means. My head is still not fully back in the game. Not even close really.  I'm making itty bitty baby steps in the right direction.  I see the disappointment in Jason's face and it makes it really hard to look at him. He was so proud of how well I was doing and how far I had come. I'm really hoping that July brings less stress and more time to focus.  For now the baby steps are going to have to suffice.  I'm trying to balance time for myself and time for my family in my future plans. Right now my main focus has been on my family.  I realize without me getting healthy I am detrimental to the success of my family.  I am weighed down with guilt a lot right now.  I am working and away from home a lot and Ani is seeking negative attention from me.  She wants nothing more than for me to be home 24/7 and all of my attention be placed on her precious little self.  There is no way I could have mothered more than two children.  I feel consumed by guilt all the time.  One of the perks of being a mother I guess?  This weight loss journey is seriously a part time job.  I will get it figured out. I have too.

Slippery Slope.

I have not posted for a few weeks because I have been hiding. I am no longer a inspiration to anyone especially myself.  I have fallen and can't seem to find my way back up.  The past two months have brought so much frustration, worry, and stress.  I cannot seem to figure out a way to relieve my stress other than eating.  I don't even feel good when I do binge eat. I feel guilty the entire time I am shoving food in my face.  I guess I get instant gratification but then feel like a fat cow. I see all of the progress I had made going away.  The inches I have lost are back. I have gained a good 10 pounds in 2 months.  I wish that my mentality would change.  I wish I could relieve my stress in a healthy way.  I wish.  Anyone can wish but only the strong make things happen.  I always say I am a self sabatoger and these past 2 months are proof of that.  I am always my own worst enemy.  I feel like I am a record playing the same song over and over again.  I seriously feel like I need a fat girl support group.  I need to figure out ways to lift myself up instead of beating myself down.  I had big plans to run races this year and get fit.  So far half the year has passed and neither one of those have happened.  I am currently in physical therapy for my back.  The MRI showed some mild to moderate disk bulging and I was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease.  Basically I have a old fucking back.  I posted my beautiful day 1 of the gym picture a couple weeks ago.  I was ready to start fresh and get fit.  I ended up only being able to walk for 15 minutes before my back felt like it was on fire and shooting pains were running down my leg.  I haven't been back since.  It hurts to try and stand to cook let alone run.  So I am at the mercy of the physical therepist.  I want more than anything to be a confident person who feels like I deserve to be healthy.  My brain is so twisted all the time when it comes to self image and self worth.  I was hoping to write a "life is fabulous" blog entry but this is my reality.  The battle to lose weight rages on.  I hope some of you all are doing better than me.