Self esteem

I often wonder if there will ever be a weight that I can get to where I will not feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have lost the twenty pounds and am so proud of myself but I still see a whole lot of fat when I look in the mirror.  I look down in the shower and critique everything.  I will stand in front of the mirror and lift the fat up from my stomach and daydream about how I would look without it.  I do the same thing with my outer thighs and my breasticles.  My thighs and hips are so big and always have been.  I have the hardest time losing fat in those areas.  If you really want a visual my thighs measure 27 inches.  That my friends is as big as a average persons WAIST!  My old jeans still don't feel much different to me.  I hear stories of people losing 20 pounds and dropping 3 pant sizes.  How does that happen?!  Ive dropped 20 pounds and the only clothing change I've noticed is that I need new bras because my boobs have gotten smaller.  I am still wearing size large shirts although they are roomier in the waist.  I honestly just want to feel good about myself.  I know the outside physicality isn't all that matters but to me it means a lot. I often make jokes about myself because its easier to deal with that way.  It may sound harsh to people who read what I write about myself but to me it's a coping skill. Being able to type out all of my thoughts on this journey has helped me immensely.   I just want the inside to match the outside as cliche as that sounds.  Don't get me wrong I am so thankful that I am losing the lard!  I just wish (my husband HATES to hear "I wish") I could see more changes.  I guess in reality everyone wishes they could have more or do more or see more.  I just have to keep trucking along and lose the weight slowly. Its been almost 3 months since I started this blog and my "change in lifestyle".  This is the longest period of time that I have EVER stuck to a weight loss plan. My old self would have given up and thrown in the towel long ago. The end of February was difficult for me as I didn't lose any weight for two weigh ins in a row.  2013 Autumn would have said F-it give me a candy bar!  I'm proud of myself for continuing.  I'm a little nervous about doing it on my own soon. In two weeks my time with the weight loss clinic will be done.  I guess that will be my true test.  I'm scared but I think I will be okay. I've changed a lot. I've learned how to portion my food and count calories. I look at labels now which makes a huge difference and helps immensely.  I have to think ahead and remember that in three months I've lost 20 pounds so it is feasible to be able to lose 60 pounds in 9 months!  Slow and steady wins the race right?!  I know that this will never be over. I know that I will always have a love/hate relationship with food.  I'll never be able to eat whatever I want and get away with it. At least I have realized it will be a lifelong battle.  Suck it up and lose the lard!!!