1 year ago today I was sitting in Dr. Westmoreland's office getting ready to discuss weight loss surgery options. I remember sitting there terrified as I had never had a surgery before and I didn't know what to expect. I was embarrassed that I had gotten to the point of having to talk about surgery to fix my weight problem. As exciting as this journey has been it has not come without a lot of shame and sense of judgement. I am asked all the time how I have lost the weight. I find myself constantly taking a deep breath and over thinking how the conversation will play out once I mention gastric bypass. I am guessing that I am not alone in my thinking. Other weight loss surgery patients have to feel this way right??? I think the always a "fat girl" mentality will forever leave me feeling judged. I think that is natural. How long do I answer "I had weight loss surgery"? 5 years from now do I still attribute my weight loss to surgery? At what point is it okay to say diet and exercise? Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself. I know that this has not been easy. My family and close friends know this has been incredibly difficult. It has not come with a manual.
I've obviously changed physically with this surgery. I have changed more mentally than anything I feel. I decided to put myself first and rid my life of negative influences. I've lost weight but gained confidence. I realized that I do matter and I can be happy with myself. With this weight loss has come so much joy. I love buying clothes now. I love walking into stores and being able to go to the junior section without hesitation. I love having no fear of stepping on a scale. I love having my girls wrap their arms around me effortlessly. I love having Jason pick me up off the ground in a hug. I love not standing in my closet crying with nothing to wear. I love standing beside Jason and feeling like we compliment eachother. I love that I now enjoy and crave healthy food. I love making healthy meals. I love life.
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