Cleaning out my closet.

Today I did my 3rd closet clean out.  It is truly fabulous to go through my old clothes and see how many of them I can put in a pile to get rid of.  I pull out each piece of clothing and remember how I felt when I put them on for the first time.  I remember the struggle of trying to get jeans up over my thighs. I remember trying on each shirt and hating myself and the way I looked in each of them.  I remember looking in the mirror and seeing all of the excess rolls through each piece of fabric.  I remember the trips to the store looking through racks of clothes and hoping they would fit when I got home because I absolutely hated going into fitting rooms.  I tried on clothes multiple times with my eyes closed or focused on the door of a fitting room so I didn't have to watch the struggle and be disgusted.  I always felt disgusting enough and avoided mirrors at all costs. There is a sense of satisfaction being able to pick up each pair of jeans and each shirt and throw them into a pile and never have to look at them again.
I actually LOVE shopping now.  I can go into any store and find my size everywhere. These are cute clothes too!  Before I was limited to the plus size section or sometimes as embarrassing as it is I would go to the maternity department.  I can remember many times searching for something cute and not having any luck.  I have no trouble looking through racks of clothes and finding things I love now.   I am now in a size 9/10 pant and medium shirts.  I am smaller than I was the day I got married <3. I am now the size I was when Jason and I first met.  It's pretty amazing to realize that.  I remember on our first date I was wearing a size 9.  Those little revelations are a big deal for me.

I weighed this morning and I was 149.8! I have hit a new weight class. I literally shrieked with excitement when I saw that number.  Weight is not coming off as fast anymore but I am still losing about 7 pounds a month.  Everytime I step on the scale I have new found excitement.  Most of the time it's only a ounce or two and at times no change at all but I love it.
April Measurements:   (loss since March)
Arm: 12 (.5in)
Breasts: 35(1in)
Waist: 30 (.5)
Stomach: 35.5(1.75)
Hips: 41.5(1.5)
Calve: 15(.25)

Ive had a pretty rough week emotionally and it's been difficult trying to figure out what to do with the stress and extra anxiety.  Before weight loss surgery I would eat my stress away.  I can't say I handled the anxiety well this week at all. I cried a lot and lashed out at people that didn't deserve it.  I became very introverted and depressed.  When I started this journey in June of last year and after my initial visit with my psych Dr I made the conscious decision to separate myself from my mother as much as possible.  It was recommended by psych to start this journey without her.  My mom was a huge factor in my lack of self confidence and self worth.  I've had a pretty tumultuous relationship with her my entire adult life.  I held a lot of anger and animosity toward her.  Many decisions I've made in life (one huge decision was moving out of Pinckneyville) have been to separate myself from her toxicity.  I'm trying hard to not completely bash my mother but she is a huge factor in my weight problems and self image.  I haven't mentioned her much before because she would read my blog and I didn't want to make more waves in the relationship than necessary.  After my surgery I slowly let her back into my life, cautiously but it happened.  I quit going to psych (worst idea ever) and here we are.  This past week my mom decided to tell me that she would be free without me in her life.  Talk about a kick in the gut.  Yes, I am putting her on blast but this is my platform.  I am free to express myself here and if family and friends of ours don't want to read this they are free to hit close in the upper right hand corner.  I never ever thought I would have my mother say she would be free of me. What kind of mother says that? I realized with those words she actually freed me.  I let her hurtful (and there were many) words affect me for over a week and today I was freed.  I realized that without her negativity I am free. I am free to focus on myself, my husband, and my kids.  I'm free to not think of myself as a shitty person.  I am free to be the bigger person.  I can be a better person, mother, and wife without her in my life.  Is it sad? Hell yes.  Does it hurt? An even bigger hell yes. I needed to let go of her to be a better me.  So tomorrow on Mothers Day I am going to enjoy my beautiful girls.  I am going to celebrate getting to be their mommy.  I'm going to cherish each hug, smile, and laugh.  I am going to bottle up each "I love you".  Those two girls were my priority in deciding to get this surgery.  I wanted them to see a happy, healthy, self confident woman.  I wanted them to see that I have self worth and in turn they are just as worthy.  I never want them to look in the mirror and think they are fat.  I never want them to think they are anything less than amazing.  So on this Mothers Day Eve I wish you all a wonderful day to come. Hug those babies close and shower them with your love. Let them know they are worth it.