Goals.

Today I exceeded my weight loss goal. My goal weight has been 130 while the DR's goal weight is 120. I was shocked when I got on the scale today and saw 129.6. I am down 109 pounds since I started this journey! How amazing is that????! This has truly been such a life change. All of the struggles have been worth it. I am happy with who I am inside and out.

Summer Summer Summertime.

This has truly been such an amazing summer. A truly amazing year really.  I attribute it all to my weight loss, family, and friends.
At the beginning of the summer I severed ties with my Mom. As hard as that step was it has overall been the best thing I could have done for my own mental health.  I was not going to be able to move forward and be the best me I could be by dealing continually with her narcissistic antics.  I am blessed with an amazing counselor who has helped me try and understand this process.  She told me today that I look so happy.  She said she has never seen me laugh and smile so much.  That may have been a huge loss in my life but through it I found myself.
In June I was able to see my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 15+ years. It was so nice to catch up and spend a few hours with him.

I was blessed this summer to get to see my best friend Amanda.  I met Amanda in Germany through the military and she has been a God send.  She is a forever friend whom I love so much.  Her children have a special spot in my life as well.  She has been such a huge support through this surgery. She is always texting words of encouragement and checking in to see how I am doing.  It's amazing to have a friend turn into a sister.

This summer Jason and I had the pleasure of going on a overnight date to Nashville. It was fabulous being able to spend time together without kids and just focus on our relationship.  I had so much fun going shopping for a date outfit and then having the energy to bar hop and let loose!

July proved to be even more fabulous when I got to spend the weekend with my best friend of 20+ years Joyce.  I met Joyce at my very first job and we have been friends ever since. We don't hear from eachother much but when we saw eachother time had never seemed to pass.

I finished the month of July by going to Sevierville and spending time with my Aunt Lynn and Aunt Kim. I had the most amazing time at their home. Lynn has been a God send for me. She is not just my Aunt but has really stepped in as my mother and best friend.  She has helped me through this surgery and every aspect of life.  I am able to ask her any questions I have and tell her anything I need to and I don't ever feel judged.  It was so fun sitting around her kitchen table drinking and chatting.  While visiting I was able to bungee jump. That was something I never thought I would do.  As scary as it was it was freeing.  I know that weighing 106 pounds heavier I wouldn't of taken that leap.

It is awesome to have such an amazing support system.  I wouldn't be able to walk through this journey alone.  I may of started the summer with loss but I am ending the summer with my heart full.  I am excited for the rest of my life!

1 year ago.

1 year ago today I was sitting in Dr. Westmoreland's office getting ready to discuss weight loss surgery options.  I remember sitting there terrified as I had never had a surgery before and I didn't know what to expect. I was embarrassed that I had gotten to the point of having to talk about surgery to fix my weight problem. As exciting as this journey has been it has not come without a lot of shame and sense of judgement.  I am asked all the time how I have lost the weight.  I find myself constantly taking a deep breath and over thinking how the conversation will play out once I mention gastric bypass.  I am guessing that I am not alone in my thinking. Other weight loss surgery patients have to feel this way right???  I think the always a "fat girl" mentality will forever leave me feeling judged.  I think that is natural.  How long do I answer "I had weight loss surgery"?  5 years from now do I still attribute my weight loss to surgery?  At what point is it okay to say diet and exercise?  Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself.  I know that this has not been easy. My family and close friends know this has been incredibly difficult. It has not come with a manual.

1 year ago today I was drinking my very first protein shake.  Was that really me????! I don't even recognize that girl.  As of today I am down 106 pounds.  1 year and 106 pounds!!

I've obviously changed physically with this surgery. I have changed more mentally than anything I feel.  I decided to put myself first and rid my life of negative influences.  I've lost weight but gained confidence.  I realized that I do matter and I can be happy with myself.  With this weight loss has come so much joy.  I love buying clothes now. I love walking into stores and being able to go to the junior section without hesitation.  I love having no fear of stepping on a scale.  I love having my girls wrap their arms around me effortlessly.  I love having Jason pick me up off the ground in a hug.  I love not standing in my closet crying with nothing to wear.  I love standing beside Jason and feeling like we compliment eachother.  I love that I now enjoy and crave healthy food.  I love making healthy meals.  I love life.

The small things.

I went clothes shopping tonight to try and find a sexy outfit for a date I have with my hubby tomorrow. I realized quickly that even though I am 102 pounds lighter I still hate shopping! I still find it incredibly tedious and stressful!  I went to Express and searched all over for a size 10 in shorts or a skirt. I got frustrated because most of their clothes didn't go up past a size 4! Yeah who wears a 4??? Most of their clothes were a size 0 or 00.  I wrangled a salesman to help me find a jean skirt in my size.  He found 1 skirt that was a size 8 so I journeyed into the dressing room to try on this damn skirt that wasn't even my size.  To my completely elated surprise the skirt went over my hips with ease and was actually to big! A size 8 was TO BIG! Holy hell! I needed a size 6!  I cannot even tell you the last time I wore a size 6.  I have no idea.  It was truly an amazing feeling to have. I ended up leaving the store with nothing but a smile because I needed a size 6 and they didn't have one for me! A size 6! Hah!!!
Another NSV moment I've had is someone at work I only see in passing stopped me today to tell me that I looked great and she couldn't believe how much weight I have lost.  It was an amazing feeling to have someone I rarely see notice the changes!
This doesn't all come without frustration and hard times. It's not always unicorns and rainbows but when things like this happen it makes it all worth it.  To feel good about myself is long overdue and welcomed.

I did it!

I am down 100 pounds since I started my journey 08/10/2015!  My highest weight was 238.6 and this morning I weighed in at 137.8!

100 POUNDS! I am so incredibly proud of this accomplishment.  It's been a long road and not easy AT ALL but I did it! I am 7.8 pounds away from my personal goal of 130 pounds and I have all the confidence in the world that I will get there soon.

 Seeing pictures of myself is so surreal.  I see a happy confident woman now. I am now in a size 9 pant and a small shirt.

 Those were my largest pants! I cannot believe I ever wore those. I pulled them out and showed Noelle the other day and she was shocked. She can't remember me ever being that big.

 At my 1 year surgiversary I plan to fit my happy ass into 1 pant leg.

Beautiful Imperfections.

Today I realized that I have beautiful imperfections.  I had a budoir shoot done today with Allen Manus. This shoot was booked in January with the hope that I would have lost enough weight to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I ordered lingerie months in advance guesstimating what size I would wear 6 months later.  When I first got the outfits and tried them on I remember thinking "how in the hell is my fat ass going to be shoved into these and what in the hell was I thinking???!". As I lost the weight I started fitting in things with more ease and I started to feel a little better about myself everytime.  Some people think a budoir shoot is silly to get done. If you lack in self confidence and esteem it is a bucket list to do.  I spent 2 hours today getting my hair and makeup done and then 2 hours getting pictures done.  It was a day to do something for myself.  I never once felt awkward or out of place. With every outfit change I felt a bigger boost of confidence.  By the last outfit I felt like a bad ass bitch who could conquer the world! I felt sexy, confident and okay with the imperfections I possess.  I'm 97 pounds lighter and I feel like a brand new person.

Single digits!!! What?????

Today I fit into a size 9 pair of jeans!!! A size 9! I may not be losing weight very quickly anymore but the inches are still falling off and I love it!

I was a size 9 when I went on my first date with Jason! I quickly moved out of that size once we got together so this feels like uncharted territory. I feel so wonderful about the progress I've made!! I went to my 9 month check with Dr Westmoreland and he said that I am doing great! My thyroid labs are all normal and I have officially been off my Synthroid for 2 months! My thyroid is back to normal with my weight loss! How fantastic is that!!?? I'm now only taking medication for my stomach (Omeprazole) and a anti depressant (prozac) so I dont kill people ;)  My Lupus and Fibromyalgia are doing pretty awesome too!  I have been able to spend time in the sun with Anistyn and not get deathly sick which is a nice change.  I still have some bad days but nothing like I used too.  He said that at this point people should lose approximately 80 pounds and I am down 94 since August (when I started my journey) and 87 since October (my surgery).  I was actually told by a co-worker that I am wasting away and they are worried about me. I still have more weight loss in this journey. I am still considered overweight.  My journey isn't done just yet.

I came out in this outfit and Anistyn said "Mommy you look beautiful". That was the best compliment  I have ever gotten. I am so thankful that she sees the confidence I have in myself and thinks I am beautiful.  My main reason for this surgery was to gain self worth and self esteem. I am getting there every day.

Comfortable in my skin.

I realized I haven't posted in awhile!! To say I've been busy and dealing with a lot is a understatement!
I weighed in this morning at 145.6 and I am down 93 pounds!!! I cannot believe I am so close to 100 pounds! I've almost lost an entire person. It boggles my mind.

Last weekend we took a trip to Florida  to visit with my grandma, family, and friends. It was a nice break from life here.  My biggest NSV (non scale victory ) while away was walking around the beach in a two piece and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Never before would you find me first of all in a two piece and NEVER walking around without a towel or a cover-up on.  I still have a long way to go in the confidence department but it feels amazing to have some self esteem.

I found some pieces of myself over the weekend that were missing.  I spent a lot of time talking to my grandma whom I love and I know loves me.  I spent time with my Aunt and cousins and it was light and happy. There was no stress being around them.  I could be myself and enjoy the company.  I didn't feel like I was being scrutinized and judged.  I felt like I belonged and it was a good feeling.

I had another NSV yesterday! I actually walked into Victoria Secret and was fitted for a bra and I bought new panties! I bought size medium panties at Victoria Secret!  What???!  I found out that I am a 32 DDD. I'm really wondering what letter of the alphabet I was before I had surgery! Holy hell still a triple D???!  It was awesome to walk into what I consider a  "skinny" girl store and find stuff that fit.

The journey is still continuing and it's amazing.

New weight class.

I am now in the 140's!! Holy hell I can't believe this is my life!! As of yesterday morning I weighed 147.6 and am down 91 pounds!! I can't believe that in 9 more pounds I will have lost 100 pounds!! The confidence this has given me has been the best gift.

Cleaning out my closet.

Today I did my 3rd closet clean out.  It is truly fabulous to go through my old clothes and see how many of them I can put in a pile to get rid of.  I pull out each piece of clothing and remember how I felt when I put them on for the first time.  I remember the struggle of trying to get jeans up over my thighs. I remember trying on each shirt and hating myself and the way I looked in each of them.  I remember looking in the mirror and seeing all of the excess rolls through each piece of fabric.  I remember the trips to the store looking through racks of clothes and hoping they would fit when I got home because I absolutely hated going into fitting rooms.  I tried on clothes multiple times with my eyes closed or focused on the door of a fitting room so I didn't have to watch the struggle and be disgusted.  I always felt disgusting enough and avoided mirrors at all costs. There is a sense of satisfaction being able to pick up each pair of jeans and each shirt and throw them into a pile and never have to look at them again.
I actually LOVE shopping now.  I can go into any store and find my size everywhere. These are cute clothes too!  Before I was limited to the plus size section or sometimes as embarrassing as it is I would go to the maternity department.  I can remember many times searching for something cute and not having any luck.  I have no trouble looking through racks of clothes and finding things I love now.   I am now in a size 9/10 pant and medium shirts.  I am smaller than I was the day I got married <3. I am now the size I was when Jason and I first met.  It's pretty amazing to realize that.  I remember on our first date I was wearing a size 9.  Those little revelations are a big deal for me.

I weighed this morning and I was 149.8! I have hit a new weight class. I literally shrieked with excitement when I saw that number.  Weight is not coming off as fast anymore but I am still losing about 7 pounds a month.  Everytime I step on the scale I have new found excitement.  Most of the time it's only a ounce or two and at times no change at all but I love it.
April Measurements:   (loss since March)
Arm: 12 (.5in)
Breasts: 35(1in)
Waist: 30 (.5)
Stomach: 35.5(1.75)
Hips: 41.5(1.5)
Calve: 15(.25)

Ive had a pretty rough week emotionally and it's been difficult trying to figure out what to do with the stress and extra anxiety.  Before weight loss surgery I would eat my stress away.  I can't say I handled the anxiety well this week at all. I cried a lot and lashed out at people that didn't deserve it.  I became very introverted and depressed.  When I started this journey in June of last year and after my initial visit with my psych Dr I made the conscious decision to separate myself from my mother as much as possible.  It was recommended by psych to start this journey without her.  My mom was a huge factor in my lack of self confidence and self worth.  I've had a pretty tumultuous relationship with her my entire adult life.  I held a lot of anger and animosity toward her.  Many decisions I've made in life (one huge decision was moving out of Pinckneyville) have been to separate myself from her toxicity.  I'm trying hard to not completely bash my mother but she is a huge factor in my weight problems and self image.  I haven't mentioned her much before because she would read my blog and I didn't want to make more waves in the relationship than necessary.  After my surgery I slowly let her back into my life, cautiously but it happened.  I quit going to psych (worst idea ever) and here we are.  This past week my mom decided to tell me that she would be free without me in her life.  Talk about a kick in the gut.  Yes, I am putting her on blast but this is my platform.  I am free to express myself here and if family and friends of ours don't want to read this they are free to hit close in the upper right hand corner.  I never ever thought I would have my mother say she would be free of me. What kind of mother says that? I realized with those words she actually freed me.  I let her hurtful (and there were many) words affect me for over a week and today I was freed.  I realized that without her negativity I am free. I am free to focus on myself, my husband, and my kids.  I'm free to not think of myself as a shitty person.  I am free to be the bigger person.  I can be a better person, mother, and wife without her in my life.  Is it sad? Hell yes.  Does it hurt? An even bigger hell yes. I needed to let go of her to be a better me.  So tomorrow on Mothers Day I am going to enjoy my beautiful girls.  I am going to celebrate getting to be their mommy.  I'm going to cherish each hug, smile, and laugh.  I am going to bottle up each "I love you".  Those two girls were my priority in deciding to get this surgery.  I wanted them to see a happy, healthy, self confident woman.  I wanted them to see that I have self worth and in turn they are just as worthy.  I never want them to look in the mirror and think they are fat.  I never want them to think they are anything less than amazing.  So on this Mothers Day Eve I wish you all a wonderful day to come. Hug those babies close and shower them with your love. Let them know they are worth it.

Bariatric Celebration.

Tonight I had the honor of spending my evening with all of my fellow bariatric peeps.  I was able to put some faces to names and honored to listen to and see everyone's journeys.  I have never felt so comfortable being around a group of mostly strangers.  I knew walking in that these people had all been through the same journey.  We all had walked through life hating who we were and made a change to become better healthier people.  I spoke to those who are part of the bariatric program team and a couple of them had no idea who I was!  I was able to say "it's me Autumn" and see the "ah ha" moment come across their faces. That is a feeling I could never describe.  Only those who have been through this process know how fantastic that feels.
I was introduced, said a few words and walked down the red carpet. Me, in front of a whole lot of people strutting my stuff.  I even did a victory dance to end my walk! I've lost 76.4 pounds since surgery day and 86.4 since I started my journey.

It felt so amazing showing off all of the hard work.  I felt confident and proud. Those are two words that haven't been in my vocabulary in a very long time if ever.

I would do this all over again in a heartbeat just to feel the way I did tonight.  It's been worth every vomit session, every stomachache, and every "no thank you" to food I use to love. It's been worth it.  I've realized that I'm worth it.

This lady here with me is Vada and she had surgery in February. I had never seen her without oxygen until tonight! She is now able to walk without dragging her oxygen tank around. She has literally gotten a piece of her life and independence back! So proud of you Vada!

Say what?????

I tried on a pair of capri's I bought several years ago for goal pants and they were big!! They are size 10! Holy shit I am almost out of the double digit clothes!! That is a fabulous feeling!!!

I am down 84 pounds and going strong!!