Goals.

Today I exceeded my weight loss goal. My goal weight has been 130 while the DR's goal weight is 120. I was shocked when I got on the scale today and saw 129.6. I am down 109 pounds since I started this journey! How amazing is that????! This has truly been such a life change. All of the struggles have been worth it. I am happy with who I am inside and out.

Summer Summer Summertime.

This has truly been such an amazing summer. A truly amazing year really.  I attribute it all to my weight loss, family, and friends.
At the beginning of the summer I severed ties with my Mom. As hard as that step was it has overall been the best thing I could have done for my own mental health.  I was not going to be able to move forward and be the best me I could be by dealing continually with her narcissistic antics.  I am blessed with an amazing counselor who has helped me try and understand this process.  She told me today that I look so happy.  She said she has never seen me laugh and smile so much.  That may have been a huge loss in my life but through it I found myself.
In June I was able to see my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 15+ years. It was so nice to catch up and spend a few hours with him.

I was blessed this summer to get to see my best friend Amanda.  I met Amanda in Germany through the military and she has been a God send.  She is a forever friend whom I love so much.  Her children have a special spot in my life as well.  She has been such a huge support through this surgery. She is always texting words of encouragement and checking in to see how I am doing.  It's amazing to have a friend turn into a sister.

This summer Jason and I had the pleasure of going on a overnight date to Nashville. It was fabulous being able to spend time together without kids and just focus on our relationship.  I had so much fun going shopping for a date outfit and then having the energy to bar hop and let loose!

July proved to be even more fabulous when I got to spend the weekend with my best friend of 20+ years Joyce.  I met Joyce at my very first job and we have been friends ever since. We don't hear from eachother much but when we saw eachother time had never seemed to pass.

I finished the month of July by going to Sevierville and spending time with my Aunt Lynn and Aunt Kim. I had the most amazing time at their home. Lynn has been a God send for me. She is not just my Aunt but has really stepped in as my mother and best friend.  She has helped me through this surgery and every aspect of life.  I am able to ask her any questions I have and tell her anything I need to and I don't ever feel judged.  It was so fun sitting around her kitchen table drinking and chatting.  While visiting I was able to bungee jump. That was something I never thought I would do.  As scary as it was it was freeing.  I know that weighing 106 pounds heavier I wouldn't of taken that leap.

It is awesome to have such an amazing support system.  I wouldn't be able to walk through this journey alone.  I may of started the summer with loss but I am ending the summer with my heart full.  I am excited for the rest of my life!

1 year ago.

1 year ago today I was sitting in Dr. Westmoreland's office getting ready to discuss weight loss surgery options.  I remember sitting there terrified as I had never had a surgery before and I didn't know what to expect. I was embarrassed that I had gotten to the point of having to talk about surgery to fix my weight problem. As exciting as this journey has been it has not come without a lot of shame and sense of judgement.  I am asked all the time how I have lost the weight.  I find myself constantly taking a deep breath and over thinking how the conversation will play out once I mention gastric bypass.  I am guessing that I am not alone in my thinking. Other weight loss surgery patients have to feel this way right???  I think the always a "fat girl" mentality will forever leave me feeling judged.  I think that is natural.  How long do I answer "I had weight loss surgery"?  5 years from now do I still attribute my weight loss to surgery?  At what point is it okay to say diet and exercise?  Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself.  I know that this has not been easy. My family and close friends know this has been incredibly difficult. It has not come with a manual.

1 year ago today I was drinking my very first protein shake.  Was that really me????! I don't even recognize that girl.  As of today I am down 106 pounds.  1 year and 106 pounds!!

I've obviously changed physically with this surgery. I have changed more mentally than anything I feel.  I decided to put myself first and rid my life of negative influences.  I've lost weight but gained confidence.  I realized that I do matter and I can be happy with myself.  With this weight loss has come so much joy.  I love buying clothes now. I love walking into stores and being able to go to the junior section without hesitation.  I love having no fear of stepping on a scale.  I love having my girls wrap their arms around me effortlessly.  I love having Jason pick me up off the ground in a hug.  I love not standing in my closet crying with nothing to wear.  I love standing beside Jason and feeling like we compliment eachother.  I love that I now enjoy and crave healthy food.  I love making healthy meals.  I love life.

The small things.

I went clothes shopping tonight to try and find a sexy outfit for a date I have with my hubby tomorrow. I realized quickly that even though I am 102 pounds lighter I still hate shopping! I still find it incredibly tedious and stressful!  I went to Express and searched all over for a size 10 in shorts or a skirt. I got frustrated because most of their clothes didn't go up past a size 4! Yeah who wears a 4??? Most of their clothes were a size 0 or 00.  I wrangled a salesman to help me find a jean skirt in my size.  He found 1 skirt that was a size 8 so I journeyed into the dressing room to try on this damn skirt that wasn't even my size.  To my completely elated surprise the skirt went over my hips with ease and was actually to big! A size 8 was TO BIG! Holy hell! I needed a size 6!  I cannot even tell you the last time I wore a size 6.  I have no idea.  It was truly an amazing feeling to have. I ended up leaving the store with nothing but a smile because I needed a size 6 and they didn't have one for me! A size 6! Hah!!!
Another NSV moment I've had is someone at work I only see in passing stopped me today to tell me that I looked great and she couldn't believe how much weight I have lost.  It was an amazing feeling to have someone I rarely see notice the changes!
This doesn't all come without frustration and hard times. It's not always unicorns and rainbows but when things like this happen it makes it all worth it.  To feel good about myself is long overdue and welcomed.

I did it!

I am down 100 pounds since I started my journey 08/10/2015!  My highest weight was 238.6 and this morning I weighed in at 137.8!

100 POUNDS! I am so incredibly proud of this accomplishment.  It's been a long road and not easy AT ALL but I did it! I am 7.8 pounds away from my personal goal of 130 pounds and I have all the confidence in the world that I will get there soon.

 Seeing pictures of myself is so surreal.  I see a happy confident woman now. I am now in a size 9 pant and a small shirt.

 Those were my largest pants! I cannot believe I ever wore those. I pulled them out and showed Noelle the other day and she was shocked. She can't remember me ever being that big.

 At my 1 year surgiversary I plan to fit my happy ass into 1 pant leg.

Beautiful Imperfections.

Today I realized that I have beautiful imperfections.  I had a budoir shoot done today with Allen Manus. This shoot was booked in January with the hope that I would have lost enough weight to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I ordered lingerie months in advance guesstimating what size I would wear 6 months later.  When I first got the outfits and tried them on I remember thinking "how in the hell is my fat ass going to be shoved into these and what in the hell was I thinking???!". As I lost the weight I started fitting in things with more ease and I started to feel a little better about myself everytime.  Some people think a budoir shoot is silly to get done. If you lack in self confidence and esteem it is a bucket list to do.  I spent 2 hours today getting my hair and makeup done and then 2 hours getting pictures done.  It was a day to do something for myself.  I never once felt awkward or out of place. With every outfit change I felt a bigger boost of confidence.  By the last outfit I felt like a bad ass bitch who could conquer the world! I felt sexy, confident and okay with the imperfections I possess.  I'm 97 pounds lighter and I feel like a brand new person.

Single digits!!! What?????

Today I fit into a size 9 pair of jeans!!! A size 9! I may not be losing weight very quickly anymore but the inches are still falling off and I love it!

I was a size 9 when I went on my first date with Jason! I quickly moved out of that size once we got together so this feels like uncharted territory. I feel so wonderful about the progress I've made!! I went to my 9 month check with Dr Westmoreland and he said that I am doing great! My thyroid labs are all normal and I have officially been off my Synthroid for 2 months! My thyroid is back to normal with my weight loss! How fantastic is that!!?? I'm now only taking medication for my stomach (Omeprazole) and a anti depressant (prozac) so I dont kill people ;)  My Lupus and Fibromyalgia are doing pretty awesome too!  I have been able to spend time in the sun with Anistyn and not get deathly sick which is a nice change.  I still have some bad days but nothing like I used too.  He said that at this point people should lose approximately 80 pounds and I am down 94 since August (when I started my journey) and 87 since October (my surgery).  I was actually told by a co-worker that I am wasting away and they are worried about me. I still have more weight loss in this journey. I am still considered overweight.  My journey isn't done just yet.

I came out in this outfit and Anistyn said "Mommy you look beautiful". That was the best compliment  I have ever gotten. I am so thankful that she sees the confidence I have in myself and thinks I am beautiful.  My main reason for this surgery was to gain self worth and self esteem. I am getting there every day.